Monday, October 13, 2008

Succot 2008

Two day leave... isn't that what they call it in the army? That's what I have now. I'm at home until after the chag (holiday) of Succot. And, of course, Robert came down with a flu which started last night and came on stronger this morning. It scared me to come home to a household which was going to be in need of straightening up, children who need what children need, this holiday which needs to have a "Succah" constructed properly, and food cooked. And an ill husband.

It is going OK, but not easy. I am trying to take care of myself, but it isn't so simple, especially because I didn't really get that much therapy type of help this week. This particular week was pretty slow at the hospital because of a skeleton staff; many people take vacation time during the holidays. But it was actually good for me that way; I got a *lot* of quiet and slowing down. I had a few very important first time experiences. The most striking one for me was what I have termed as "free resting". I am quite sure it's the first time *ever* that I got to lay down to rest (without the burden of physical illness) and not have my wheels spin with guilt, or about needing to do 12 things instead of this resting. Guilt means I should be with the kids instead of resting, I should be making dinner, or any of the other hundred miryad things that I need to do.

I am going back to the hospital on Wednesday to start my treatments. They have recommended a treatment plan for me which is apparently very successful with PTSD patients. It is a type of biofeedback that uses magnetic fields. It is a simple process of one electrode stuck onto the head, while the person is completely awake and in a normal, relaxed state. (normal & relaxed.... oxymoron?) There is a machine that administers the biofeedback through the electrode, and the patient apparently doesn't feel anything. I'm interested to see how it goes. It'll be another week at least, maybe two, that I'll be there.

I am so sure it was the right decision for me. I couldn't keep going on the way I was. It got to a point that the only choice was to get help. There are, of course, personal things that were happening that I can't write publicly about, but both Robert, myself, and my therapist supported (actually my therapist suggested it) this at this time. It's hard for Robert, he's lonely and holding the responsibilities.

I pray I'll get the treatment & tools I need. I appreciate any & all prayers from you all out there, too! Thanks!!

I have more to write, but I'm out of time. Gotta bring in the Chag and light candles.

May this Succot show us all trust in the real shelter and protection from Hashem.

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