The "I Don't Know" ramblings

Well, I haven't written in a while because... well... since the day at the picnic with the bike rental was so good, I didn't want to write about the aftermath.

I needed to prove to myself that *I am not sick*. But it seems that as well as that is true, I am also not as amazing as I was trying to be with that spurt of manic energy.

I had lots of leg pain the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, and so on. Worse, though, has been the onslaught of migraines that I am plagued with these days.

I had the one a few days before Pesach, and that was awful. It featured throwing up as it's peak. Every time I have a migraine (which one is budding right now as I write) it knocks me down for about 30 hours or more. It goes away only with a drug induced sleep, if I get lucky and succeed in doing that. Then the whole next day I can't get out of bed. I have 4 kids here-- what would I do if I were single!? That is such a frightening thought. So, with that migraine, Robert had to do the whole kitchen switch over for Passover.

Then, I had another **killer** migraine a few days ago- Saturday night. It started on Shabbat, and I couldn't stop it. It came on first like a rolling stone, then a Boulder. I got myself to sleep with meds, but in four hours, when they wore off, I woke with searing pain going through my skull. I took a few things-- Percocet, Xanax, and another 1 1/2 sleeping pills (please don't judge me here unless you know what a real migraine is like). Well, my throat swelled, and my blood pressure got really low. I got up to use the bathroom, and I fainted. Luckily Robert was up watching the Duke basketball game and saw it happen, and helped me back to bed when I came to. I didn't want an ambulance, or house call doctor, just to be back to bed. I somehow got back to sleep with another sleeping pill.

This is bad. I know. I have told my doctor about it each time it is a bad one, and she suggested I should see a neurologist. I'm quite sure there is nothing that can be done for me, though. I am sensitive to many medications, and the migraines come with stress or lack of proper sleep. Mind you- proper sleep can mean way more than you think-- it is not often realistic for me in my life now.

My life now. I am not 'a patient' any more. But I am not as resilient, medically, as I used to be, either. I took on work, but pray that the women go into labor when I am rested. Doula work does not have that luxury. (None of the women I am waiting for have given birth yet).
I am sad a lot. I don't know who I am anymore. I mean, I am not the do-it-all person with a short fuse that I used to be. I am not deathly ill like I have been, and I am still testing the waters with work. I said to a friend today that I completely believe I will never be full time in the work force again. I don't want to, and I am not cut out for that anymore. But when I take work, I get nervous and stressed out, and have physical backlash to that stress.

Geez- I am so sad these days. I spent the hour with Lily today crying. That is rare. I usually talk, and hear her wisdom, and walk out feeling stronger. But today-- after the exchange of pleasantries about the holiday--I just broke down. I am feeling things I never felt before. I am not running constantly like I used to. I am not angry anymore. I am also not a regular hospital patient anymore, and not sick. Those seem to be the only ways I did life until now.

I keep ending conversations with friends with "I don't know". I found myself saying that a lot when spending time with my friends (whom I love) who spent the past few days with us. I don't know. I don't know what will be. I don't know what my future plans will be regarding my dream of a home birthing suite with a midwife in my house. (we have an apartment with a separate entrance that can be converted for this purpose). I cannot make any plans past today. Even from morning to afternoon I don't know what will be. Today we had the plan to take the children on an outing on the last day of their vacation. Until the minute they left, I wasn't sure if I am going with them. Then after my appointment with Lily, I felt the headache getting stronger, and I opted out. It made me sad. The children & Robert went there, and I'm sure are having a good time. And I am in bed with a headache.

The "I don't know" goes everywhere with me. I guess it's just my place in life now. I don't know if I will go ahead with the hernia fix & recommended gyn surgery. It's my choice, not an emergency. I don't know *at all* if I'll do reconstruction of gapey. The thought is too mammoth these days to think of it. So I try not to.

I think I just need to be in the "I don't know". I've never really been there. Even when Robert and I were seeing each other-- I always knew, no doubt that I wanted to marry him.

This thing- this lack of ability for foresight- this lack of control of my day- this "I don't know"... it makes me sad. I've never been that person who is indecisive.

I have to try to rest more now- my head is in the line of fire, and I am worried it'll blow up more. And the house is so quiet.

Quiet.