Wanting life, above anything else

It's just amazing how much the whole "having a diagnosis" thing has helped my mood. It doesn't change anything physically (yet), but I feel so much more optimistic. I know I wrote that before, but I am really just enjoying this "lightness of being" (bearable lightness of being; lasting; not unbearable... for those of you who don't know the reference, it is here... I read this book long ago, thought it was brilliant. Now I realize how un-Jewish it is, and how I think and live so differently. B"H).

I was talking to a friend yesterday, telling her how I want to continue at some point in the near future to do the reconstruction surgery, after this current situation with the mass (cyst, tumor, whatever you want to call it) is resolved. She was so surprised to hear me say that because I was so adamantly against it and scared for all this time, until recently. We discussed this time frame; that being between a year & a half- two years after the original trauma. What is interesting is that it is the same mechanism of the mind/body relationship that allows women to ever birth again after the first time. The memory of the pain fades somehow (not the *idea*, but the memory) and what is left is the desire to add to life, above anything else. That's when many of us start feeling "that time" again... the discussions about having another baby.

That's kind of where I'm at. I had a very traumatic experience, and with nothing happy coming out of it immediately, unlike having a baby. It took this time period (a year + 10 months) to awaken the desire to add to life, above anything else. The reconstruction surgery will, please Gd, help me feel whole again (and not 'hole'... hahaha! I know, I'm a little twisted actually). I hope to write more about that as the reality actually can take on a life of it's own, but at this point I am focussing on 'the blob' exision.

Anyway, I feel so good. My kids, thank Gd are doing great. We had a surprise guest come last night, and immediately Dov made her dinner(!), and started making the guest bed. I had to help him; those 'puch' covers (duvet, blanket slip covers) can be tricky. Shifra came excitedly down to see our guest. My little sweetie was dripping wet out of the bath with only a towel around her. Everyone was so happy. Know what? They... we... are doing good.

I have been thinking very introspectively about the specific nature of my whole history of this disease. First, a deadly bacteria which eats a person from the inside out, then a tumor of some sort that is inside, causing pain and needs to be removed. I know my body is showing me that I am internalizng an infectious, and ultimately deadly pain of the soul. If I don't address it and 'excise' it, it will kill me, quite possibly literally. I have a good therapist now. I'm going to be OK.
This depth of understanding is going to help me regain my health. I am on a good path. Please Gd, continue to guide me. You got my attention. I am listening.