Tuesday, March 3, 2009

today was a really hard day

So tired.
Today I felt like giving up on determination, to just make peace with my pain and not talk about it anymore.

The energy it takes to make calls, get the MRI delivered to the next specialists' office, get the proper referral papers for the appointments, traveling... I just am losing the perspective on *why* exactly I have to do this? I can live with pain. Many people have to, don't they.

I told Robert this. He said he will take over organizing medical help for me. He thinks it'd be a bad thing to ignore these tumors. I gave him all the phone numbers and told him where things stand. Not that he's got any free time to do this, mind you.

I, personally, am not sure which is worse; to ignore the tumors and take my chances (ie: live and/ or die with the pain) or, be even more of a burden than I already am on Robert and the family (no denying that, it's our reality) in my pursuit of pain-free health, and the hope of longevity. Sarah's choice.

I was feeling particularly defeated and upset today. Upset at how much this whole saga has taken from my life as a wife and mother.

Today was a really hard day.

It's over.
Happy birthday to me, 41 years old.

[by the way, for added birthday fun, I went to the dermatologist today. He is quite sure I don't have a fungal infection on the graft, but rather a bacterial infection. He gave me a cream with an antibiotic in it as well as an anti-fungal ingredient. He was fascinated. So happy to have made his day. I *gotta* start charging admission!!]


  1. With all you've been through I just think you're going to have days where you don't feel hope. It is so not fair that you have to work so hard to get the medical community to help you. It will be worth it in the long run.

    Keep trying to sleep and rest. You've had some really stressful things happening lately and it's taking a toll on your body. It will get better again. Really!

  2. Thank G-d you still have your sense of humor!! Making the day for a doctor is quite an accomplishment you must admit!!!
    Happy birthday.
    luv ya

  3. Sarah,
    Just wanted to remind you that we love you, funky body and all, and we *love* your sense of humor. No giving up now or ever. Oh wow, you see, you've just convince me I don't need that extra chocolate. Or maybe I do...

    Coffee date still on for your birthday for when you feel up to it!!!

    Love, Miriam