A deeply rooted tree... made of glass.

Sometimes I think I am made of really tough stuff, you know? Then there are days like today that I feel like I have a really weak constitution like I am merely a piece of thin glass.

What I am going to describe below is like heavy, wet leaves perched on top of this glass tree-- the trunk is comprised of these issues I am not writing publicly about, and the top of the tree is laden with this other stuff...

I felt like I was dying today. Only for a few minutes, but I felt that. It is from the effects of this medicine switch. Apparently I am having withdrawal symptoms unlike any patient my doctor has ever had in her 15 years of practicing. When I talked to her on the phone yesterday, she said that my symptoms aren't related to tapering off the medication. But today was much worse. My brain was zapping me a few times a minute- like what it might feel like if you stuck your brain into an electric socket for a second. All the time, the world shifting in my skull. Then there is the nausea, and also the deadly migraine. Then tonight my cough got bad enough that I felt my blood pressure drop and my hands tingle, and I thought I was dying. (But I guess I didn't...)

The computer screen is bothering my eyes, but I just cannot stop myself from writing-- just for a few minutes.

I went in to see Lily today, and balled my eyes out. This is all just too much. She called my other doctor, and described what was going on. They are in the same building, so after my meeting with Lily ended, I went to see the other doctor. She was surprised at the severity of my symptoms. She said she'd never have expected this. I must be a very sensitive, one-in-a-million case. Can't I ever be the one that reacts like all the others? Why am I always the one who surprises doctors with my atypical symptoms?

I wish... that I didn't have ANY medicine running through my body. My doctor said today that that is an unlikely scenario.
But I don't have to believe her, do I.

I wish... that I didn't have work obligations now. I need simplicity.

I wish... That I will never do another surgery ever ever again. That one may be true; it is my choice.

I wish... I had a crystal ball so I could plan for these things.