More meaning in life

 I'm OK. 

After my last blog post I got a lot of messages and calls from concerned friends and loved ones. I didn't mean to scare y'all, not to worry, I'm OK. Things are tough sometimes, but isn't it that way with everyone? C-PTSD makes things harder, for sure, but I'm doing relatively OK with that this week.

I still haven't heard from the doctor in NY. It is quite frustrating, I sent them both (the doctor and his secretary) emails reminding them that I exist and am here waiting for the doctor's evaluation of my MRI's. At the same time, I haven't called. I don't feel like calling. I might in a little more time, but as for now I don't feel like it's so urgent. I am not going to go anywhere for more surgery any time soon. I've had enough of surgery, and I am putting up with the pain. That is my decision. I just can't bring myself to do more surgery, so it almost doesn't matter what he says. I mean, I'd know more when he answers me, but I am not running to do another surgery (after the 14 that I have gone through). I am just at my wits end with going through surgeries. I know I need a hip replacement, but as of now that is not slowing down my life a whole lot, even though it hurts chronically. I can still get to shul every Shabbat, and that is a gauge for me of when I'll do the hip surgery. I can even sit on the floor (for a short period of time) with my granddaughter, so that is also a gauge. If it comes to a matter of stopping me from living the way I would like to live, then I'll do it. The hip replacement, that is.

As far as if anything is amiss with my belly surgeries, and maybe the pain is coming from there, less and less I think that. I am pretty sure all the pain I feel is coming from my hip problems. But that, of course, is what I am waiting on my NY doctor to evaluate for me, if there *is* anything amiss in my belly surgical areas.

In the meantime, my hand, where I broke my thumb, still hurts. I am very worried that this is going to become chronic pain, too. Next week I start occupational therapy for that. I hope it'll help me. It's been a long time, I think it should have healed by now.

I am finding myself needing more meaning in my life. I do the jewelry making which is good for me, and I love, but it doesn't hold anything really meaningful for me. I need to be a doula more. I have a couple who is due to give birth in January, and I'm happy about that. I don't want to put off doing my doula work until I get a hip replacement. If I was going to do it (hip replacement) soon, I'd put off doula work, but deciding to wait on that makes me want to get more into doula work. I am also not so confident, though, that I can do it with the pain I have. I'll see how it goes with this couple in January. I would take other work if it came my way, though. I can't really yet advertise because at the moment I don't have receipts to give, I haven't opened a file at the income tax office stating that I am an independent business, so I can't give out receipts yet. I think I am going to go with a third-party type of giving of receipts. I have to get on that project. I can't really work much until I have that squared away. But I am here stating that I want to work as a doula more. If I put it out to the universe, work will come my way. That's always been my experience. I just wish I trusted my body more. It's not only my hip, but my thumb (for massages) also. I wish my body didn't hurt like it does. Quandary.

Back at the home front, things are good. Thank the Good Lord. My kids are all in a good space, and my granddaughter just turned two. We went to Bet She'an for her birthday a few days ago, that was precious. But it is such a long trip, and by the end of the night, I am in intense pain after all that driving. It takes three hours to get there, we stayed for about three (or four?) hours, and three hours back. Grueling for anyone with pain to deal with. But worth it. They are such a special family.

I'm going to go now, I have a birth-preparation class to give tonight and I have a few things to prepare. 

Don't worry about me, things are ok. Kind of.

Not light reading

There are times that I don't feel like I have C-PTSD (complex Post traumatic stress disorder), and can feel pretty normal. Then there are the other times. I am finding myself fighting my demons these days. Depression comes in from I-don't-understand-where, and I am down for the count.

We just had a whirlwind of holidays here in the land of Israel, all of which are good, hard, and challenging in equal portions. I also just got a cast off my hand, which was on for three or four weeks... I lost count. It was for a suspicion of a broken thumb, after I had fallen down at my gym. The floor was wet and there was no "wet floor" sign, and I slipped right there. I think the cast was on too long, but the hospital didn't give me an earlier appointment at the orthopedics clinic. Now I am dealing with pain in that hand as well, yay me. I am supposed to do occupational therapy with it, so we'll see how that goes. As of now the hospital hasn't yet given me an appointment to start the OT, but I am back at my job with the jewelry making, and that uses fine motor skills, so that should help.

The holidays we heavy, and good and hard all at once. We hosted many people for big meals over the three weeks, we were also guests by friends, and we also got to visit many friends. Best of all was the visit from my son Dov and his lovely wife and delicious baby! It was all very social. Close to the end of all the holidays, when the title of the holiday has the word "happy" in it (Simchat Torah), I got really down, and whether or not it is related, I got some sort of virus which dragged me down as well (I'm still dealing with that virus or whatever it is).

I got down about the stuff I am used to getting down about, and I couldn't stop it in it's tracks. That "stuff" is that I feel aimless, without motivation, without drive, and I mourn my losses again. Those being the losses of my music career and my doula career, both which were booming when I got NF, when it all came to a halting stop. I admit that I have not touched my horn in over two years, and I am also not advertising for my doula work. I don't feel I can commit to a couple to support them throughout their birth. I don't have it to give these days.

The pain persists. It makes me not want to do anything. I think that is the biggest downer and the reason I have no drive, no motivation. I haven't yet heard from my surgeon in NY about his opinion about the MRI's. It's now officially been a long time. I finally wrote to him today to check on the progress of that. I hope to hear from him soon. But I also know that timing and such things are in Hashem's hands. I'll get his opinion when I am supposed to get it. I am not rushing to do any surgeries any time soon, even though I am in pain. I am just blocked about going ahead with another surgery. I can't do it. I think I need my other hip replaced (three orthopedists have confirmed that), but as I don't have my doctor in NY's opinion yet, I am not going ahead with anything. It is more than that though, I think that even if I had his opinion, I would be blocked about going forth with another surgery. I just don't want to do it. I have had enough. I am at an impasse with myself. More surgery seems insurmountable at this juncture in my life. I have had 14 major surgeries, some of them quite intense, was in an induced coma, and have limped on one side or the other for many years. My body is screwed up. My soul feels screwed up too. I haven't been in any sort of therapy for well over a year, and that's OK with me. I think I've just had it. If it comes to me needing surgery and the choice is no longer a real choice, I will probably need more therapy to wrap my head around it. I have just been through too much. And I miss my life from before NF. It comes down to that, I think. I miss being driven and successful in my careers, and I miss the "me" I used to be before all the medicalization of my life.

I have been having nightmares again also. I don't know what causes them, but they are nasty. Messes up my whole night, and sometimes the day as well. I wake up yelling, and get totally freaked out, and need time awake to decompress. For a week, the week of Succot, my husband was sleeping in our "upstairs sleeping succah" (to be differentiated with our "downstairs eating succah"), and I wasn't, so I was alone in bed. I had a major nightmare while he was outside and had to process it alone. I'm glad the holiday is over and he's back in our bed. The nightmares are from the PTSD of course, the content of them makes that abundantly clear for me. They get me when I'm down. The Cannabis used to be good for deterring them completely (like magic, I am telling you), but I unfortunately got sensitive to it, got headaches every morning, and had to stop taking it.

I hope this new year on the Hebrew calendar will bring me peace of mind and body, although that feels too far to grasp right now. I pray that the pain will chill out without surgery, and that I return to at least one of my previous hobbies/ careers. I'm only 54, it's too early for me to give up. But I can tell you that giving up is my constant shadow.

I'm back, and I'm a grandma

One thing this world can count on is that changes will happen. Nothing stays the same for too long!

The biggest change I have just experienced is that Dov and Achinoam ("DnA") had a baby, and made us grandparents! Not only that, but I was present at the birth. What an experience.

Dov called me Saturday night directly after Shabbat to tell me they were already in the hospital with good strong contractions. So I hung up the phone, got a bag together, took my doula "bag of tricks", and started heading up to T'veria (Tiberius) to meet them at the hospital. It's a three hour trip for me, so I knew I wouldn't get there before 9pm or so. I got there at 9:15pm.

The contractions had been coming since the night before, so when I got there, 24 hours after she had already been having contractions, she was very tired and getting discouraged. But she was strong and the baby (from the monitor) was doing well, thank Gd. Achinoam's mother was there, too, and because of Corona the midwives wanted one of us out of the room, only two people accompanying the laboring woman. Since one of them was obviously Dov, the mothers had to sort of take turns being in the room. They didn't want us to switch off; they wanted it so that they are exposed to as few people as possible. I knew that Achinoam wanted her mother there really more than me, so I kept back a lot. I waited in the hallway, or in my car, a lot. I wanted to give her the space and privacy she wanted. I was in there for a few hours here and there, I did some massaging, and reflexology, but much of the time I was supporting by just being there, even from behind a wall. It was a learning experience for me.

The baby is a beautiful girl. She seems to have Achinoam's black curly hair and Dov's big puppy dog eyes. I'm completely in love. I can't wait to see them again! I think we are going up on Thursday when they name her.

I think I haven't updated about my newest undertaking, which I've been doing for about a month now... I joined a college called "michlelet laledet"; birthing college. I decided that I wanted to renew my doula license, to get certified for childbirth education, and learn more about supporting breastfeeding moms. I signed up for a course. It was a big step for me, to finally make a decision that will move me forward, but I realized that I can't do anything with my birthing knowledge and career until I recertify, and get certification for teaching pre-natal classes. You see, I gave my pre-natal classes many, many times in the past. But 13 years ago when I was actively working (before NF got me, and even afterward for a while), the national health insurance wasn't giving any cash back for private birth prep classes or doula care. Now they are. Things have changed, couples can get a refund for private birthing care now. So, I really need certification if I am going to be able to provide couples with the care they need and have them be able to get their money back from the national health insurance. So, actually Robert found this college on-line, and even called up the founder of the program to see if it's right for me. It was, and is. I've had three classes already. It's on Mondays, and will go on for about a year. At the end I'll get all my certifications I am looking for. Then I can get back into business! One step at a time, gradually, I am coming back. 

That reconstruction surgery I had last summer at New York University in Manhattan was a miracle for me. I am not in any abdominal pain except twinges every now and then. And my scars, well they aren't skin grafts anymore! They are large, but just scars. And out of all of the scarring, only one inch of it (one inch!!) keeps getting rashes and itchy. It's the same place that there used to be rashes on the skin grafts. Interesting, there must be something active under it that is making it get a rash on it a lot. I just treat it topically and go on my way. Compared to what it used to be, this is small potatoes!

And my hip is getting much better. It still hurts with certain movements or overuse, but it is getting better. When I go out for a long walk it is actually the *other* hip that winds up hurting me, not the one I had replaced five months ago. I am not going there. I know that one has to be replaced also, I just can't handle another setback and all that pain again. I will put it off for as long as I can.

I am still doing the silversmith training, and very much enjoying it. I made a silver engagement ring with a cubic zarconia over the last few weeks, and now I am working on making a case for a mezuzah (the tiny scroll that Jews put up in their doorways) out of brass and silver. It is a very nice work environment, it's theraputic for me. It is very much like ongoing occupational therapy, just very focused on one skill- silver (and gold and all other metals) smith-ing. Here are pictures of the ring I just made:

And here are pictures of the new baby! Be still, my heart. She is gorgeous, the photos don't do her justice. These were taken about fifteen minutes after birth. She was born 3.3 kilo (about 7 pounds).

Princess just chilling on daddy's chest

                    

When the midwife handed Dov his baby,
he opened his shirt
so she could rest her face on his bare chest
 and feel comforted.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

I don't know when I'll write again, it is very sporadic at this point as you've noticed. My needs are very different now, and keeping the blog is becoming less and less necessary for me. Thank Gd my medical dramas and traumas have *vastly* decreased, and as you can read here I am getting some new goals and directions in my post-NF life. It took 13 years of not working, and lots of blood, sweat, and tears, lots of surgeries and pain (so. much. pain.) to get through the aftermath of NF, but I think I can finally say I have turned a big corner in my recovery. Sarah is coming back. Different than before, and not playing horn (at least not now), but delving into the birthing work. This, I can do.

I will bid you farewell for now. No promises on when the next blog will come out. I'm playing it all by ear. 😉

Medical inventory and other stuff

As I sit with my laptop I realize I am writing fewer and fewer blogs. Life has gotten to that even keel that I always prayed for when things were crazy. When I was sick all the time and going through hoops to get the health care I needed. There were some very very crazy times in there, we all know. I see other people on my NF support group going through it all now. I'm telling you, this reconstruction surgery I had four months ago was like magic. I feel so much better than I ever felt physically since I had NF. I still get twinges and pain from the surgical areas of muscles, though. It reminds me that I'm healing still. This week I thought I had a UTI (urinary tract infection). The urine test I did at the health clinic showed possible signs of a UTI, so we decided to do antibiotics. It was a one shot antibiotic that is supposed to cover you for three days, specifically tailored for UTIs. But then yesterday we found out that the culture came out negative, so I don't have a UTI. It must be pain from the surgery I guess. I pray I'm not getting more adhesions already; that is partially what caused my two years of pain before the surgery. They do come back after surgery, but I don't know how soon. So we are leaving it alone for now.

My legs are each having their problems... each a different problem. Right leg is suffering terribly from restless leg syndrome. It's always jumping at it's own volition. I can control it if I really concentrate on it, but it doesn't last long. It makes it hard to sit for a long time, including driving. It doesn't interfere with driving, but it is there. The worst part of RLS for me is with the horn playing. I need to concentrate on what I am playing, and the leg is just jumping around. It is very uncomfortable. The worst part is that I can't play with the horn bell on my leg (right leg), I have to play with my horn up, off the leg. That is fine for a while, but I don't like always having to practice that way, it is slightly easier to play with the bell on the leg. But as long as I have this RLS, I can't use the leg for anything. I think the RLS is from a medicine I take, which I recently cut in half, but the cutting in half hasn't made the problem easier. I'd like to cut the medicine out totally, but I have to talk to my doctor about that. I have an appointment in two weeks. In the meantime, my leg jumps. The Cannabis at night helps it to calm down so I can sleep at night, but I can't really take it during the day, it makes me spacey.

The other leg, my left leg which has been through so much, is having big time hip problems. I've had two surgeries on that side, and it's hurting again, like all the time when I walk. I think I need another MRI, but I couldn't get an appointment with my orthopedic oncologist until January! I have to keep calling to see if there is a cancellation, but I'm not likely to do that a lot. It's not an emergency. I pray the PVNS has not returned, that would mean more surgery and a larger problem possibly needing radiation afterward. But I'm going to think positive. I think that the joint is very arthritic and may need to be replaced. I slept with a heating pad on it all night last night and it helped only marginally. Oy.

I am going to be starting to learn jewelry making soon! With soldering and everything. It is a program that I can choose based on my "sal shikum" which is rehab for after my hospitalization last winter/spring in the psych hospital ("The Center for Mental Health"). It's most likely going to be short term, until I start the mechina program which will lead me into another career field. It'll be interesting to learn the jewelry making, and also be a creative outlet for me. I desperately need something to get me out of the house, for the first time in my life I feel bored. Sure there is enough house work to keep me busy every day all day, but I need more. So while I have applied to bituach leumi  (national health insurance) for the mechina program (which is the readiness program for honing learning skills for older people changing careers), it's going to take time before that all goes into effect and I can start. So in the meantime I'll work on jewelry making. Sounds nice, right? I'll even make some money at it, they sell the items we make.

I honestly don't know if I can be a nurse. If I can 1) get through the university level classes in Hebrew, and 2) depend on my body to put in those hours also learning, but also for practical nursing practice. My hip hurts after a shopping trip to the mall with my child, how can I do what nurses do? Unless it was at a health clinic or a private doctor who needs a nurse, that could be easier work. I just have such low self esteem with this all. But my horn playing isn't going to be something I can rely on to play full time anywhere anymore, I've just lost the sparkle that I used to have and the control of the instrument I used to have in my playing. It might come back if I work hard on it, but these days I do practice, but don't enjoy it. I am not at the level that I can enjoy my own playing. It's depressing. And doula work, well, I did take on one client to be her doula in December. That will be a good indicator if I can keep doing births or if I'm left in bad shape afterward. And above all this is that I've always wanted to be a nurse. It fascinates me. I'm just not sure I can do it. But I'm only 51 and have a lot of years to get a new career going, and if I don't do that I'll stay unsatisfied with life. By the end of the mechina program, they will tell me what they think would be a good career path for me based on my work at the mechina. That will also help guide me to what would be the right thing for me.

So along with the weather changing, I am making changes. There are some really beautiful days we are having now, fall is here in the desert. It's a little cooler during the days, and the nights are heavenly. Don't need the air conditioner or the heater. I love that. Let's hope my changes will also be blessed!

Finding a new balance

I think that life, post NF, for me, will always need a deeper level of quiet/down time than it did before. I know it's sad, but I can't really listen to music at all anymore, except specifically in a gym, to *my*  music in headphones, if I am working out (which I just started back to do a few days ago!!). It's partially the PTSD- ever since then, I have needed a quiet as possible environment. Now, since I've been mourning my parents for more than two years (they died a year and four months apart), the Jewish laws and rituals of mourning dictate no live music, or listening to music for enjoyment at all. I am OK with that. I have missed some nice concerts I wish I could have gone to, but in general, the quiet is good for me. At Azriel's BarMitzvah we had a DJ (no live music), and when I asked my rabbi about if I can dance at the BarMitzvah, the answer was no, but I could be there. So, I didn't dance (but I wanted to).

Our counselor, on a phone appointment with me the other day, asked how much quiet time I think I need... a few hours a week? A day? A week? I answered I felt like I needed a day per week. But I don't naturally take that time for myself. I usually have to have my body force me into it... which is what is happening today.

Yesterday was Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year for us Jews. It was a thousand times different than last Yom Kippur, thank G-d! Last year I was in horrible abdominal pain, and didn't leave my bed all day. I did fast (25 hour fast is mandatory for Yom Kippur), but I probably shouldn't have-- I was *sooo* sick by the end of that day. This year, totally different! I was in synagogue almost the whole time, and my fast went pretty well, no big issues. I stood almost all day with the prayers, as is customary, and only near the end of the day did I start to get into some pain. I keep saying that the pain shots got me out of pain about 85%.... but that 15% actually isn't nothing. After a while on my feet, the abdominal pain ramps up.

Then, while already in pajamas ready for going to bed early last night, I got a call from my good friend who's daughter just gave birth a few weeks ago. Her daughter had been having some problems breast feeding, and I have been helping her out when I can. I've spent a few different sessions (2-3 hours each) with her working on the problems. So when her mother called me desperate to help her daughter last night, even though I was exhausted from the fast, I got re-dressed and went over to her. I wound up being with her until about 2am. There were many many issues to sort out... getting her a breast pump from a friend, and since that was on American power, I went to another friend to borrow a power converter, coming back to sterilize the pump parts and take care of the hurting new mommy with a budding breast infection and fever. Not simple. I definitely burned the candle at both ends, but when helping new moms is involved, I have a VERY hard time with boundaries. It's part of why I'm not working. I feel my horn playing, although it satisfies a different part of me totally, is possibly more doable, if I can put boundaries on how much I do on a given day/week. I tend to overdo things.... have you noticed that trait in me over the years?

So, today, I'm down for the count. Been in bed all day, although we have a dinner engagement with family soon which I am looking forward to.

Not only down for the count because I emotionally need it, but my body has been putting up red flags for a week now that I have been trying to ignore. My lymph nodes in my left armpit feel like a golf ball and are painful, I have a little infection on my skin graft (AGAIN!!), and I have to report here a month-or-maybe-more long pain that is getting me worried that something sinister is going on in my left leg again. I can't lie on my left side in bed- my upper thigh- femur actually- hurts. That's where there is all the nerve damage from the NF, but it's a new-ish pain, and not going away. I am slightly worried about an infection in the bone, like osteomyelitis, or something else I don't yet know about. I've lost some range of movement in that leg, too, recently. I decided to tell my doctor all these things today (spending the day in bed can make me come clear about what my body's messages are saying), and I'll start trying to figure out what is going on. Maybe it's just the nerve damage in that leg acting up.

I really want to ignore it all and be not worried. I have that "infection ghost" thing in me, and it's like having a shadow behind you which is 10 times your size and moving like a monster, and you're trying to ignore him all the time. I am so paranoid about blowing things out of proportion that I want to ignore my body's messages. I believe I am inherently healthy, and getting stronger since the pain shots (which, I may only have one more month of enjoying the effects.... we are working on finding an anesthesiologist who can do them here...). Anyway, I put the Manuka honey on the little skin graft infection today, and I'll re-apply it tomorrow (and so on), and hope it'll go away.

So, by hook or by crook, my body takes my quiet day. Ideally I'd be planning it into the week, but when I'm feeling good I don't necessarily need it. As I wrote that, I know it's BS. I always need it. I don't always get it, though. Sometimes migraines force me to take a day, but it's not a *good* day, it's forced by pain, and suffering in a dark room with nobody talking to me. I'm hoping that being 100% gluten free, dairy free and night-shade vegetable free will help the migraine situation. The jury is still out. I've had some doozies recently.

But this passed week I went to the gym for the first time in well over a year, I went grocery shopping, also first time in a year, cooked up a storm for dinners, and cleaned, did laundry, and was basically *in life*. That is a miracle. And I'm grateful.

(recently I re-posted my NF story on Facebook, I'll repost here, too. There are enough people at this point who don't know the whole background, this explains it well. It's from the NFW website, where there are many, many other people's NF stories, and an opportunity to donate to our foundation.
https://tim-hayden-7rt5.squarespace.com/klein-sarah-1/)

Huge good things happening, Thank God

What a whirlwind.
Since I came back from the US a month ago, I literally hit the ground running, getting things ready for Azriel's BarMitzvah, and for the high holidays. Things have been amazing... with the pain shots still in effect, I can live life. I can Live Life. It's been a long time since I could say that for more than one blog post in a row.

One big theme this month has been for me to re-learn how to be in life, and what are my present needs. It's not as simple as one would think. I spent most of a year inactive, dealing with intense pain. Then, all-of-a-sudden, one day, the pain disappeared (mostly). I came back, and without any physical or emotional rehab, just jumped back into life. It has left me at times distraught, needing down time, needing lots of alone time, and extremely tired on a regular basis. My migraines are returning, too, unfortunately. Fairly regularly. I got some good "front line" medicine "imported" from when I went to Colorado... and that is helping, but not sure what to do when that runs out. They don't sell that type here.

I need a lot of down time, I'm exhausted a lot. I need a lot of quiet time. I think I've gotten used to the slower life style of being in constant pain, opting out of many things. Not that G-d forbid I *want* that, no no no. I just have to strike a balance.

I also know in the back of my head that this being out of pain thing may not be "for keeps". It might be, but it might wear off in about a month, too. No way to know. I haven't yet found an anesthesiologist who has the right equipment to do these shots... but I haven't exhausted all my resources yet. And, in the back of my head, the reconstruction surgery lurks, with a big question mark next to it. First I'll get the MRI for the doctor in NY, then we'll go from there. By then I may know if the pain shot effects are wearing off or not.

Moving right along... LIFE! Life is moving right along.

I am now the proud momma to FOUR teenagers! Azriel turned 13, and my oldest is one month shy of being 20, so for one month in my life, I have four teenagers in the house! Baruch Hashem. And what kids they are. I am so proud of each one of them and the stages they are at in their lives, I feel tremendous blessing. Being able to enjoy Azriel's BarMitzvah with him was such a blessing, I don't have words to describe my tremendous gratitude to G-d for making that happen.

There were three stages to this BarMitzvah. The first stage was for Azriel to read from the Torah, for his first time ever, in the synagogue that his great-grandfather (on Robert's mother's side) used to pray. This is a tremendous thing, Robert's ancestors were some of the original settlers of the northern Israel town of Rosh Pina, in 1878. The synagogue they prayed in still stands, and has the original floors and seats, and even some art work painted by Robert's grandfather. You can imagine how special it was for this youngest of the Klein family to carry on tradition to read Torah there. We had very special guests with us there also, Robert's northern cousins who still live there. His oldest cousin is nearly 100 years old, may he be blessed for many more years of health and strength! That hundred year old cousin joined us, and was right next to Azriel when Azriel read Torah. Monumental.

Azriel and cousin Aviv, almost 100 years old, who was born in Rosh Pina.

Dovie carrying the Torah

Ya'akov doing "hagba", holding the open Torah, high, for all to see

The sign on the ancient synagogue

We made an overnight of the event. Rosh Pina is a long drive from our town of Be'er Sheva, so we stayed with some other cousins of Robert's. My brother Peter was with us, as well as Robert's brother Michael. It was so deeply special.

We returned from Rosh Pina with a day and a half to prepare for the big part of the BarMitzvah, Azriel's Torah reading for Shabbat. And a big kiddush (lots of wine & food for many people after services) had to be organized. I had been cooking all week, but it was still a daunting task. But we all did it together. Azriel's Torah reading was beautiful, wearing his new suit. He did the whole portion, the haftorah, and gave a d'var Torah... which is a speech giving a lesson learned from the Torah portion. All and all, we were beaming with pride.

But what a busy time! I had a houseful of family (extended), and out-of-town guests put up with my friends and neighbors. I am *so* grateful for everyone who helped with the accommodations and making meals! I could NOT have done it without you all! Especially the Quinns, Greens, Wachspress's and Shapira's. Thank you with all my heart!!

With the part of the BarMitzvah with the most pressure for Azriel being over, we immediately had to switch into Rosh Hashana mode... it was coming the next day. Lots more food preparation, cleaning, laundry, and hosting family & friends! I started out this blog by saying what a whirlwind, and I meant it!

Rosh Hashana is sort of like two days of Shabbat in a row, so lots of preparations, emotionally as well as physically. Thankfully we were invited out for a few meals, so that made things a bit easier overall.
As opposed to last year when I spent most of Rosh Hashana in bed, this year I was in synagogue for all the services, and got to pray standing up as much as I wanted. It is really like a miracle to me to be relieved of that abdominal pain. A pure miracle.

With Rosh Hashana over, we had one day which was a day of fast. It was welcome after all those big meals!
Then after the fast day was Azriel's big party at the beautiful event hall. That was last night. It was *beautiful*, if I do say so myself. It very much represented the humble boy (man?!) Azriel is, and his friends showed him a great time! One table was full of 13 year old boys. It was quite fun. We used the same DJ which we used for Shifra's BatMitzvah three years ago, and he was spectacular. Perfect for us. The food (which I didn't have to cook!) was fabulous, the atmosphere beautiful and intimate, and having our friends and community celebrate with us is just the best, warmest thing in the world.

I missed my parents, though. I actually cried a lot about it the morning before the party. The mourning was so palpable. I really really miss especially my father (he died most recently). Also of course Robert's parents were missed. I wrote in my speech to Azriel "May the memories of Naomi and Dolph Klein, and Theda and Philip Kashin always be blessed, and may their best attributes be carried on in your life." I didn't dance at the BarMitzvah because of the mourning practises during the first year of a parent's death. That was hard (not to dance), but I appreciate honoring my parent's memories that way.

Last night after the party, we all didn't get to sleep until 2:30 am. Everyone was exhausted but also wound up, and Azriel *had* to open all his presents, of course! What a night. It was so blessed and beautiful, thank G-d. I wrote my speech for him based on this blog entry... it was the blessing I had written for Azriel when he was 3 and a half, and I was scared to go into a big surgery the next day. I wrote a blessing for each of my kids just in case they have nothing else to hold onto from me after that surgery. I was that scared. The speech went into detail about those attributes I wrote about him, and how that is still him. It was a true blessing to take those words written then in fear, and change them to all good, positive energy.

I've had a houseful of relatives non-stop for a few weeks, and that has also been great. The kids have had a continuous supply of uncles (and an aunt for the barmitzvah Shabbat!) and cousins. It's all good.

Today I had the opportunity to help a mommy who had given birth 12 days ago, and was having nursing problems. When I came into my house after synagogue, she was there waiting for me with a puffy face, having been crying, and holding her fussy/crying baby. I had helped her give birth to her last baby (not so long ago-- a year & 4 months ago! The same age difference between my first two), and I was so honored that she came for help. We spent an hour in my bedroom learning about the issues and learning how to fix them. An hour later a happy mommy and sleeping baby left to go on their way. Oh my gosh, it is soooo fulfilling to help moms & babies! Can I start thinking about maybe going back to that a bit?

Can I rely on being out of pain? No. Can I know I won't need that big abdominal surgery? No.
But in a little while, I may be ready to try again... if the pain doesn't return, I'll have more confidence to go forward. If it does, well, I'll have to take it from there. I still have to find someone who can administer these nerve block shots here in Israel.

But for now, a few pictures from the BarMitzvah (taken with my cell phone, not the professional ones yet) to close this. I feel a headache coming on...

Dov giving his beautiful speech to Azriel

Robert giving his speech/blessings to Azriel

My brother Peter singing one of Azriel's favorite songs to him
(Shifra holding words/chord sheet)

Doesn't that smile say it all?

Shifra, me, and my dear friend Miriam

The proud parents

I WILL HEAL. Something has got to work.

So much is going on... lots of changes. I am working hard to heal myself, and all the time not feeling well at all. I don't know what is wrong, but I have been feeling really lousy/achey/fevery lately (but no fever).

I started writing this blog post many days ago, I lost track of when. I'm going to just take pieces of it, then continue on with more present things going on.

(this is from late last week:)
I felt so traumatized after that shot last Monday. Totally defeated and beaten up.
On Tuesday my abscess acted up. It acts up whenever new pathogens are introduced to my body and my lymph system has to fight. This time it was from the shot for the MRA. It was swollen, red, and I had a fever. That lasted for two days, and by Thursday I was a bit better. But, Thursday was my last day of taking my migraine medicine, so I had withdrawal to go through, so no rest for the weary.

I chose not to go to the hospital to have the abscess taken care of surgically (I was told to do that). I have many years of experience, and I'd know if I was in any real danger from infection. I was too traumatized to enter a hospital knowing something on me was going to get a surgical procedure. Also, I am not convinced that I need that procedure. The cyst/abscess doesn't look like the pictures of the same thing I've seen on the internet. Anyway, I literally was too traumatized to go. I have decided I am going to try to take care of this (and other) problems with homeopathy. I've never really given it a true try, and it is time. I will do almost anything to avoid having this abscess drained surgically. It's an awful two procedures, and will open me up to infection over the course of weeks. Not good. So, tomorrow morning I am going to a wonderful homeopath. She is also the same woman who did my lymphatic draining the first two years after I had NF. My sister-in-law is a homeopath (but they have a policy not to treat family), and they know each other. I know I'm in good hands. :)


(now...)
I had the initial interview with the homeopath team (two partners work together), and it was really really intense. It lasted three hours, and then I had to answer a questionnaire in an email afterward. Homeopathy is about much more than healing an illness based on symptoms. It's about your whole life and history that got you to this point in your health. It's true integrative health.

(Skipping back to the older writing:)
So guess what? I am off my migraine medicine, which is good and bad. Good because my hands will soon stop having tremors, but bad because I am not covered for migraines. (and I've had a few whoppers since then...)
But what does feel cool is that now, I think I am on the least amount of prescription medicines in the whole 10 years since NF. I am on only two prescription medicines. I find that amazing. I'd like to get off the sleeping pills, and it will happen at the right time. Then only one would be left. Amazing.

There is a lot going on... it's hard for me to keep track of everything. But today I had an important meeting with a speech pathologist regarding my throat click. The ear, nose, throat doctor I am seeing about that is in Rechovot- Kaplan hospital, so I went there again today.

So, the ENT had ordered some tests so he can try to work out a treatment plan, if any, for the problem. It's not just that I have a click in my throat every time I swallow, but I am also losing my voice. It is getting worse and worse. I can no longer sing out of my speaking range... nothing comes out. I used to be quite a good singer... sang in choirs and everything. This losing my singing range started after my last surgery, last October, on my hip. I'll remind those who may not know or remember, but something happened either with the tube in my throat, or with the position I was in during surgery, that screwed up my throat. Hasn't been the same since.

I had a CT scan of my throat, and the results of that could also explain the numbness I have in my arm and fingers and why I have had to [temporarily] stop playing horn. There are bone spurrs, and many protruding disks in my cervical spine (neck). Basically from C1-C7 is completely messed up.

The ENT also confirmed I have vocal polyps (which I've had for 25 years, but there are more now), and need to never raise my voice, talk less in general, and less on the phone. Lot's more texting for this girl! Our house is so big, though, it's going to be hard to break the habit of raising my voice to call the kids around when I want to. I've already texted two of my children within the same house. This oughta be interesting! But all jokes aside, this has been scary for me, slowly losing my voice.

Then he said this:
"have you been to a neurologist about the numb fingers?"
"no"
"why not"?
"because I can't bear to open another can of worms. I'm too traumatized."
"has an orthopedist seen this CT?"
"no"
"why?"
"Because orthopedists suggest surgery and I can't bear it anymore".

"OK, listen Mrs Klein my dear, I need a report from a neurologist and an orthopedist who have seen this CT. I understand you are scared, but just because someone suggests surgery doesn't mean you have to do it. I very well may have other therapies that will work for you, but I first need to make order out of all the issues going on in your neck and voice. It could be that the "click" is from the skeletal issues in your neck, it may not be. I need more information. And I want you to be able to play your horn again. That's my goal."

Funny, I told him, because my neurologist said that to me also years ago at our first meeting when he was helping me go off the Fentanyl. He said his goal was to help me to play music again. So, my ENT said we're on the same page.

Thing is, the Homeopath advised not to go to the neurologist. She said "for what"? He has to make a diagnosis and treatment plan, and it'll be medicines or surgery, and you don't need another diagnosis hanging over your head". I understand that, so at this point I'm waiting.

(now...)
Yesterday I saw an Osteopath for the first time. Osteopaths also do integrative medicine, many also work with Homeopathy, and Chinese herbs, but they concentrate on aligning the body to function at it's best. I need need need to stop the numbness and tingling in my fingers coming from the left side of my neck. It's not a good thing. I cannot play horn with that happening, it exacerbates the problem. So I had to leave the orchestra I was volunteering with. Makes me sad, but I also feel intuitively that it is temporary. Please Gd.

I got an osteopathic adjustment yesterday. It was really intense, and somewhat painful (OK, very painful in some spots), but I feel this guy knows what he's doing. He came highly recommended. He looked at the CT of my neck and said "wow, what a mess (but in a tone and manner that was not judgmental at all). I'd like an MRI". I'm going back to him next week to do another adjustment- neck, back, hips. He also said that when the body is in alignment, the immune system works better as well. I have optimistic hopes with these therapies I am trying! (and I have to ask my orthopedist for a referral for an MRI on my neck...)

I have recently found myself digging deeper into "why is it every time I try to get back into life, there is a road block with my health getting in the way?" I have asked many people on my NF support group, and nobody else (so far) seems to have the problems I've had since NF. There are people who do have problems, but not like mine. Some got NF because of diabetes, or other problems, but not many people I have come across have ongoing health issues for many years. I am so ready to MOVE on and live life to the fullest... I just can't understand why my body isn't letting me.


But I did do a birth! :) On Monday my friend's daughter went into labor, and she called me for some advice. I gave advice over the phone, and said also that I was free for the evening if she wanted me to come over for a bit to asses things. Her daughter said *yes* that she wants me to come over. So, off I went! I got to their house, and there was the lovely lady in the shower. I half got in with her, and helped her with her contractions. We stayed home for a few hours, then it seemed clear to me that she was almost ready to give birth, so off we went to the hospital. We got there, and she was already 10 centimeters dilated! Yay! Perfect. She had the baby in 15 minutes afterward. And *that's* the way to do it, uh-huh. :)

Did I pay for it afterward?
Uh huh. :(
I had a fever the next night (Shavuot), and a migraine the following morning. But when the migraine ended I did get to go to her house and visit with them. That was awesome. Mommy and baby are doing great, baruch Hashem. But with me, those things (fever, migraine) might have happened anyway, so at least I got to be at a birth!

So, Sunday I go back to Kaplan hospital for the vocal therapy, then Wednesday to Jerusalem for osteopathy. And at some point next week I'll hear from the homeopaths and they will give me a remedy that they think will help me.

I WILL HEAL.
I just wish I understood more about what is going on inside my body.

Karma

So much good is happening. On the one hand I am starting to trust it, but on the other hand, just as that is happening, I get knocked down again with another infection. Why does that happen every time I start playing horn again?

A few months back I met a trombone player at a friend's daughter's batMitzvah Shabbat. Turns out his position on playing and stopping playing was very similar to mine. We had a lot in common. He works in Be'er Sheva every day, so we vaguely conspired to prepare a recital together, within a year or so. The idea sounded great to both of us, and in principle I am still looking forward to doing it.

So now I've been practicing almost every day, sounding better and better, finding my embouchure again, and the wobble-chin of no muscle support is slowly going away. I've been playing in the community orchestra I wrote about, and really loving that. I've been so happy about that.

Then it struck... yesterday I wound up in the hospital again. Remarkably it was on the day that is the anniversary of my hernia surgery which lead to NF. April 26th, 2007... ten years. What karma.

Two blogs back (here) I wrote about a few times that I nearly wound up in the hospital. Once was a cellulitis-like adventure that I underplayed and decided to stay home, and said it was better the next day. Well, that particular pain/fevery feeling is not new to me, it's happened a lot over the years. I just chalk it up to lymphedema and my general situation. Last time it happened, though, I did notice a definite red circle within all the swollen part. So, when it happened again yesterday, accompanied again with fever, I went to the doctor. She sent me to the ER. They gave it a name- it is an abscess of a certain gland. Who knew? I've had it for years, and I never specifically checked it out because it is usually better the next day. But now it seems that because it's visible, it's a bigger abscess. Not great. They said they could intervene surgically and remove it, or I could try to combat it with antibiotics. Yeah, that's a no-brainer for me. Lay those antibiotics on me. Yes, I have a lot of allergies, but I'll need antibiotics anyway, so, you're the doctor, find something. The idea of cutting (just that word makes me feel like the face of the guy in Edvard Munch's painting of "The Scream") into an abscess in an area (involved in the NF) where there is a compromised lymph system... REALLY? "I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid" (from one of my favorite movies "Forest Gump").

If the antibiotics don't work and this thing doesn't clear up, well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Good news is that I am not allergic to them. That first dose is always a bit nerve-wracking, but thankfully it was uneventful. They make me really, really tired (because I wasn't really that tired before), and so far no change in the abscess, but I can wait. We have 7 days to make this baby reabsorb.

When I met that trombone player, I said to him that every time I pick up my horn to start playing again, I get sick or someone dies, and it makes me stop being able to play. Seriously. You know, in that matter-of-fact way I say things, those of you who know me, I said that. So he says "maybe you should try to boil your mouthpiece to sterilize it before you play, maybe you are getting germs from that". I thought to myself "awwww, isn't that cute... he thinks I'm talking about little germs and a cold. Maybe a little cold sore on my lip. Such sweet, innocent thinking". Then I told him a tiny, 20-second version of what germs I was dealing with and what I meant by getting sick... and what I meant by who died recently in my life. There may have been some longer-than-usual pauses in our small talk.

On the topic of getting back to my old self in a new way, recently I have also received *three* calls for doula work, and did one support visit for a post-partum woman after a c-section. Isn't that so interesting? I didn't accept the doula work, I gave them phone numbers of other doulas. But the post-partum visit I made was very rewarding. I think I helped her a lot, having been through a c-section myself.

That's also karma, if you ask me. I said above that on the ten year anniversary of my hernia surgery I was in the hospital with another infection and that was karma... well it seems to go both ways.

Life is black AND white. I'm rolling with it.

Orchestra rehearsal is in 15 minutes at the moment.... I'm sad to be missing it! 

But I'll be back. Please God.

Isn't this the *coolest*!? I wish it was mine... just a photo from the net.

Strength in challenges, and challenging strength.

I've been spending lots of time in the hospital with my friend- the one who was in ICU for six weeks. She is now out of ICU, and getting stronger by the day. It is nothing short of a miracle. She almost died more than a few times, and now she is healing. She still has a long way to go, but she will get home, with help. I try to go to her every day, but it doesn't always happen. It's going to be a busy week.....

I am feeling so strong these days, I feel my own miracle. I haven't felt this strong since I had NF, I think. Being off the narcotic pain meds (after six years) has changed the quality of my life many-fold. I am stronger, and not as sleepy. My digestive system is awake and working properly, and that is such a gift, you probably can't imagine. I can handle the days better. Even the jet lag wasn't as severe this time.

It's the first time since I got sick that I am not on any pain medicines. Do I have stronger pain? YES. Can I work on myself to appreciate feeling strong while dealing with pain? So far, the answer is yes. I will not go back there, to narcotic-land. I've had a taste of freedom and I like it. I even have my new licence for cannabis, all I have to do is take a trip to Tel Aviv once, and thereafter they would deliver the stuff directly to my house. But, after the two week trip to the US which we just did, I decided not to pursue that route. I want to be off medicines, [almost] at any cost. I made it through difficult days traveling, and the entire vacation without pain relief. I don't want to be reliant on drugs. It's there, though, if I change my mind.

Now, what to do about the pain? It remains the most difficult aspect of my life. 24/7 I feel all different kinds of pain: from my right thigh problem, from Gapey (I still have trouble with the pins that are holding the mesh behind Gapey), nerve pain, left thigh joint pain, and recently dealing with a bad rash around Gapey as well. The rash is because I have to wear the pressure garment every day... it is for controlling the lymph-edema. Also since it has a pocket for the prosthetic pillow, I am more comfortable in my clothes with the pillow filling in the concave hole which is Gapey. But, it is awful in the summer. It is nylon. And tight. Makes me crazy, you can't even imagine. But if I try to do a day without it, the lymph-edema pain comes right back, and I wind up swollen. Problem is that the skin around Gapey is very sensitive, and a bit of sweat can cause a heat rash. This nylon is not absorbent. The rash does not go away with anti-fungal cream. It is soothed with tea-tree oil spray, and that is what I use for the time being, but that doesn't take it away, just calms down the inflammation/irritation. I put soft cotton around Gapey in the pressure garment; it's a whole procedure. It takes longer for me to get redressed and organized with the cotton and whatnot after using the bathroom. Oh well, compared to my friend in the hospital (who is going to have a MUCH bigger Gapey) what I am dealing with is small.

Having said that, I'll tell you about what is up for me this week.

I am doing an MRA test on Monday. It differs from an MRI in that contrast dye is injected directly into the artery of the joint, and I won't be able to walk for a while. It's very un-fun and last time I had it (two years ago) it left me in strong pain for a few days thereafter. The good news is that it is being done in the one private hospital right here in Be'er Sheva (*not* Soroka). The bad news is that neither the national health fund nor our private insurance will cover the cost. I have been trying for weeks to appeal and get them to cover it. It's an expensive test- over 5,500 shekels ($1,200 US). After discussing it at length with Robert, and considering the other options which the health fund *would* cover, we decided to go for this time-and-place on Monday in Be'er Sheva. There are only four hospitals in the country that do this particular test, and I have called them all and faxed all of them my referral. The closest dates they have are in January. That would mean, if I wait to get this test until January, I won't be able to do the surgery until afterward. That is a *long* time away. Remember, I am not on pain killers, and this is quite painful. The sooner I have this test to bring to my new orthopedist (also private, but my private health insurance will cover that surgery), the sooner I can do the surgery, heal, and please Gd eliminate that source of pain. Bilateral hip pain is the PITS.

The very next day, Tuesday, hoping I am in decent shape, I am supposed to go into Tel Aviv to Ichilov hospital for my follow-up for PVNS. I think I am the only person in the world (well, maybe not the whole world, but you know what I mean) who has two different doctors for two different legs. The left is orthopedic oncology, the right thigh joint is straight-forward orthopedics. How did life get this complex? Well, yeah, we know the answer. But I will reiterate, I am, at this point in my life, after having gone through the h*llish withdrawal from Fentanyl for 10 months, the strongest physically and emotionally I have been since I got sick 8 years ago. Thank the Good Lord.

So it's looking like surgery will be in the next month or so. It depends on the surgeon's schedule. I want to get it over with already. Remember, this is the surgery that I had to put off last summer when I turned into a tomato on the operating table seconds before I was put to sleep for the surgery. I upped the Fentanyl at that point because my orthopedist "fired" me for being too high risk. I needed to cope with the pain. Then I had the cellulitis hospitalization which happened after the allergy testing for antibiotics. That was a crazy time. I think this may be the first time in 8 years that a whole year has passed without me having an infection or hospitalization. Did I tell you yet how strong I have been feeling? :)

OK, gotta get to sleep. I have a teenager in angst about starting her new junior high tomorrow. Had a long heart-to-heart with her and she went to sleep feeling good and confident. I love that. I love that I am a stay-at-home mom for my kids. Even when I'm sick or recovering from surgery, I am here, at home. It means the world to the kids, and to me. Having said that, I am looking forward to school starting and reclaiming my days and starting to play horn seriously again. I want to take up the offer my orchestra partner put on the table; that being, as soon as I am ready, he has work for me. I want to get my feet wet again with my music, I miss it so much, I ache to play again. I don't know if I can get to the level of professionalism I used to have, but I am planning on starting to practice with a goal. Pain is sometimes in the way, though. That is why I can't work. I'll take this one day at a time. Working and having surgery don't go together. That's why I get disability payments every month, because I can't work. But I am determined to try. I miss that aspect of myself... it's a huge part of my life that was cut away with Gapey. While I cannot regain the losses of having had NF, I hope to regain being an orchestra (or chamber music) musician.

As far as my doula work, that must remain on hold. It is too challenging to be the person that people will rely on. It is too physically draining, and I have too many physical restraints stopping me from doing a good job. Helping out my friend in the hospital is like being a doula. Now that she is awake and aware, no longer in ICU, she needs lots of emotional support. Each time I am there with her I massage her feet, and speak soothing words, much like I did with pregnant women. I need to give, it is in my nature. I am searching for balance, and am creating a plan about how to achieve that. With Gd's help.

Good night, a new week is around the corner. Let's pray I feel as strong at the end of it as I do now.

Please continue praying for my friend, Shoshana Chaya Bat Bassie. She is getting stronger, but is not out of the woods.

May this week bring health, strength, and loving kindness to all of us!!

Up for another rollercoaser ride?

I have been plagued with the type of exhaustion that gets into all your muscles and bones and stays there for a long time. That last blog post about crashing hasn't really ended. I can't stop feeling exhausted, and I don't know why.

Yesterday things got a little crazy. We almost went to the hospital, but it wasn't quite at that stage. I had a fever, and I had cellulitis symptoms exactly like the cellulitis I had three months ago when I was hospitalized for four days. It wasn't full-blown yet, and I decided to stay home (against my husband's and some of my friend's recommendations). My sister-in-law, who is a homeopath and reflexologist, suggested that I dose myself with Echinacea & Propolis every half hour. We followed directions, and I slept, still feeling fevery. It was a fitful night sleep, but in the early morning I woke up in a sweat. My body did it without "real" antibiotics- sweated out a fever. The next day (the day in which Simchat Torah would start in the evening), I was feeling much better, cellulitis symptoms much less. *No hospital, no IV antibiotics*. In the evening (chag, the holiday of Simchat Torah), fever went up a bit, but not as high as it had been the previous night. Keeping on with the Echinacea & Propolis, I slept well and felt much better the next day. I even went to shul for a few hours, just in time for hearing the reading of the Torah- my favorite reading of the whole year- when the last portion of the Torah is read, going right back into the beginning once again... the cycle of life ending and beginning, seamlessly. I LOVE hearing the first portion of the Torah- "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth..." Gives me goosebumps each time. I was also in shul for a very intense, deeply inspiring prayer that we say once a year. This is the prayer that beseeches God to give us the rains at their right times. We don't have much rain in Israel, and the prayer for rain is real. The way the "cantor" (not really a cantor, rather, someone in our shul who was leading that service, who happens to have a wonderful singing voice) delivered the prayer also gave me goosebumps. It was strong, and right from his heart. The tune is heard only once a year, when this prayer is recited, and it is so visceral, it's hard for me to find the right words to convey how it effected me. Right to my bones.... kind of how the cold feels in winters here with the houses heated as an after-thought. Heating wasn't built into Israeli houses, we install separate units where they are needed. The Israeli winters make my bones chill for a few months straight, even though it is "only" rain and not snow. It's hard to get warm and stay warm. Anyway, that sort of deep-to-the-bone feeling is how the prayer effected me as well.

I felt great all day! No traces that I had a close call with cellulitis just a day and a half beforehand!! Well, not exactly no traces at all- I still have some soreness where the swelling and redness occur in the effected, prone areas, but not at all what I'd call real pain, and no trace of fever at all. I am so glad I didn't go to the hospital that first night. Robert & I both felt that it was not quite full blown, but it had potential to get worse. I took it easy immediately, took care of myself, and it ran away. :)
(I have a lymphatic draining massage session on Sunday which hopefully will clear up the remaining traces of swelling).

In fact, I felt so good, that when my friend wrote me an SMS, last night, that she was in the delivery room in labor with her baby, I grabbed my doula bag and went straight to her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I helped a mommy birth her fifth baby (...fifth boy!) last night. Oh, what a pleasure and gift that was for me. Everything went as smoothly as it could possibly go. This woman was strong, very much within her own body experiences- didn't want to hear anyone talking. Just the quiet jazz piano music I chose (playing from my phone- I used to bring a portable CD player and disks- those days are gone!). I did a lot of massaging, all her pain was in her back. I'd massage with the contractions, and put a hot-water bottle on her lower back between contractions. It was a good formula for her, and her labor progressed beautifully. Out of her five children, this is the third one I helped her birth, and only those three were natural. I feel so happy that I can make a difference in her life! I remembered positions, suggestions, tips & tricks. I felt like I slipped into my doula life seamlessly, as if I still do it all the time. The truth is that the last birth I assisted was exactly a year ago. That was the one where I "accidentally" left on my cell phone over Shabbat, and my friend called as a last-ditch-effort to get someone to come be with her- she was all alone in Soroka in labor. When I looked at the screen of my ringing phone that late Shabbat night, and saw my pregnant friend's name, knowing that she must be at the end of her pregnancy, I answered immediately. She wouldn't call if it wasn't an emergency. I came to her in the middle of the night, and her labor was also beautiful and natural.... and so powerful. That was a year ago (Shabbat Succot- almost exactly a year ago!).

Although I'd love to do more than one birth a year (an understatement for sure!), having the close call with the fever and cellulitis was an unpleasant reminder that I cannot commit to people. A doula must commit, and I have to worry about if I will be healthy when her labor starts. I almost couldn't be at this one. When I did walk through the door to her birthing room last night (she didn't expect me- her phone was off when I tried to call- I went because of the message she sent), she said it was like an angel swooping in unexpectedly. I can do it that way- the "if I can... if the stars are all in alignment when you go into labor..." A working doula, obviously, has to know that her health is pretty reliable.

I think I wrote a few months ago- after my last hospitalization in July with cellulitis- that I have been given an awakening of sorts that now I am prone to this happening more. The  lymphoedema started then, very acutely, and that is the way it will be for the rest of my life. The last cellulitis was the trigger for the harsh lymphoedema. Now I just saw it again a few days ago, just three months after the last one. I have to wear my compression bandage every day, all day now, no choice. In fact, I think that one of the reasons I almost got a relapse this time was because of my choice not to wear it that night. I had my reasons. But, that choice is not mine anymore. No matter how hot and uncomfortable it is, I have no choice. Things have shifted since that hospitalization last July, and this is my "new" reality. So, no, I can't work steadily with any sort of commitment to anyone. I gotta take care of myself, and my family. That *is* my work. And if I get a birth every now & then by luck, then, well, icing on the cake! I am grateful for what I can do.

Some pictures of her 5th baby's birth last night, and her second baby's birth of 8+1/2 years ago. Unfortunately I don't seem to have pictures from the birth before this one which I assisted her with because it went fast. After the birth, we were dealing with the fact that the baby was a Down's syndrome baby, so pictures weren't appropriate.

15 minutes after birth

little guy a few minutes after birth

enjoying the baby... mommy bliss

eight and a half years ago, me checking baby's position

Same place she needed massaging all last night!

I was doing the same thing last night... exactly! But not outside, in the hospital.

eight and a half years ago, on a labor walk around the neighborhood

We walked lots during that labor. I don't know who took this picture, actually!

Gotta go- Shabbat is in a half hour.
What a roller coaster, right?!
Shabbat Shalom from Israel!