Saturday, September 26, 2009

Caccooned in soft protection

Shabbat was... peaceful, restful, tasty, and plentiful. Thank Gd, and thanks to the beautiful people who contributed food (CG, MoG) and entertainment for my kids (both Friday day and night- BD+ E & MG!). It felt like our family was encircled in a soft, protective sheath all Shabbat. I love you all.

Another thing that makes me feel enveloped in a safe, drape-like feeling is this Oxycod stuff... otherwise known as morphine. It takes the pain away like magic; like nothing else I have been given. I do feel a bit "high" with it, and that, although it does feel so nice, makes me a little cautious to use it. Although my doctor told me to make sure I am out of pain so I can rest well, I still have a mental block about medicating myself. I am worried about addiction- this stuff works, and feels good. Last night I woke up in really bad pain, around 1:30AM. Robert was asleep on the couch, having simply collapsed after a busy day, and an evening of putting the kids to sleep and doing all the clean-up himself from Shabbat. He came upstairs, after being stirred awake by my moaning, at about 2:30AM. I was still in pain, and I hadn't taken anything yet. I think I was hoping just to fall asleep again. He encouraged me to take the Oxycod, and I did. In 25 minutes, like magic, the pain just got covered, like with a soft blanket. I easily drifted back to sleep, and so did Robert, knowing I was out of pain.

This evening, I took a dose around 6:15 PM (right, M?) and it worked well. I did some stuff downstairs, and I was able to join the family for Havdallah at the end of Shabbat. I cleaned a little (very little), and helped Ya'akov out of a bad "funk" he got himself into. Then my leg started to hurt, and I went back upstairs. At about 9:30 I wanted to take more Oxycod, and technically I could have. [I take 3 ml's each dose, and the rule is to wait an hour for each ml you take, before taking more.] But even though I felt pain returning, I had the "high" effect of the medicine still in me. I decided to wait another hour. Pain got increasingly worse, and I took it at 10:15. Feeling groovy now. :-)

But, in a weird way, I feel sort of 'not OK' for having such great medication taking my pain away. In the same weird way, I have gotten used to being in pain... I expect it to always be with me. I feel alive that way. I want to feel pain-free without meds; that is what's right. (Please Gd, that will happen) But covering up pain and feeling groovy when pain technically exists, that still doesn't sit well with me.

You probably all are telling me to turn off my brain and finally enjoy this, right?

OK. :-)
Good night.

(and for anyone, like my parents, concerned that I might try to fast tomorrow on Yom Kippur, don't worry, I won't, at all. It is prohibited for me to fast, even on the holiest day of the Jewish calendar. Talk about not feeling right about something- not fasting on YK? It is just so not normal feeling, and it'll actually be hard spiritually, I think, for me. But, it is doctor's orders...)

1 comment :

  1. Your "normal" is taking care of your body in the best way you can. This year that equals not fasting! End of discussion. My thinking on this comes from the fact that I was told several years ago that I could not fast. Since I knew then and still know now that no one but me is able to care for me, and no one but me is responsible for me...I do not fast and I do not feel the least bit of guilt as I know Hashem gave this body to me and demands that I take care of it!