Today's report

I don't feel like I can sort out my words just yet, but I'll try to get something down. I just had a draining and difficult day. I went to Ichilov hospital to meet the orthopedic oncologist.

The long and short of it is that I don't need an orthopedic oncologist. He was quite sure I don't need any sort of orthopedist. After looking at my MRI, he quickly and emphatically said that there are no tumors. There are inflamed areas which cause pain. The word he used to describe what he saw on my MRI was "violence"; that many ragged, distorted, and inflamed areas can be seen. Any of these areas can certainly cause pain. But in his opinion, surgery isn't an option to fix it. That's a good thing, I know, but it takes away the hope of a clear problem with a clear solution.

He asked to keep the MRI disk to consult with a colleague. [I can obtain another copy or get this one back if I want.] I have heard of this colleague; he is well known for his expertise in MRI reading.

His recommendation was go to a pain clinic to investigate how they can help me (here at Soroka). They are specialists in nerve problems, chronic inflammation problems, and the like. There are options like nerve blockers, and who knows what else. Therapeutic marijuana, anyone? ;-) ...also I should go for physical therapy; my muscles are atrophying in my left thigh (also seen on MRI).

I told him that I have felt the same pain, in the same swollen place for over a year now, and it gets increasingly worse. I said that it is not random pain, it is specific and constant. He said "I'm sorry to tell you that some people have it their whole lives when something this 'violent' happens". I had to hold back the tears at that point; the prospect of a life of chronic pain. I know it isn't necessarily a life sentence... but it also isn't the answer I was hoping for.

Then Rivka and I went out into the lovely, comfortable lobby, and I cried.

We were still sitting there in the lobby, me being all puffy-eyed, and the elevator door opens. Who is standing in the doorway of the elevator going up? Professor Gur; plastic surgeon who hopefully will do my reconstruction surgery. My closure... there he was, we recognized each other, he smiled with his whole face, I waved, then the door closed. We took it as a good sign.

I am depleted of all energies; physical, emotional and spiritual. I feel like I can't go on in the search for 'pain-free health'. Right now I feel like I can't go on with anything except putting myself to sleep. I am going to do just that. It's 8:30pm, and... good night.