Rainbows are dancing around my walls and ceiling as I write this. It is very mesmerizing, and beautifully distracting. It is from a crystal hanging on the window, facing the sun. Robert bought me this gift while he was in America. It has a mechanism that makes the crystal rotate, fueled not by batteries, but by solar power. It has a little solar shield that collects the sun's energy, and that makes the gears turn, and then the crystal turns, throwing rainbows all around the room. It is really beautiful, and cheers me up.
I am doing better. It's just that I find myself in a similar situation that I found myself in many months ago when I first went to Dr. Bikels. I looked back at that post (you can, too), and decided to copy some of it here, because it feels like the same thing (R.- "hey...!") repeating on itself.
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This is from that post:
After looking at my MRI, he [Bikels] quickly and emphatically said that there are no tumors. There are inflamed areas which cause pain. The word he used to describe what he saw on my MRI was "violence"; that many ragged, distorted, and inflamed areas can be seen. Any of these areas can certainly cause pain. But in his opinion, surgery isn't an option to fix it. That's a good thing, I know, but it takes away the hope of a clear problem with a clear solution.
He said "I'm sorry to tell you that some people have it [chronic pain] their whole lives when something this 'violent' happens". I had to hold back the tears at that point; the prospect of a life of chronic pain. I know it isn't necessarily a life sentence... but it also isn't the answer I was hoping for.
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You see what I mean? Again I have a new MRI, and no clear findings point to a reason for the return of the pain I am experiencing. Of course, Prof. Meller hasn't yet seen it, and there is his opinion to wait for. But it feels much like last time. But in that case, they did eventually relate to it and do a biopsy for checking it out.
My appointment with Prof. Meller is next Tuesday (19th). As far as I know about how they work there, he'll take my recent scans and bring them to a team meeting, then get back to me with any findings (in the past, it has been 3-4 weeks wait). I am thinking of trying to get my scans to him this week-- soon-- to preempt the waiting time. It'd give him a chance to view them before I get there. Of course, the problem with that is that he very well may not look at them, and I haven't saved myself anything. They don't like more pressure there from anyone, especially if it's from someone who is not a cancer patient. But, I put in a call to the secretary, and I'll run it by her, and see what she says.
In the meantime, as long as I am not taking strong pain meds (which I am not), I am going on with life as normal.
Normal, with chronic pain, that is.
Oh, and the dancing rainbows... let's not forget them.
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