Conversations with the soul... continued into the night.

(This is the second post from the same night, Saturday night. For the first one, scroll down.)

This writing comes from depths and from tears. I need to write.

I am 41 years old and miss being in life.

I miss being in my childrens' lives more fully, and I miss being in my career areas... at all. I actually really want to play music. Today I heard of a concert that is the type I would just loved to have played in. Old professional friends who played, whom I haven't seen since my early aliyah days.

This disease, these diseases..... because the second one is complicated by the first one.... my fear is that they will follow me for the rest of my life. Normal life as we know it, changed permanently from age 39.

I am seriously thinking about total hip replacement. It may be the only way to eradicate this disease permanently. Think about it- I know it is radical- but here's my thinking: First of all, you get rid of all the synovial problems in one fell swoop, no recurrence threat constantly lurking. I'd have new cartlidge (man made, but maybe in this case that is better) to replace that which is diseased now. That is the goal here, so I can go on with my life, fully. New hips today are so much better than they used to be, there are so many success stories which I have personally heard of. It's kind of like the feeling I'd get when I thought that the reconstruction surgery would help me put this all behind me. Reconstruction is no longer an option. OK, but I'll settle for the best way, however radical, to assure this disease will no longer hang around. *That* is my worst fear, constant chronic pain, and never being able to go back to my family fully, or go play music, or help babies be born.

I know the doctors' concern is about infection if any sort of radical surgery is done. I don't understand why, though. I will have the most effective and strong antibiotics the entire time; before, during, and after. Why do they feel it is such a risk? When I got NF, I had no antibiotics for almost a week, from teh time after the hernia & lipoma surgery, until I was close to dead. It'd be completely different this time.

I need total relief, I need to pick up my life, and to get enthusiasm back for living. Is that such a radical desire?

There will be conversations this week with Giladi (ID), and Bikels. Maybe even a face-to-face meeting, which is what I really want. Only radical treatment will irradicate this thing forever. And I need it GONE. All of it. I want my life back. I'm only 41.