Sunday, December 28, 2008

Wish list to G-d, and a thank-you note of sorts

There really a lot of good that has come out of this new post- nf life. I know I complain a lot... that's not the good part, but I am really getting what I am supposed to learn here.
For one thing, I no longer multi-task. I can't even stay on the phone while doing something else, it just bothers me. I refuse to let two people talk to me at once. I keep trying to build quiet into my life, and doing too many things at once is just out of the question. That includes working at my profession(s). I am happy not to be working, I am happy to have that pressure off. But wouldn't anyone... really? But for me, when I think about working, my mind just gets overheated and I spin around like in "The Excorcist". :-)

So, I'm not working. I get some money from the State for disability, and I'm not working. When people ask me if I'm working, and I say not presently, I often get this look from them like saying "what a pity this all is.... you can't work...etc". I look at it as a chance for a quieter life. And with 4 small children, that is the biggest gift (besides health) that Gd can give me, as far as I'm concerned. Yes, I need it, I went through a hellish experience of which I am still sorting out the fallout. But this is a gift that came from it.

I am also a better mommy. I don't yell, and when I know my patience is running thin, I now know to call back up- either Robert, or our babysitter who comes 5 afternoons a week. I am learining, after this long year & a half, that it's better to accept help (from the State, from the babysitter, from whomever offers) than to push myself to prove something intangible to myself. What is tangible is seeing my kids, and how they've changed so much, and how they are so happy and well adjusted. This wasn't so clearly the case before I got sick. I am better since my illness, and so they are, too.

If/when I return to the working world (as a doula, and maybe as an orchestra musician), it'll be because I'm ready, not because I have anything to prove to anyone.... not the least of which, myself.

Having said that, I want to say for the record that ...I want it all.
I want to be out of regular pain.
I want to recover emotionally, and not think about nf and have so many flashbacks all the time.
[The other day I remembered so vividly the feeling of having my sheets changed while I was in the ICU. I couldn't move my own body all, except for my head. They roll you from side to side, and change the sheets one side at a time, putting on the clean one at the same time as taking off the old one. I remembered the terror in me that came when they had to roll me on my left side to change the sheet. I would tell them I don't care, keep the same sheet on, it hurts too much to be moved like that. But they had to change it; open wounds are gross and have to be cleaned up after. Anyway, I digress... sorry, I shared a bit of "flashback of the day, brought to you by Sarah's head"]

And, I want.... did I say already be out of pain? I think that would help extaordinarily here. But I may wind up on deciding on the surgery, for quality of life, if it ultamately means that I can go on and no longer have pain & discomfort. Operative word here is... if. And if I do that, there is more recovery. But if I don't, I may have to deal with scar tissue and bursitis, and pressure garments for ever.

And, I want to be off the pills. All of 'em. In time.

Anyway, this is all up to Gd. Do I really think I am powerful enough to navigate this stuff? He's brought me these tremendous gifts so far, I think I'll stick with the Gd plan. I get it.

1 comment :

  1. Just sent an email asking how everyone is this evening. I just read your most recent posts. I know that your life is still intense, and yet you see the strong positives.