Mommy-ing my children, and also myself

My friend wrote me a simple, quick email today saying: "how are you managing?" (hat tip to you, DB!)
I am managing like this: "they say that Gd doesn't give us anything that we can't handle. But you know that if you find yourself saying that to yourself, you feel like you can't handle it. That's where I'm at."

But I can handle it, and I am. However, it feels like the absolute edge of what I can do. Even with dinners being organized and brought over, not having a babysitter for these past few days has taken it's toll on me. So has all the PT. So has the getting out of bed at 6:30am. I feel like I've been hit by a bus.

I also wrote to another friend today in answer to a different question: "have you called the babysitter I sent you the number for"? My [less inspiring] answer went like this: "I haven't called [babysitter's name] yet. It's been tough, I am at minimum capacity at the moment, no extraneous calls. But I hopefully will call her either tomorrow to set up a meeting time to talk, or I'll call Sunday. I got to minimum capacity because I don't have babysitting help, so it is a vicious cycle. I fully plan on calling." (hat tip to BD).

Robert called today; first time since he landed last night. Hearing his tired voice while I was trying to keep my head from spinning with evening responsibilities and children's needs, I pulled myself away from the tumult of bathing, homework, an over tired toddler, and combing for lice (a gift from my daughter, presented to me less than *an hour* after Robert left), to focus on him and what he was saying. He overslept because of the flight yesterday, he hadn't seen his father yet. The latest he knows about is that the situation took a turn for the worse. Instead of discussing rehab centers for my father-in-law (like we were doing just last week), we are back to full-time hospitalization with an unknown treatment plan. It is, I think, the fourth month of that. Robert is in the right place at the right time, and Hashem doesn't give us anything we can't handle. It's all so hidden, though, and it's our challenge to live within the boundaries of the present, with the future entirely unknown, and the past having fallen off the radar.

Back to the idea of "managing" with this all:
on sleep: yesterday I took a half hour rest in the evening, right in the middle of prime-time children's hour. I literally could not move another muscle or joint in my body. From 7-7:30pm, I was in my bed. The children were around and about the house, doing their own things to a large extent, probably enjoying the absence of immediate responsibilities. I went downstairs again at 7:30, more ready to continue. I sacrificed a half hour of bedtime for the little ones (Shif & Wazi) in order to recharge my battery. And, as many of you know, I am not one to mess with bedtimes, so this had to have been pretty serious.

More on sleep- moving on to today. I returned from bringing Wazi to gan (a five minute walk each way), and made coffee and had a bite to eat. Then I took a long, hot shower. Then I got into bed just to enjoy the quiet. It was 9:30am. I was awakened only when Ya'akov was yelling into the house through the porch door to get me to let them in after school. That was at 1:50pm (Thursday is the early day). I was d e e p l y asleep, and stumbled to the door to open it. Then, instead of making them lunch like I was supposed to, I went back upstairs, trying to shake off my dizziness. I called a friend and talked it out a bit, and then Dov came upstairs to ask for lunch. I eventually did get into action, and the kids (& I) ate lunch.

We will get through this. Dovie cried tonight after hearing R's voice on the phone. He cried quiet tears into his bed while saying the sh'ma at bedtime. Upset at the routine change, the "floor out from under his feet" feeling, I called it. He agreed with that. He is also upset about grandpa Dolph. He wants to see him and talk to him again, and got sad when I couldn't give him an answer whether or not that will happen. I stayed with him and talked a little, while he cried. I held him; I hadn't done that in a long time with him. Then he felt better, and everyone drifted off to sleep. I love being a mommy to children who respond to me.

I am going to join up with that 'drifting off to sleep' thing now. 6:30am arrives before you know it. But, when 6:30 does arrive, it'll be "thank Gd it's Friday!!!" Maybe my cherubic children will let me rest over Shabbat?