An update from hibernation

The wind and rain has been so cold, and the sun rarely warming anything during the day. I have been taking the opportunity to hibernate. I am so cold, always. I wear three layers to everyone else's one or two. I put the heater on, but it takes too long to warm the rooms. I've always been more of a summer/heat/beach person.

I'm stying right in here, thank you very much.

But you didn't come here to read about the weather in Be'er Sheva. I just don't know how to start writing. I'm going for calmness, equilibrium, and quiet spaces. Things have been possible lately. I say it that way because during the time period that Sabrina was getting sicker and passing away, things were impossible on every level. I stepped away from everything after she died... well, after my father (who had pneumonia) left after she died.... well, after Ya'akov's hernia surgery after she died.... you get my drift. No more drama. I almost couldn't bear to see the hospital any more. My soul needs calming. It's been through so, so much. So I think I am able to give it calming now. I am able to step away from, or avoid loudness, or take it in small quantities if I am up to it. Like shopping with my 14 year old girl. The stores today's girls want to go into... makes me crazy with the loud music and perfumed air. She knows I have a half-hour limit there. I'm so old. :)

I am sorry to report that I am in pain all the time... again.

That hip surgery I had October 2015? It's effects are gone. Osteo-arthritis in full bloom. Very painful, practically every step. I have been following a low-inflammation diet, taking cartilage supplements, and... it's back anyway. At the time my orthopedist said he didn't know how much time be "bought" me before needing a hip replacement, but now we know.

Thing is... hip replacement surgery? Now?

Next month I finally have my appointment with the throat/swallow guru of the country to finally [hopefully] correct my dislocated cartilage in my throat from that last surgery. I have waited six months to see this guy, my throat clicking away with each and every swallow.

Now I need to do another surgery, and intubation, and all the pain of recovery and physical therapy and no driving and and and and and??? (actually driving is already getting hard for me... I feel it creeping into my life- cutting out quality of life things because of pain. I've been here before too many times.)

I can wait, it's not an emergency, of course. The arthritis gets worse, but not that quickly. But I know I will not go on pain meds, so I don't have much to rely on as this is worsening. I just am doing less. Even playing ping-pong with Azriel kills my hip, and that's really not so strenuous. But he's so cute and loves it so much, I hate {{again}} having to say no to him because of my physical or emotional shortcomings at any given time. The kid barely ever knew me not sick.... or I should say, as strong as I was before I got sick in 2007.

Shabbat is approaching. I'm glad I got to write a bit... thanks for hanging in there with me.

Love from cold and rainy (and hail-y!!) Be'er Sheva.

More on mourning: not for the faint of heart

The thing about doing the split-personality charade is that there comes a time that you just can't do it anymore.

There is just Too Much Heaviness in my life to "put on a happy face". I can't. I'm mourning. It's so heavy, I can hardly bear it. But yet, I am bearing it. My friend and spiritual healer Miriam Maslin says that I have gone through worse. I can remember being in worse situations, but the edge wears off. Hashem protects us from recalling that edge as time wears on.

I am on the edge of crying, or am deeply crying every day. I didn't know how hard this was going to land. I'm of course talking abut my friend Sabrina's passing. I think, also, because my father was here when she passed away, I had to stash my feelings away for the time he was here so I could be with him. Oh, and he was sick with pneumonia. Then, the day after he left, we went away for a Shabbat for a batMitzvah of the daughter of close friends... and I locked up my mourning box for that, too, of course. I can't charade anymore, though. I'm not really making it by faking it. Not for this.

This is paraphrased from a letter I wrote to my friend/spiritual healer:

I miss Sabrina so much. We were very connected, and she was in my thoughts all the time. All the time. I visited with Tessa the other day, that was great. I saw Sabrina's necklace on her, and I could barely keep myself together for her. I took that necklace (along with her other jewelry as well) off of Sabrina after she died. I told Tessa I took the necklace off her mommy. She was excited about that, but then asked me why I didn't let her do it. Ummm, ya. 

Sabrina was such a complicated person, and could be thorny sometimes. I stayed with her because of my own commitment to myself that I won't leave her alone no matter what, but she sometimes seemed to push people away. Still, she was so funny, and so real. I was intertwined with her, enmeshed with all she went through. And I understood all her intricate medical problems, and saw them all-- infinitely worse than mine. There is a huge hole in my life. It hurts so much. Even though we both knew she was dying, knowledge doesn't soothe emotions. I didn't expect to crash so hard. I'm sure it doesn't help that I am also mourning my mom who passed away six months ago, as well. Actually, there are some connections there........

I need to live, though. I need to get out of bed, I need to get back to the gym, I need to live. I don't feel that life force running through my veins these days. I feel either hurting, or numb. I just don't want to do anything. Yes, that explains how I feel- the life force is quieted. I hesitate to say any stronger word than quieted.

I plan on having a few sessions with my former therapist again. Although not much can be done about mourning except to go through it. You just have to do it. Like most things in my life, though, when it hits, it hits HARD. I feel crushed under the weight.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

All day today I spent preparing my son Ya'akov (16) for his hernia surgery tomorrow. We had the appointment at the hospital for the pre-surgery check-up, and all day he was asking me questions about what to expect. I have to balance my answers with equal measures of "don't worry, it really is small, and very different than my hernia surgery", and "yes, it will hurt when you wake up, you may be nauseous or throw up, I understand you are scared...." I can explain all aspects of going under anesthesia, what it looks like, feels like, everything. Rationally, with extensive knowledge, I hope my preparations ease his mind and not the opposite.

Under the layer of the words I am telling him, I wonder if he knows I am Very Scared about this. He's joking that he will die tomorrow (you have to know Ya'akov to understand his joking). He saw me go through the Flesh Eating Bacteria after my hernia surgery, he saw the countless complications and surgeries thereafter... the lawsuit... my health decline. I am trying to be strong for him, but I crumpled in Robert's arms the other day because I am so scared about putting him through this.

Tomorrow (Thursday the 12th) at 4pm Israel time. 

Ya'akov Ariel ben Sarah Rachel. 

Thanks.

Oh, and did I mention I am barely sleeping? Seems the sleeping pills no longer work on me. It's a whole other post actually. Pretty awful. Makes pain much harder to tolerate.

Yeah, things kinda suck.
But only with the existence of dark can light be known... I'm trying to be patient.