The children's concerts went off without a hitch this morning. It is like riding a bike; I pick up my horn after many months of not touching it, and off we go. I missed a bit in the music, and I think it was because of lack of confidence. It takes a lot of confidence to play horn, missed notes happen easier than any instrument in the orchestra. So, after 5 months of not playing (although I practiced at home for an hour just the day before), I was a bit timid to muster up confidence. Even though, my partner asked me for a list of other dates to play, but I didn't commit to any of them as of yet. I still feel like my resources are pretty limited. I want to give myself more time to heal, I am still in pain! (but the scary voice in me says but what if you will *always* be in pain!?) I am still not so great at saying "no" to work opportunities. Many reasons for that.
About the letters from my NF list; more flowed in after I posted those few. It is such an amazing resource. But so hard, too. A few women got NF after their Cesarean births. That means their trauma date is inextricably tied to their child's birthday.
What is so powerful about surviving NF? I don't know, I think I don't understand it, myself. But it changed my life, and I am still trying to find my way back to myself.
I got a burn on my arm from splattering hot cooking oil the other day, and today the blisters broke. I am acutely aware of the constant background program operating in my head that says "you may wind up dying from this, or loosing your arm by next week". If that thought process was a computer program we were talking about, running constantly in the background, that computer would most likely be crashing every few minutes.
That is just one small way it changed my life. As much as I go on with daily life and don't usually give voice to this kind of thinking, it strangles me inside. I have these thoughts many, many times a day. I *always* wonder if I'll wake up sick tomorrow. That is just how it is. I am waiting for that to pass, with Gd's help.
I am still trying to find my way back to myself.
Maybe you need to say things out loud more often. Things that strangle you inside can have a more devastating effect if left there...get them out, it could help you. I know it helps me to give voice to the worst I can come up with...
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