Rosh Hashana 5777. About shofar, gratitude, and optimism.

It's that time of year! The high holidays are upon us. We just ended Rosh Hashana here in the holy land, and it was lovely.

The calling of the shofar was loud and clear: It broke into my praying saying to me "wake up", it said "time to cry", it said "break", it said "come together with tremendous strength", it said "LISTEN", it told me that we need to come together as a nation. The shofar blows are sometimes long, sometimes in long-ish broken sets, sometimes in short broken sets, and a few very long. God has many, many ways of getting our attention. In these days of ADD and whatnot, we need all the help we can get!!

I prayed a lot for life itself. I prayed for my husband's life, for my children's lives, and for my father. I entertained memories of my mother, daydreaming in my seat there in shul. I remembered the smell of her perfume when she got dressed up for synagogue on the holidays.

I prayed for the life of my friend who is fighting tremendous physical ailments, and is very sick. I prayed for her daughter. I prayed for my own strength of body and soul to be there for both of them.

Lots of the time I was just talking to Gd. I was in dialogue.
The shofar was at once a huge call for our nation to be strong in unity, and also it sometimes sounded like Gd crying for all that we are dealing with down here.

I feel that us Kleins are on a good path as the year starts out. The children are all in good places physically and emotionally.

I am optimistic that my personal path to health is also getting easier, with the help of Gd.
A little rundown of my varying situations would go like this:

• Steadily going off Lamictal. It has been very challenging at times (which is why I have written less recently, the withdrawal from this medicine is really nasty), but I'm getting there. I was on 150 mg's, now down to 10... but many websites say the last 10 are the hardest. I've been on it for nine years.
• lymph edema is unfortunately back with a vengeance. The pressure garment is no longer helpful. It's very sore and swollen where the lymph nodes were removed because of NF. I have to go back to lymphatic draining sessions. On the one hand, I know that the treatments will help, I've done them on and off over the years since I've had NF. On the other hand, I am not looking forward to them because it eats so much time from my day. Going to the physical therapy building, finding parking, a 50-minute session, driving home again (or to wherever), it is a two hour affair when all is said and done. Yet another reason I cannot work.
• headaches still about twice a week, but can be treated with Excedrin or Advil and it usually works.
• throat click problem still there and still very bothersome, I just don't write about it because it looks like there may be nothing that can be done about it. (this is the complication after having last year's surgery, the intubation tube caused a dislocation of something minuscule in my throat and I get a click in my head, which is palpable to anyone who puts their finger there, each and every swallow). I went to a specialist a few weeks ago, and he suggest another specialist who has a months-long appointment list. I took an appointment with specialist #2, but it's in March. Whatever. It's a big annoyance, but since it's not dangerous, and doesn't cause pain, it doesn't get priority.
• hips functioning well, very minimal pain usually.
• I need a knee MRI, praying for no PVNS.
• tingling in right leg, and numbness in right foot when I wake up in the morning. Have no idea of anything about what is causing it. I was hoping the surgery last year would take away the tingling, but it didn't.
• Gapey hasn't been doing so well. That is the wound/skin graft/mesh site where I had NF. I have had a consistent pain nearby (above the site, in my upper belly), and I am thinking it may be a high hernia, hoping it's not an ulcer or something.

Anyway, overall that laundry list is much less serious than it used to be. I am very, very grateful for that.

Things are pretty good. I have so, so, so much to be grateful for.

My little guy, Azriel, just turned 11 last week. Dovie is almost 18 (O. M. G.), Ya'akov is 16, and Shifra is 13 (although she is always sure to tell her age as "almost 14".) They are the lights of my life, the blood that runs through my veins. And Robert, well, he is the glue of this family. The stronghold.

Gratitude.

Thank you, Gd, for the gifts, and the lessons learned in the hardhsips.

May all my readers who are celebrating the Jewish new year have a year of health, strength, and an abundance of love.

(and may I finish my book this year! It is going well!!)

A view into my mind

One way I get through the constant drone of pain I have is to remember that people have persevered through all sorts of orthopedic and medical problems and have achieved great things. For instance- the Ethiopian Jews who walked-- walked-- across Ethiopia to reach Israel. When I came here in 1995, I had a free ticket, and a borrowed $1000 which was meant to last, hopefully, until I got a paycheck from some orchestra. (thanks, LD. You'll never know how much that meant to me). That's it. Just got on a plane with my free ticket (paid for by the youth orchestra I was teaching at the time. They went on tour to Israel. They left after two weeks, I stayed). Two weeks later, when the youth orchestra left, I played auditions for orchestras all over Israel, and indeed got that first paycheck just as the $1000 was running out.

Some Ethiopians had the opportunity to get on a plane in Addis Ababa, but needed to walk to the capital city from their village, no matter how far. I'm quite sure they had to deal with all sorts of joint and pain problems, you know?

Sometimes the mindful act of remembering that can humble me enough to be able to put the constant drone of pain on the back burner. I will be able to have at least one source of pain taken care of pretty soon. (I hope). Sometimes I long for the [much lower] level of pain I had while on Fentanyl... but that longing gets squelched when I return to logic and remember why I went off the Fentanyl. I wonder if all chronic pain sufferers have this constant inner dialogue...

Can you believe I forgot to tell the new orthopedist that I have tingling down my leg to my foot (right side)? I just forgot to tell him. My story is so complicated with shunts of all sorts of side-issues, that it is hard to focus on the today when I also have to fill-in a new doctor with all my history. I think I was just about to tell him about it when he was doing the physical exam, and he saw the pressure garment I wear, and I had to explain the lymph-edema issue, which distracted me. The tingling sensation is actually sometimes more annoying than the pain. Sometimes it feels cold, like in a confused-nerve sort of way. The pain is pretty localized, but the tingling thing is down to my foot. I can't get comfortable.

Anyway, enough complaining.

My friend in the ICU in Soroka still needs your prayers: Shoshana Chaya bat Bassie. She is in about the same condition, still sedated and on a respirator, still with a fever of unknown origin. Today marks three weeks. Her five-year-old daughter is well-adjusted and doing very well, thank Gd, but she wants to see her mommy. Please keep them both in your prayers.

Shifra holding my friend's daughter, beach in Ashkelon, last week
(Azriel heading toward them in the distance on the right)

This day of fasting (called Tisha B'av) is almost over. I have been fasting now for a bit more than 24 hours. It has been a difficult, but meaningful fast for me. May the power of communal prayer and fasting not only impact the future of Am Yisrael as a people and a nation, but also heal the ill and infirmed among us.

Sarah Rachel bat Tova