Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The honest good, and being honest

It was a wonderful seder. The children all participated, and Dov & Ya'akov both had some beautiful new thoughts about the Haggada that they would probably not have had time to think or express if we were with other people. I loved that. Robert and I both got many opportunities to teach, and to listen to our kids. That was a real gift. I wasn't jumping up to check on food or the other things you have to do when there are guests. The seder was made even more special by the contribution of the special hand-made matzot that we received as a gift. It was like the gift-givers were there with us. Thanks, A & A. :-)

Everything was good.

But Gapey found a whole new way to get under my skin. Itching from the corner all the way down to my knee. It drove me nuts; either I was scratching and rubbing the skin graft till it was raw, or slapping the thigh to redirect the nerves. You've heard of referred pain? Well this is referred itching.
All day and all night.

What I wanted to write... wanted even in my last post to write... but couldn't because I am supposed to be content with all the wonderful things in my life... is that I feel depressed and detached, and have for a while now. But I couldn't write about that. I just wanted to pretend it's not there.

But I feel so sad. No big reason, no roller-coaster. Just so down.
I don't like being so low on energy that I have to rely on Robert to pick up the slack all the time. He sometimes picks up so much slack that he resents me. Not real outright resentment, but more than frustration.

Coming up on three years since NF. But it never really goes away, I think. It looks like I am over it all, though. I look fine. Completely fine. Unless someone knows that healing is from the inside out, from the outside in, and with the brain being last. And the heart... holding something dark that it can't let free.

Maybe that's really the definition of PTSD.

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