Toxic body, and how I look as opposed to how I feel...

My body feels toxic. It actually *feels* toxic.
It feels like a trash can, I am taking so many medicines.

anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, two different antibiotics simultaneously for another 4 days, Percocet on demand for pain.

The antibiotics, 3X/day, (to take care of the most recent infection in my reproductive system) make me ill feeling to my stomach, and leave a constant bitter taste in my mouth.

The Percocet helps with pain (but does not remove *all* the pain), but also sometimes makes me queasy if I haven't eaten beforehand. Eating is tougher these days with the bitter taste in my mouth, and if I already feel queasy.... not so inspiring to eat.

It is 3:25 am now. I had a wonderful time at a wedding of the daughter of very close friends. Thank Gd for simchas! (Joyous events). I even danced in a low-keyed sort of way. No more boppin' around like I used to.

I look normal and still smile a lot, and interact in my normal ways. My double life lives itself out here. Everyone commented on how good I looked at the wedding tonight. I can do that- I am not sick, thankfully. I am just on too many medications, and in too much pain. But at the same time that I crave the understanding person to say to me "I know what you are going through, I read your journal entries", I also want to just know how *you* are... lets talk about something else for a change. My [never ending] story is too consuming, and I am sick of me.

The ride home was hard, my hip had had enough of the excitement. I couldn't get myself to take another Percocet- I just don't like the side effects. We had a van load of people, and I squirmed the whole time trying to deal with the pain, switching off pressure points.

So now I am trying to get to sleep. It's not working.