Retreat, Day 7

This is *SO* interesting! Amazing. And these treatments and medicines have such intellectual and practical integrity. The medicines are done with muscle testing, the body says what it needs and what it doesn't. Doesn't matter what the patient or practitioner think needs to be given. The body gives so many clues.

For instance: For the past three days, my digestive pulses have been pretty regular and predictable. This morning, however, they were all off. The doctor immediately asked me what I had for breakfast. What Western doctor takes your pulse and then asks what you had for breakfast? So I told him; spelt bread and hummus. I hadn't had spelt bread since Shabbat until this morning. He said, ah, that's it-- I'll bet your sensitive to spelt. Then he takes out his samples of all the 7 grains, and yeast as well. More muscle testing to see if I have sensitivities or allergies. Guess what? The only grain I *am not* sensitive to is barley! Spelt, yeast, wheat, rye... outta there. But the good thing is that there are ways of desensitizing the body if you want to be able to eat these things. So, seeing that Robert bought me a bunch of spelt matzah for Passover, Dr. Frischman said tomorrow he'd desensitize me to spelt. After Pesach we'll do yeast. Now how cool is that? Just by the pulses we made more discoveries.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Deep into the middle of this intensive two-week treatment plan with Dr. Frischman, we have been often encountering "red-herrings" as we try to solve my pain mystery. What seems to be consistent, though, is an infectious process is going on. Still. Doesn't seem to be responding to the Chinese antibiotics, though, even though my body tested positive for that medicine.

What is also going on is a hint that we got from the results of the MRE. There were a few findings that raised an eyebrow... one such finding is unusual cysts on my right kidney (where I often have back pain). The cysts have some sort of separation, well-defined shape, and the evaluation recommended I follow-up on that with a nephrologist. But that's not likely to be the source of all this abdominal pain. But it is a piece of the puzzle that Chinese medicine can address. I'm not worried about that.

The other finding is a little stranger in nature... an anatomical anomaly. Apparently my cecum (the part which comes between the small and large intestine) is apparently misplaced... and stuck to the back side of my liver. It is supposed to be lower- the appendix hangs off the cecum-- and that is usually lower right abdominal quadrant. In me, however, it's way up high, causing an inverted loop effect in my intestines. Now *that* could be causing the pain. But how would that happen? And the other question is, when I had an appendectomy in 2008, was the appendix and cecum in the right place? Robert actually tried to call the hospital to see if he could get in touch with the surgeon for that surgery, but that surgeon left Israel a while ago. The hospital said they'd try to get Robert his contact info. Of course he's done 6,000 appendectomies since mine, so what are the chances he'd remember mine... but on the other hand, we have the NF in my story (and remarkably visible on my abdomen, of course), so it's possible it may have been slightly more memorable than your average appendectomy to him. Dunno. So far that's a dead end, so we don't know when the cecum shifted positions, but suffice it to say it's not where it's supposed to be.

That can explain why my liver is often not healthy regarding it's pulses. It's got the cecum stuck to the back of it, doing digestive things. It might also explain my pain.
Dr. Frischman is not fazed by this finding, he believes he can manipulate it to break up the adhesions and coax it back into place, not unlike moving a baby in-utero from a breech presentation to head-down. I'm sure he's right. But today was the first time he really went for trying to do that, and WWOOOOWWWW, it hurt like h*ll. I can handle it, though. And it's better than surgery.

Having said that, I have decided to go through with a surgical consult which I lined up a while ago, here in Jerusalem in Hadassa Ein Karem hospital, tomorrow. It is with someone highly recommended. I don't see myself going into surgery any time unless absolutely necessary, but I will get this doctor's opinion on my situation, and I have the MRE results now also. Information from other points of view can sometimes shed light in a different way, and can be useful. Or not. Nothing to lose.

It was interesting to put to the test going through a major migraine here, on Sunday. I hadn't slept enough, and had a difficult Shabbat at home (also with a migraine on Friday), so when I arrived here on Sunday, by afternoon my head was about to spiral out of control. At home, I'd take analgesics, Cannabis, and pray that they work. Here, NO Analgesics. Strict doctor's orders. OK, so the migraine was getting worse and worse, and it got to the point where I'd normally have gone to the hospital if I were home... it was the point of no return, too much pain, I can't take anymore. But I was here, at the Frischman's house, not taking analgesics, and certainly not planning on going to the hospital for steroids. I had to wait my turn for my treatment, he has other patients. But even between patients, and sometimes during other patients, he'd work on me. Either with acupuncture needles, head pressure points, and Chinese medicines. It wasn't working. At one point he put a needle behind my jaw, kind of behind my ear, and it was excruciatingly painful. That was a hint.

"the upside-down machine"

parallel=weightless. It's AMAZING.

(This machine pictured is where I spent hours of the migraine the other night...)

Seems that my jaw is misaligned. All that pulling and rearranging my teeth and the orthodontics when I was a teen was either for nought, or was done wrong. This can be a major contributing factor in my migraines!

Dr. Frischman spent a tremendous amount of time with a rubber glove on, fingers in my mouth. It was excruciating. He literally realigned my jaw, painstakingly, slowly, methodically, in my mouth. I can't believe that happened, who would ever expect that? It was not easy... not only painful for obvious reasons, but also triggering old traumas of the mouth and breathing ability. I told Dr. F about all that, and he walked me through it. He stopped when I gave the sign to stop, continued when I gave my green light. Amazing amazing amazing. Such tremendous respect for the patient, I've never encountered this. And I've encountered A LOT of doctors.

It didn't take away the migraine, but it took it down a significant notch, with no analgesics, cannabis, or hospital. After my intensive treatment Sunday night, I was able to go to sleep with my regular (still half-dose) sleeping meds. I woke at 7am still with the headache right behind my left eye. I turned over and went back to sleep. I slept on and off until NOON, when Dr. F's wife came to wake me so I could get in a treatment. The headache was what I call "remnants" at that point. After the treatment, I ate lunch, then went for a walk in the sun again. After the walk, the headache was completely gone.
It is the first time, I think ever, that I got over a real hardcore migraine without analgesics or a hospital visit. It was with the support and help from Dr. F, his wife's nutritious food, and fresh air. And lots of good, restorative sleep. I sleep very well here. Thank Gd. Tonight I begin the next stage in cutting my sleeping medicine.

There are so many miracles happening here, it would take at least 4 more pages to document it all. It's all just remarkable. I have been feeling energized and with a new feeling of wellness that I haven't experienced in a LONG time. The abdominal pain remains an issue, but it is overall on a healing trend. It's going to take time; it took a long time to get to this situation, it's not going to go away immediately. But the turtle wins the race, right? There are so many issues to address, it's all interrelated. I've been a walking ball of symptoms for so many years, and here we are putting the pieces together. And much of the picture is pointing to a low-level infectious process that has been rearing it's ugly head over the years but never gone away. It may be stemming from the NF, or possibly from the mystery infection I had which led to my c-section birth with Azriel 12 years ago. I think it's from the NF, Dr. F thinks it's from the c-section... doesn't really matter who's right. All the cellulitis episodes, the infected appendix, the Bartholin cyst, and the open small wound on my skin graft last spring which took four months to heal, which lead to finally healing and immediately thereafter this abdominal pain starting up in Spetember. I have a good immune system, which is why it hasn't done more frequent damage, but we believe there is still an infectious process going on, and that is the source of all my ills and pain these past 6 months.

Keep praying, keep hoping. I have strong hope and belief that we are going to get to health. I believe that I will be healthy. Read that again... when was the last time I could write that???

As you can imagine, being sick for almost 11 years has taken a huge financial toll on my family. I've written about that before. These two weeks of intensive treatment are also costing an arm and a leg, so we have decided, with the support of family and friends, to start a fund-raising campaign to help defray the financial burden of these treatments, which, of course, are not covered by insurance. I'm putting the link here in hopes of two things: One that you feel free to please share this link on facebook sites or to friends, or blogs which you feel would be appropriate for this type of fund-raiser, and two, to give us the chance to humbly thank you all from the bottom of my heart for any support you can offer. I've had this blog for 10 years, almost 11... and this is the first time I've ever done this. It's that big, that important, and that necessary. And I have tremendous hope for the first time since NF.

Robert wrote the story for this page:
https://thechesedfund.com/cause/restoring-talent-buried-by-pain

May everyone have a wonderful holiday of Passover, and Easter!
May this Passover free us all from whatever personal slavery we have been wedged into this year. New hope really can come with springtime, can't it.

Retreat, day 3

Wow, what a time this has been. I don't even know where to start.

I will start with the icky stuff and get that out of the way.
Note to the wise- don't ever do an MRE!! (That is an MRI of the small intestines). I did one on Sunday (at the beginning of this week), and it was hellacious. I don't have results yet, they should come soon, within a week. After fasting for a night and half the day, I was invited (told) to drink the contrast dye stuff before the test. I did that, fairly easy to do that. Then I went into the MRI machine.... placement ON MY STOMACH! It was horrendously painful. Hard board, no hole to put my face, so my neck was craned sideways, hands up with an IV loading me up with who-knows-what. That lasted 45 minutes, without being able to move. But in the middle they had to stop the machine and give me yet another shot because my intestines were too active, they couldn't get clear pictures, so that shot was to stop the activity in my intestines. OK, so that part was over.

But the worst was yet to begin, little did I know.
The secretary told me I'd have some diarrhea the next day. What she didn't know is that my body QUICKLY likes to expel poisonous things. That's why my intestines were so active in the MRI machine... OMG. The scenarios that followed that test were horrific. Severe diarrhea, like every 3-10 minutes. And nausea, and I threw up once. My friend who accompanied me to this test was waiting for us to be able to leave, but I couldn't leave the bathroom in that place. When we finally did leave (I felt I was at a bit of a break), we got caught up in traffic while she was taking me back to the train station in Tel Aviv, and I thought I was going to explode in every direction. I just sat in the passenger seat moaning, trying to wait until we finally got to the train station. Traffic... no U-turns... kill me now. We FINALLY got to the train station and I went straight into the bathroom and stayed there until my train. Then once on the train, I was in that little icky bathroom more than in my seat. So, so so un-good. I got home finally, and couldn't even hug the kids or listen to them talking, I had to go straight to the bathroom, almost all evening. All told, it was about 8 hours of insanely painful, intense diarrhea, every 10 minutes or so. I was trying to drink so I didn't get dehydrated, but I couldn't keep up because I also felt so sick. I did finally sleep, and I slept through the night, thankfully.

When I finally arrived at Dr. Frischman's house on Monday, I was a dish rag. My first treatment on this "retreat" showed dehydration, slow, choppy (or empty) pulses, and big bad general state of being. But I was so relieved to finally be there... I felt I had landed. Dr. Frischman gave me a long, intensive treatment, both to balance my medicines (Chinese medicines, that is) and to start healing my body.

kind of what the shelves look like in Dr. Frischman's office.
I'll get you a real picture of them for next time.

I don't know how to say in any succinct way how amazing this has been for me, and it's only three days in. Dr. Frischman and his wonderful wife are heaven-sent to my life. Of that I am sure. Each day I am getting two intensive treatments, and healthy, home-cooked foods, and a warm, loving environment. Just that alone is so healing. But it's not at all just that. The treatments are VERY intensive, and often 3-4 hours, and both Dr. Frischman & I work very hard. He is immensely intuitive, and my regimen of Chinese meds changes in a dynamic way from treatment to treatment.

He tests what my body needs by literally asking my body... he uses kinesthetic muscle testing to know if my body needs that medicine or not. He intuits which ones to test on me based on my pulses. Pulses meant in the Chinese medicinal sense-- each wrist holds secrets of how each vital organ in your body is doing. There are three pulses for every organ (spleen, lungs, heart, liver, intestines, stomach, etc). A superficial touch will read one level, a deeper press into the wrist another level of how that organ is doing, and then a deeper pressing into the wrist for the final reading of the organ. It gives the practitioner clues-- no, secrets-- kept deep in the body. Based on the pulses, and on muscle kinesthesiology, Dr. Frischman intuits what the body needs at that given time. It's brilliant. So much more comprehensive than the Western medicine prescriptions.

We have narrowed down what seems to be the main problem for me with this pain- it seems like it's infectious in nature, not prolapses as was originally thought (thought by the CrowdMed detectives, not Dr. Frischman). It seems that my liver is quite impaired by this infection (empty deep pulses quite often). It seems that it is that ball or cyst in my abdomen, enclosing old infection. Not unlike the lipoma that I had and which was cavalierly removed (in pieces) by the surgeon at the original hernia surgery that lead to NF. This infection may even be from that time of the NF. It may be from the skin graft infection I had last spring for four months, we don't know. Heck, it may even be left over from the infection-of-unknown-character that lead me to have a c-section for Azriel's birth. There have been plenty of possible sources of infection which invaded my body repeatedly over the years.

Dr. F is doing many things in treatments; manually breaking up scar tissue. That is VERY painful, but I have learned coping mechanisms. I have to, there's no choice. Scar tissue is not only in my abdomen, but also all over my liver/ribs, and back/lungs. It needs to be broken up so the organs can survive. He did some very intensive work on my liver yesterday, and today my ribs, skin, and liver feel so bruised. But he's also building me up with the Chinese medicines/herbs, and it's going to balance out.

"Cupping", which Dr. F does in my case with one cup, suctioned
onto my diaphragm area to break up liver adhesions, but he moves
it around with the help of oils. (It's actually VERY painful!)

He's also using acupuncture (sometimes very deep, with 5 inch needles!), moxabustion,

This is a form of moxabustion; Dr. F puts that smoking
mugwort stubby thing on an acupuncture needle to bring
heat deep into the tissues/organs. A bit scary.

and intensive lymphatic draining. The lymphatic draining is not the kind I was formerly used to with my thigh/Gapey. That was very gentle massage of superficial lymph fluids away from the area of congestion. This... this is completely different. It's assertive lymphatic draining... it's done with very strong hands. Upper chest, neck, face, very intense lymphatic draining. It sometimes leaves me momentarily breathless. And finally, he's doing cranio-sacral work on my head/skull bones to help alleviate the headache problem which has gotten really out of hand lately. I'm left drained, physically and mentally, but built-up spiritually.

I've been cutting my prescription medications. By a lot. I am halfway off my sleeping medicines. HALFWAY OFF THEM. And last night was the first night here that I slept heavily, woke once to use the bathroom and fell right back to sleep, and slept straight through until 10:30am. On only half my sleeping medicine that I have been taking for many, many years. He's not giving me any Chinese medicines for sleeping, it's happening naturally. I am also on half my dose of Cymbalta now. It's nothing short of miraculous.

I am connecting with G-d, too, on the level I have been begging for. It's just all happening naturally, organically, easily. And it's only day 3.

The right person/people, the right time.
Yes, it's extremely close to Pesach (Passover), and there is much to be done in my own house. But this year, I am not going to be there for pushing myself with that. My kids are all home, Robert is off from work, and it will get done by them. My whole family gives me their blessings for this time here. It's an awkward time for the Jewish calendar, perhaps, but it's *exactly* the right time for me, of that I'm sure.

I need to go eat because I feel a headache coming on, and I think it's because I haven't eaten since breakfast. After my morning treatment and breakfast, I went on a WALK today. I haven't been on a walk for a walk's sake in at least 7 months, maybe more. I've been in too much pain. Today I walked up a hill, which for me is a big deal... I have been predominantly stationary because of the pain. I went into a cute little park, and sat on a bench and soaked up the sun. Oh My G-d, it was so tremendous. I started crying and crying, in sheer gratitude. I said out loud, thank you Hashem for bringing me to this time. I went on a walk, and sat in the sun. Pain? Yeah, well, it's not magically all gone, but it is less. And changed. We'll find out tonight from my pulses how my body liked that walk. But I now need to eat.
I am re-learning how to eat here, too. What my body needs, and when. Each meal should have 40% protien, 40% [good]carbs, and 20% essential fats. No wheat, no dairy, no sugar. It's GOOD. I hope I can continue this when I get home after the end of next week.

I'll stop for now, but I feel I could write for another six pages on what is going on here.
Thank you G-d, I am starting to believe that I can heal. I am starting to believe that I can have a life with no pain. And without surgery, or drugs. Do you FEEL how tremendous this is? Do you? I'll bet you do.

Retreat for treatment; it's time.

It's been one hard week... but a very interesting outcome.

Tuesday I had a treatment with Dr. Frischman in Jerusalem. That went well, and as usual, I walked out in less pain. But unfortunately the abdominal pain comes back all too soon. I had a headache that evening, also, and he tried to empty my lymph nodes and do some cranio-sacral work on my head to alleviate the headache.

I still had the headache when I left, but it was duller. I was able to get to sleep. But I woke up with the same headache, stronger, on Wednesday. It only intensified throughout the day. I tried all the natural methods he taught me, and it was just getting worse and worse. In the evening I had some Cannabis, hoping that would work, and it didn't. At midnight I was beside myself with one of the strongest migraines this little head has ever dealt with. I had nothing to calm down the pain. I needed the dreaded "cocktail" at the emergency room.

That was an ordeal. The ER was busy, and my migraine was not a priority. I was yelling in that bed, writhing in pain, literally shrieking out loud sometimes, and it still took two hours for them to get me my medicine. It is clearly written in my chart, *by* my neurologist, that if I come in with a migraine I am to get these medicines immediately. It wasn't until Robert finally spoke to a doctor who was familiar with my neurologist's protocol that things started to move.

When I finally got the dose of Prednisone I needed, they put it in a "push", all at once into my arm, instead of hanging it with saline to go in slower. That caused an awful reaction in my body, I felt that there were pins and needles and ants crawling all over me, immediately. That feeling was horrendous, but only lasted about two minutes. It felt like forever, though. I never got that medicine in a "push", and I will ask that that not be done again. It took the standard 40 minutes to take effect, then my migraine began to subside. I had gotten also a shot of Phenergan, a relaxant/sedative, and was finally able to un-tense my muscles and rest. I fell asleep for a while before we were discharged. Got home at 5am. Robert, bless his soul, was up at 7 to get the kids out to school. I spent Thursday in bed, still with a low-level headache. Stronger than remnants. Thursday night came and the headache increased in intensity. I got scared we'd be headed back to the ER. I decided to dose myself up with what I could and see if it made a difference, if I could get myself to a drug-induced sleep. It took a lot of drugs (I hesitate to tell you what I actually downed that night!), and was able to sleep it off.

In the meantime, I'd been in touch with Dr. F throughout this all.

He and his wife had a suggestion for me, and it was one I had been thinking of myself, but didn't think anything like that would be feasible... They proposed a two-week intensive treatment, at their house in Jerusalem. They said they had done this before with patients while they were in the states, and it can work out well for patients who need intensive treatment. It means staying at their place, in a guest room, and having two treatments a day, while also having my nourishment needs taken care of in the best possible way, and me being able to rest. No driving kids around, no errands, no cooking, etc. It sounded exactly like what I had envisioned. I felt that this would be the best way for me to know if my body will be able to respond to the treatments and not slip back into pain mode all the time.

It's a financial burden, but Dr. F's wife suggested to set up a chessed fund (Jewish charity giving) to help sponsor me to do this. Yes. A plan was formed.

Friday morning I went to Jerusalem, but I didn't drive myself. I knew that could trigger the migraine again, and also my abdomen hurts when I drive too much. Our dear friend was ready able and willing to drive me there (in my car) round trip, so I could lie down in the passenger seat, relax, and be in less pain. Thank you so very much, G!! That treatment Friday morning was very very good for me. It was all about the headache. I am so grateful to Dr. F for giving me precious time on a Friday, which he usually doesn't see patients.

Shabbat came and although the abdominal pain wasn't any easier (it was harder, actually, Friday night), I got some amazing, restorative sleep. It was probably still my body recovering from the two and a half day migraine and all the overdose of meds. I slept all night, all morning, ate Shabbat lunch, then slept another 4 hours in the afternoon. And I'm tired again now. I just wanted to update with these changes that are about to happen.

Tomorrow morning I have to make my way, with my friend, to the northern city of Kfar Saba for the MRE test on my small intestines. I'm nervous about it, and considered canceling because I am doing these alternative treatments with Dr. F. It is an MRI, but of the small intestines. The test was ordered by my gastroenterologist, because, well, undiagnosed pain... We have to rule things out. I think it's important for me to go through with it (it means getting contrast chemical into my body, which is bad for kidneys, and we are trying to clean me out of toxins), because it's just more information we'll have about what might be going on in my belly. If I do wind up going to Mayo clinic (I still haven't canceled or postponed... yet?) I'll have this test to show them also. Mayo would be April 9th, if I don't postpone or cancel. I think this two week period that I will be having intensive treatments with Dr. F will be very telling for me whether or not I will go through with going to Mayo or not.

It comes down to if the pain can be taken care of with Chinese medicines and treatment, or not. I need to know this. I am still predominantly out of commission, I am still very much in pain when I am on my feet, things haven't changed. But if my body can respond in these two weeks (I'll be coming home for Shabbats), then SCORE, I can avoid invasive treatments and/or surgery. If not, I'll know for sure.

The balance of Western medicine and Eastern medicine is not an easy balance-- they often seem to cancel each other out. I am learning so much from Dr. F, and trying to make some very important changes. I will stick with him no matter what needs to be done. But the question remains: can this get me out of pain, permanently. I cannot go on living like this, it's not OK, I'm in too much pain, all the time.

So, big icky test tomorrow, it'll be a long day. Just the traveling alone is long, and doing the test will wipe me out (I have to be fasting, and "clean myself out", drink contrast dye, etc). But it'll be *done*, crossed one box off on the list. Monday morning I'll be driven by my son Dov, who will be home on a month-long vacation from Yeshiva, to Jerusalem to start my course of intensive treatments at the Frischman's house. It'll be so good not to have to worry about the kids schedules and immediate needs... Dov will be home the whole time I won't be, and he can drive them places and help make meals. It's good timing. Then we'll all be home together for Passover. And by then I'll know I'll be able to make a decision about the Mayo clinic. I know this all sounds complicated, but I think it's systematic, and all happening at the right time. I pray to G-d for clarity of all these decisions.

Now I'm going to sleep.

I just wanted to catch you all up to speed...

I'll be updating when I can/want/need to. You know that.

We'll get answers. Somehow. It's going to become clear. I pray.

Update from The Front; medical and spiritual

So guess what? You can't trade migraines for tummy pain. They aren't the same. These past few weeks have shown me that my migraines are slowly creeping back into my life. They started very low level, like just a niggling headache. But in the past 4 days or so they have come back, pretty strong, but not the strength they were last spring before I went on the Topamax. But I no longer doubt that it could get to that, even while I'm suffering with this abdominal pain.

I am going to try to deal with them on a per-time basis, and raise my b-6 vitamins & magnesium. I am going to try to not go back on Topamax, even though I had NO migraines the entire time I was on it. I just think the fewer medicines the better. But if they get really bad, I reserve the right to go back on the Topamax.

Present status report:

1. Waiting to do an MRE, which is an MRI of the small intestine (ordered by the gastro).
2. Waiting on a recommendation for a surgical consult in Jerusalem's Hadassa hospital, with someone not affiliated with the surgeon who put in my mesh & clips, so I can get an objective opinion of my CT scan, if things are really OK or not regarding the hardware.
3. presently doing Homeopathy, acupuncture, and will soon start Chinese herbs.
4. Have started a full vitamin regimen (+ probiotics, Tumeric, other interesting things) from Dr. S, including fiber to calm things down in my intestines.
5. Have implemented many changes in my diet, which are hard to keep, but I'm working on it one day at a time (also from Dr. S)
6. bought a hernia belt at a medical supply store: it reduces the pain when I wear it. It shows me that most likely the mesh is failing, and irritating my stomach. It's uncomfortable to wear for the long-term throughout the day, so it's not a long-term solution, but I can walk for a longer stretch of time when I wear it, it helps lessen the pain. It is a wide, huge band of elastic and velcro. I think that it is holding me in when the mesh is not any longer doing that.
7. Got a date to go to the Mayo clinic in Rochester Mn, if Israeli medicine hasn't helped me by April 9th. I will go there for a week of appointments and evaluations/tests, and see what happens. It gives me over a month (and after Passover) to do these other consults here and see if I can find a viable long-term option here, in Israel, with free medical care. Going to the Mayo would be predominantly out-of-pocket, and ideally I hope to avoid that, obviously.

I feel really backed up against a wall. If the mesh is indeed failing and causing the problems, what the heck am I supposed to do? I think I said last time- reconstruction surgery would involve a muscle graft for my stomach wall muscle, and that can't be done while I have only a thin skin graft covering the whole area externally. Without the mesh I'm in trouble, but as [I suspect] it is, I'm also in trouble.

I pray that the right conduit comes from Hashem (G-d) to propose a viable and safe long-term solution. As I mentioned, I am waiting to hear from a few different sources about a recommendation for a surgeon in Jerusalem unaffiliated with my surgeon from Tel Aviv.

Meanwhile, things remain very difficult. And painful. And I'm trying to take this all one day at a time.

I learned from a religious doctor, who I have been listening to his classes on the internet, that one cannot connect with Hashem when one is in pain, hungry, or sick. I am in pain, and I am trying to connect with Hashem, but it's not happening so frequently. I found myself the other day (Shabbat) with a migraine, abdominal pain and digestive pain, trying to talk to Hashem. I just called a meeting with The Boss. I found when I called Him Abba (my father), I could talk freer. I thanked Him for all the million things there are to be thankful for. I put in my requests for other sick and hurting friends. And asked for Him to send me the right conduit to help me out here. I was proud of myself for making the effort to talk to Him... I haven't been feeling so spiritually communicative of late, for obvious reasons. But I'm trying.

Life is happening and passing me by at the same time. Let's pray that a reasonable solution will come down the pipeline to me from the right person, and soon. I'm willing to do surgery if it means long-term benefits. Thing is, I thought putting in the mesh and clips *was* the long term solution.

NF has really shaped my life these past 10 years, for the good as well as for the difficult. I don't understand Hashem's ways. I imagine my parents around there with the all-knowing wisdom I imagine one may get after death, and I wonder what they see when they are looking at my life from their perspective now. I asked Hashem to make sure they get together, if they haven't found each other yet (Dad's only been there for a few months, I don't know how long it takes, right?). I asked Him to let them come visit me in my dreams. I haven't seen them yet. But I hope they will come visit me. I miss them.