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| a Pomegranate beginning to grow on our tree in the back yard. Life renews itself. |
It always jumps up and bites me in the behind. I may not even be thinking about it in any meaningful way. The thoughts are those which pass through one's head, leaving behind them "oh yeah, isn't that interesting".
My emotions remember what my intellect won't uncover.
I have been utterly depressed today, crying on and off all day. Yesterday (Shabbat) I had a migraine and slept all day (and all night).
Why today?, some of you who are new to my life may ask.
Today is Lag B'omer, the day, seven years ago, that I woke up from my coma.
To many of you it would seem that this should be a happy day. Logially, It is a day of renewal, of re-life, as you will. A day of second chances and re-birth.
Well, it is all that, but for some unexplainable reason, it is a day of depression and tears for me, no matter what is going on in my real life that day.
What *is* going on in my real life happens to also be hard and sad, dealing with a child of mine who very much needs.... needs.... well, if I knew that, he wouldn't need it.
Why the tears? If I could ask my innermost secret chambers of memories, then I'd know. But I do understand, on some level.
This thing that happened to me 7 years ago, it completely changed my life, such that it has become my identity. Yes, it is my identity. People tell me to not look at it that way, that that is not how *they* see me, and that it is not my whole identity.
But it is. For me. It is my reality. And that is OK. God made my life, and I love Him for it, no matter what suffering I go through. Sometimes suffering feels like God is playing "favorites"; like He chose you because you have a huge potential.
I am trying to fortify myself for surgery in a few weeks, and so far I feel anything but fortified. I have gotten stuff done, but today it all came to a complete stop. No crash, no notification, just a stop in my life. Today.
You see, along with waking up from the coma, at about the same time frame, I also found out what happened to me, and what state I was in. I woke up not being able to lift a finger, no matter how much my brain willed it to move.
My emotional imprint is forever changed by having gone through Necrotizing Fasciitis, and everything thereafter.
I just need to be held today.
Robert just took the kids to our yearly bonfire for Lag B'omer. I am alone. I can't put on the happy face today.
He has to take them, he has to be the one, the one who keeps life pulsing, when I cannot.
the planting project got finished on Friday, and it came out beautifully:
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| first you pick up a bed box off the street... |
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| then ya rip off the upholstery and paint it... |
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| plant some of your favorite herbs and veggies |
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| each of those little markers show where I planted melon seeds |
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| proof that I actually did it. |
I also baked challot on Friday, and vacuumed my [very large] room. by Shabbat, though, I literally could not walk anymore. Filing project next. Should be easier on my body.)
