Up comes the issue of work. I know this is revisited already a few times, but I'm at a juncture again. I am nary getting over a bad ear infection, and I can't figure out how much work, which work to take, if to work, or if I should just stay clear of committments until my reconstruction surgery is complete. That could be 6 or 7 months, or even a year. I have no idea of the time line at the moment.
Robert is working soooo hard, practically every minute of the day is for work. He has two jobs, and he is always concientiously working at one or the other. The work with the computer company can be done always, and they always have more work to send him.
Point is, if I went back to work, the burden would be less on him.
I miss him, and miss the ability to have conversations with him. He is completely absorbed in parnasa (income), and has nothing to give. And, is also, I imagine, quite burdened by me. And he is always tired. He works late into the night; 2 or 3 is normal for him. Then he gets the kids up and out every morning.
I am crying now, this is such a hard issue for me. I feel like I am taking too much, and maybe I don't really need this time to recover. I mean, I have my body, it works, I am not sick (except sporadically). I have pain, almost always, but it doesn't debilitate me. I am able to work. But these other voices tell me to recover, to take this time and recover.
Still other voices say I'll have the surgery when I have it. Why wait to work?
I am revisiting the idea of playing in the orchestra. After listening to Beethoven's 9th last night, I was struck with amazing inspiration... "I *do* this! I do miss playing good music... but not necessarily work in the Be'er Sheva Sinfonietta. I can pick it up again whenever I want. At least, I believe this to be true.
I have been asked to do more volunteering with the Sudanese refugees (not an income, but a committment). Also, I can take on more private clients, and commit to being at their births. At the moment, I do one or two couples or so a month for the birth prep course. No births- too much pressure, physical & emotional.
When do I decide when I have it to give? How much does Robert run himself into the ground (tears coming again) for the greater good of giving me time to recover? Meantime, he is lost. To me, anyway. That's how it feels. And it's not clear to me if me going back to work will solve this problem.
I feel so confused and ambivalent about this all.
It is so hard for me to say "no" to these jobs that are knocking on my door. I am choosing not to go to Arad this afternoon, to the Sudanese refugees pre-natals. (volunteer) It wasn't an easy decision. In the end, my throat and ear still hurt, the antibiotics make me feel weak, and I decided not to go. But I feel guilty and it all comes with such difficulty.
I want normal life back. How do I get that? I should go back to work for this goal? I am still collecting disability, and will until things change, and I am more recovered. That seems very clear to y'all, that it's defined for me, should be clear.
But, it's not.
I walk, I drive, I have two highly skilled professions to offer, and am of sound mind.
But somehow the picture isn't clear. It's just not.
FWIW -- I have cut down my volunteer work practically to nothing.
ReplyDeleteI still volunteer, but MUCH less.
Every time I want to add something to my schedule I force myself to ask what is the cost to my family.
I do not have the LUXURY of volunteering for any major projects. IMHO, neither do you.
While it is important to find venues to continue giving to others, it is equally important to remember that our resources are EXTREMELY limited.
If you need to help others in a bigger way, then working as a dula is probably your best option at this time. The very nature of the work is helping others. At the same time, you also help your family by adding valuable income and removing some of the financial burden from your partner. Not to mention freeing up some of his time for both you and your kids.
I understand all too well the desire, and need, to help others. There is not a day that goes by without a reminder that I can no longer contribute to society the way I once did. But all that means is that I have to be creative and find other ways....
That said, it is important to recognize your limitations and not push yourself forward too hard or too fast.
Your family needs you.
Thank you, RivkA. My family needs me. That's what I'm giving, and better than I ever used to give it. The quality is so much better, if not quantity. My kids trust me, and I feel it. It is new, and a gift that came from not working so much. When I do work a lot (since the NF), I have often wound up in some sort of hospitalization. Thank you for your clarity of "inyan". You are so good at that.
ReplyDeleteThe first thing I say is to pray and then be still so you can hear what his answer is.
ReplyDeleteThe second is to talk to your dh. Ask him what would his top three "breaks" be. Kind of what are the things he would like to see changed if possible and are they ones that line up with what you can do.
Have you tried to brainstorm as a family as to what some options are that would reduce stress or give more time to the family maybe in ways you haven't even though of?
This is such a tough question. There will be no short and easy answer.
I like that, Sandra- the question about what would be his top three "breaks" to reduce pressure. Dialogue, what a concept. The other night I asked him if he'd like to see me go back to orchestra work again, and he said "I'd support any decision you make". But, that wasn't an answer to the question. It is too much of a confrontational question, I think. I like your suggestion. Thanks.
ReplyDelete