I drove to Jerusalem yesterday for my cousin's wedding in the evening. I also took the opportunity to arrive early enough to spend some quality time with the Rav who married us. He & his wife are very special to us, and I decided it was time for a spiritual "tune-up", so to speak. Thanks, A &A. :-)
At the wedding, all the cousins were there. It was a nice chance for me to feel included again in that side of the family, and I even found a soul mate in the wife of another cousin; we talked about childbirth and babies a lot. We hadn't known each other well before last night.
And I danced... and it hurt. :-(
I drove home from J'm at about 10:30PM, arriving home at midnight. It was lonely ride- I missed Robert. (In the year of mourning, weddings and joyous celebrations are to be avoided). I don't want to do that again without someone with me. (I was fine to drive, just lonely).
So today I limped into hydrotherapy, and was walking straight by the time I left. Thank Gd for hydrotherapy. :-)
I had clients tonight, and I feel really worn out. Tomorrow I am driving myself to Modi'in for a meeting, and also will take the opportunity to see my dear sister-in-law in the morning. I will be driving home in the daylight, though, so it won't be that emotionally heavy. Also R & I have a "late-lunch" date tomorrow for when I return. Yay. And I left the evening free....and arranged for the babysitter to come. I am getting smart in my old age, aren't I.
Pesach cleaning looms over my head, as does the mounds of laundry accumulating, and the big words "p r a c t i c e" on my day planner for the next 5 weeks. Rehearsals and concerts in May.
I like to be able to tell people that I have taken on some work, it makes me feel stronger. But the whisper in my head wants them also to know that every day I am paying the price of going through all I've been through. I am not like them. It is not all behind me. I want everyone to hear my testimony, and to make sure my history doesn't get erased by returning to work.
And I also still need the special dispensation (היתר) to return to the world where I am not expected to be strong, and get into bed because I am in pain, or because life is too overwhelming for me. I am afraid of giving up one world for being in the other.
I love being able to work out my fears as I write. It shows me what my paradox is, and then I can start to reconcile with it.
(I learned that from a wise friend who reads my blog.
{{{hugs}}}, MM.)
{{{hugs}}}, MM.)
Very powerful Sarah. Straddling two worlds isn't easy but you're succeeding.
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