Mourning

The opening paragraph of my book is planned to look something like this:

I really wanted that baby. I wanted to get pregnant and give birth again. I felt that there was a soul flying around in my universe, needing to land in my family. Being a doula, I needed another chance at getting birth right, after having had a c-section with my last baby. I was looking forward to a positive birth experience that would repair the last one.
In time, the very essence of the words “repair” and “birth” would take on entirely new interpretations. I planned, I prayed for what I wanted. What I now realize is that I did receive repair, and I did receive birth, but only my Creator could teach me those concepts in the way they were tailor made, and intended for me.
I had a plan. As far as I was concerned, it was 100% foolproof. I had no reason, in my small scope of living, to think that things would turn out differently..... 

That's the opening concept... that I wanted another baby. That was the reason I had the hernia surgery.
Along with mourning all I lost to NF after the hernia surgery, I had to mourn not having that other baby. There was no way in the world I could physically or emotionally bring another baby into my family at that point. I know, I have four *amazing* children, and they are true blessings and each one an incredible soul. But mourning what you didn't have doesn't cancel out what you *do* have. Kind of like having a healthy baby after a cesarean section when you had planned a home birth. Yes, I was *of course* happy to have Azriel, and that he was healthy after the crazy birth we had to go through, but I had to mourn the home birth I hoped for. So, too, I talked in therapy about that baby I had prayed for, what it meant to me, how I can move on anyway, and I learned to put those feelings safely away.

What I didn't know is that there was another level of mourning waiting for me regarding that fifth child. It seems I am doing that now. I was ready and willing to adopt Tessa. I loved her mother, who just passed away. I was taking care of Tessa a lot the weeks before Sabrina passed away. It was hard for me, I was giving my all, and exhausting every emotional and physical resource to do it. I was also trying to take care of Sabrina, driving her to Tel Aviv for her appointments, visiting, errands. But I had it in my mind that I was ready to adopt Tessa if things turned out that way. Sabrina had chosen someone else to adopt Tessa, and that me and my family would be "back-ups" if something with the first choice arrangement didn't work out. During those last few weeks of Sabrina's life, I really got to know (and deeply admire) the person who Sabrina chose. We had some very deep heart-to-heart talks near the end, of course. I had to know where she stands, and she had to know where I stand.

It's just that I thought I stood in a different place. I assumed my kids did, too.
Turns out I really couldn't give Tessa everything she needed, while giving my own children what they need as well.

Turns out that what we learn from our kids is *always* our tikun. Once again, they taught me what it means to mother them.

And thank Gd Tessa's soon-to-be adoptive mother is able to make the difficult changes her life will need to take Tessa into her home, and they have a very wonderful relationship. I will still be in Tessa's life, of course. She'll always know where I am and that my door is always open to her. I'll be a loving auntie.

But right now my heart hurts. I am again mourning. Honestly, it's been so tough. Mourning Mom has been more real-time with my father here. And of course Sabrina's passing is so fresh. Then there is also this other little person who, for a few weeks, I thought I'd be bringing up... well I'm mourning the plan of that. It's so interesting how children show us exactly what they need. All we have to do is listen. They are a little piece of Gd that way, you know?

"Mother these souls. The ones I've already given you. 

I heard your prayers, I saved your life. 

I've cradled you in my palm."

-God

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Thank Gd my father is indeed recovering from the pneumonia. He is starting to get a little stronger as you can see in this picture from our walk outside today.

Tomorrow is his last full day in Israel... Thursday is their flight home. I'll miss him, and I'll also look forward to quiet. I really, really need quiet more than anything these days. Quiet to rest, to write my book, to mourn, to heal (will I ever heal?).
One important concept I am learning to incorporate is that mourning is not depression, that there is a very clear distinction. That is somehow comforting, right?

In transit... between two worlds, visiting all my worlds

[I returned home Thursday evening, no problems, BH. We went to a wedding Thursday night-- yes, crazy, perhaps, but this was a special one-- it was the daughter of the woman who's father's funeral I attended in NY.-- father buried one week, daughter married a week later.
I was running on pure adrenaline.
Friday I slept all day, woke for Shabbat dinner. Shabbat, slept all day. Sunday-today- I am up, but not on schedule yet. Lots of pain, but I'll be OK. Getting overwhelmed with Rosh Hashana coming up so soon!]

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OK- this entry started on the day I was leaving NY, last Wed, the 17th. I started writing it in my parent's kitchen, continued it on the plane, added the pictures here in Be'er Sheva, sent it out Sunday.

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The car service is coming in an hour to take me to JFK airport. It's a spectacularly beautiful day here in the little country town of Glen Head, a hop-skip-and-a-jump from Long Island Sound. It really is so beautiful around here. It rains frequently, and everything is so *lush* and green. Incredibly green- thick trees and bushes of every sort, moss on tree trunks, and all the streets are shadowed with thick, rich, tall trees. The air is sweet... the smells of cut grass, that sweet after-rain smell, and there is a fall nip in the air. Sounds like utopia, right? Sometimes it actually feels like that.

down the street from my parent's house

I didn't leave America because of discontent. Israel is 100% my home, I never have any doubts about it. I am fortunate in that I have a deep, loving appreciation for the wonderful attributes of each land.

my girlfriend and I rendezvoused at a gas station when we discovered that we were
talking on the phone to each other, a mere few meters away from each other!

I'm returning to Israel soon...  my flight leaves at 9pm tonight. It has been a *long* trip. I feel like I've been away for months.

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On the plane now.
Take off will be in about 20 minutes.
It is such a long haul to pack up and schlep everything! I was up most of last night, packing and organizing myself. OK, well, I'll be on this plane for the next 12 hours. So far, the middle seat to my right is free. It'd be awesome if it stays that way! I'm planning to sleep lots. It was a FULL, busy, fulfilling trip. The two highlights were the writer's conference, and the time I spent with my parents- quality *and* quantity. It has been a *long* time since we had that sort of uninterrupted time together. I am aware of the reality that we can't know when that may, or if it will, happen again.

I attended a funeral last week. It was the father of a dear friend of mine from Israel. My friend was brought up in NY. Her father passed away, and she flew out to NY the next day. I joined her at the funeral. It was strange to be with her in NY! We had never seen each other out of Israel. But it was good to be able to support her, and to be there.

Funerals in America are so different than they are in Israel. In Israel, people are buried in shroud cloths, no casket. When I was watching the funeral home director trying to direct the casket of my friend's father down into the grave, it was scary. It is so heavy, and the people holding it have to stand on planks which are placed across the grave, lowering it with the help of straps. Once it's in, then the grave diggers have to check if it is in properly, and in this case, the casket had to be repositioned. It seems so much smoother and easier when there is no casket involved. I don't know. I guess it's awful any way you do it.

Onto lighter subjects...
I saw many cousins whom I hadn't seen in ages. In Washington DC I stayed for a few days (including over a Shabbat) with one of my favorite cousins ever! Got to know her husband and daughter a bit better, too. I met with my first cousin on my mother's side, Dina, in Washington DC. I hadn't seen her in probably 27 years or so.

my first cousin Dina, me, and her mother (my aunt who I hardly ever knew!) Shula

 My other first cousins on my father's side, Lois & Ellen, I visited in NY. We had seen each other slightly more frequently, but not much.

My father, Ellen, me, Lois, my brother Peter

first cousins: Ellen, me  & Lois

 I also saw my Aunt Reva, who is in her 90's, may God give her strength and wherewithal for many more years!

My father, me, and his sister- my aunt Reva

OK, know what? I am so flippin exhausted, I need to sleep. The plane is still filling up, and take-off is in 10 minutes.

Oh, and the middle seat, next to me (I'm in the isle) has been taken. Oh well. No biggie.
Oh, I just remembered that I have to go put on my heavy pressure stockings. I should do that before we take off..

Then, I really think I'm just gonna put my computer away and go to sleep. Bye-

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OK, I just had a pretty decent sleep, thank Gd. Woke up two and a half hours before landing, which is good timing. I got a good walk around the cabin a few times. According to the amount of pain I had when I got myself up after sleeping, I could have used some more walking around the cabin.  I drank some tea, chatted with a woman in the next isle over to my left, traveling with her three kids. One is about one and a half. I *remember* traveling at different points over the past 15 years with kids that age, almost every trip.

So yeah, now that I'm a little less tired, I can say that this trip was a true blessing. It was just all good. Hard for me physically at many times, a few awful migraines and nights throwing up, but overall, I held up. The lymphoedema needs some serious draining massage, though. It's been in a constant state of discomfort and swelling. To be expected, I think. I am wearing the dreaded tight tight tight orthopedic tights on the flight now. You know, I timed it this time- putting them on in the tiny airplane bathroom- 20 minutes *just* putting them on. Bleh. Oh well, could always be worse!

There is one huge change that happened on this trip which adds an emotional dimension that I will never forget- I sold my old french horn. *NOT* the one I play usually (or played, to be exact), that one is in Israel. The one I sold is one that I played during the last years of University in Boston, and all throughout graduate school. I did play it my first years in the symphony in Israel, but it isn't in the style (sound-wise) of the horns that Israeli orchestras play.

Each city which has a symphony, in every part of the world, has it's own unique sound. In the wind sections especially, the goal of a homogeneous sound often entails a uniformity of the type of sound that the specific instrument produces. Each "brand" of instrument is known for it's different nuances in sound. There are horns with a small "bore" which means the diameter of the inner tubing is literally smaller than a large bore horn. This, of course, effects the timbre, or color of sound. The horn I sold is my Schmidt, small bore, nearly 100 years old. It's a very, very special horn. In Israel, large bore horns are more commonly played. Many years ago (13 or 14 years ago) I tried out a particular horn someone was selling in Israel, and fell in love with the ease of how it plays. I bought it with an interest-free loan that my orchestra gave me, which was really easy to pay off through my monthly paychecks. I then had two horns on my hands. I tried to sell my Schmidt in Israel, but since it is not a commonly played instrument on Israeli orchestras, it didn't sell. I then brought it to Boston so the dealer who I bought it from could try to sell it for me. It didn't sell in many years in his studio. It was so surprising because that is the horn that the players in Boston desire. After it was in his studio for a long time not selling, on a trip my parents had to Boston (it used to be a regular thing for them every summer to go to Tanglewood to hear the Boston Symphony), they went to his studio and brought it back to their house in NY, and advertised it there. Didn't budge. A few people played it over the years, but no bites. Even a collector of Schmidt's, a horn player in NY, who fell in love with my horn, told me he just can't buy it because he already has 20. But he praised that instrument up and down. He clearly understood it's unique beauty of sound and the special value of that particular instrument. Along came my first horn teacher, Mr. Moller. He also fell in love with the horn, but finances didn't permit him to buy it. Fixing the roof which had fallen in from a storm took precedence. Geez, can you imagine such an excuse? ;)

When I was returning for this present trip, I advertised the horn again, announcing the dates I will be there, and that it is still for sale if someone wants to come try it. Again a few emails with the guy who collects old Schmidt's, but he still couldn't swing adding one more horn to his menagerie. Lucky for me, because the long awaited phone call came from... my old horn teacher (he's not old, perse, but old meaning long ago in the scope of my life)! He was in a position to buy the horn, and was so happy to see the ad I placed, that it is still available. He came over a few days ago. It's always awesome to see him, a real childhood hero for me. Very special man. His encouragement, patience, and belief in me is what set me on course for my successful career. Well, with cash in hand, he checked out the wonderful instrument again, and made an offer... higher than what I was asking. I came back with a lower offer. It was an unusual, odd sort of haggling, but I wanted him to have the horn, and I couldn't see taking so much money from such a special person in my life. We agreed on something in the middle of his offer and my expectation. Unmarked bills exchanged hands (they are unmarked, right Mr. Moller? ;)), and my beautiful, special, antique horn went to the most wonderful person I could imagine playing it. I am deeply moved by this all, and yes, a little wistful. But, it is all the natural process of life.

well, "can't take it with you", as they say!

Here are pictures of the monumental tectonic shift:

Mr. Moller- may you play this horn with your natural vitality and health, and may it serve you as well as it served me all the years!!

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Well, we are now about to land! Should be in about 45 minutes or so. I'm almost home.

The trip was certainly memorable. My world shifted in many ways, both small and large. I just realized something- I actually lived all three of my careers on this trip. The writer's conference of course--

All the conference attendees!
I'm standing in the second row from the top, wearing white, about half way in...

then selling my horn and entering that world. I even used my doula skills. That was when I was trying as best as I knew how to encourage my mother in her physical therapy to stand. She did it- with the physical therapist and my father on either side holding her up so most of her weight wasn't on her, she, herself holding onto a walker with much of her weight, and me holding her around her middle in a big bear hug. She did it. She lasted about 20 seconds the first time, then after a rest had the courage to try a second time, for about 10 seconds. It hurt her all over, of course. Her body is quite atrophied from being bedridden for two and a half years already. But, she tried. The future is unknown, and the past is no longer ours, only the present is ours to use. That accomplishment, for my mother, was a very courageous use of her present moment. May you keep strong Mom, and remember- replace the phrase "I'm scared" with determination.

We're in a holding pattern now over Ben Gurion airport in Tel Aviv. Too many planes there at the moment for us to fly in. I heard there was a strike at the airport today.

I just may finish this blog post yet!

Mission accomplished regarding the tight tight tight lymphoedema stockings. It took about 15 minutes this time to take off. Putting on my "regular" pressure garment feels loose compared to those. Usually that one is tight and uncomfortably hot, but after the "flight tights" (hey, new nick name!) it's obscenely loose. :)  Oh, this is awesome- the captain just announced that we are cleared out of the holding pattern and are going to land soon! And I finished this entry. How inspirational.

Home. Be it ever so humble. I am yearning to feel my children's hugs, look into their eyes, and hear their voices and laughs.

And Robert, my love. You gave me a gift that is more valuable than you can know. You, yourself made my reservation, blessed me to go to the conference, and added much more time to spend with my aging parents. A true, selfless gift, from a true, selfless man. Thank you with all my heart.

A message in a dream

Things are so good. I mean *so good*.

Yesterday evening, Christine Kloser's daughter (Christine is the of the facilitator of the conference, and my teacher/mentor/guru woman) called her to say good night.

Christine Kloser

Christine held the phone up to all of us so we could all say good night to her daughter. After the room did that, I asked her if she'd like me to sing her daughter a Hebrew lullaby over the phone. Christine was all for it, so she brought me her phone, and a microphone, and I sang, with the whole room listening, what I sing to my kids every night- המלאך הגואל אותי- "hamalach hago'el oti", which is a blessing (from the Torah) saying that the angels of Hashem who have protected the children from evil should accompany them into the night. The translation isn't quite that, but it is a lullaby, and quite beautiful. I hadn't sang it to my kids in a week and a half, and it obviously needed to get out of me. It was a beautiful moment.

Aside from that, I have been speaking, in the microphone to the whole room, a few times. It is really good for me, and people are very responsive! I am getting such positive feedback here, it blows me away. I am considering putting myself "out there" for public speaking; for inspirational speaking. I am beginning to see I can contribute and serve that way.

My book is being shaped and worked. "Honed", one might say. The biggest breakthrough has been regarding the message that the book will deliver. All books need a message. Blogs don't. This breakthrough was *tremendous* for me. I understand my book on a much deeper level now. The message that came to me (on the *first day*, mind you) rides on a dream I had while I was heavily sedated in the hospital when I had NF. It was probably the most beautiful dream I have ever had in my life. Until now, I had thought of that dream simply as a blessing from God, the gift of beauty in the midst of sorrow and horrific pain. I held onto that dream, it was incredibly powerful for me. I'm not sure if I wrote a blog about it or not, I have to go looking into the archives. That dream came to me here, at this conference, as the invitation for the message of my book. I don't want to say more, it needs to be only in the book. But it is BIG. Primordial. Never underestimate the power of a dream. I have been so light, and happy since this came to me. I am in awe. I tell you, the room that we are in for the conference is *fertile*. An entire lush garden would grow there with just one small seed and a bit of water. The light is there already.

can't tell by looking at it, but the energy in this room is magnificent.

The people I am with are extraordinary people. I am quite sure some of them are reading this. Hi, guys! XO

My life as a writer has grown here. The promotional aspects of being an author have also grown, and I have a clear plan for how that is going to go. Christine, the facilitator/mentor/guru (with a small "g"), would not let us out of there without a clear plan. And resources galore!

She is phenomenal. I'm so happy my intuition didn't fail me with this one. Money and time well spent.

I am going back to NY tomorrow, but not until I hop around Baltimore a little before catching my train back. Going down to the "inner harbor" for a tiny amount of tourist time.

Back home on Wednesday (the 17th). I miss my kids and husband SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!
The time difference, and the conference have made it really hard to call and hear their voices. I skipped out of the afternoon session a bit today because I couldn't bear another day going by without hearing their voices. I got what I hoped for. :)

There have been a few times that I was so tired that I had to nap and miss part of a seminar, and once that I slept late by accident- I thought the alarm was on "snooze", but I had inadvertently turned it off... but I really needed it. Pain has been difficult; I need to get lymphatic draining big time when I get back. As well as the lymphoedema, both my hip joints have suffered from sitting in the chairs so much of the day. But overall, I am making it. The inspiration I have gotten here is outweighing just about everything.

OK, gotta go. I'm headed back to the convention hotel for the evening's entertainment. The seminars are over as of this afternoon, but tonight there is musical entertainment which I am looking forward to enjoying!

One request- if you know Robert, send him an email or give him a call to bolster his strength. What he is doing for me is not easy, and he is very tired. I love him very deeply for giving this to me- it is the opportunity of a lifetime; partly because I can be with my parents "solo", and partly because of this phenomenal conference. So, let him know he's awesome. And maybe send over dinner if you can so he doesn't have to think about what to make for the kids one day. Got a car and some time one afternoon? Shifra probably has ballet (4X/week)... maybe offer to take her? Thanks. :)

Signing off for now. I hope some of my light has reached you through this portal today. 'Cuz I'm a-glowing. :)