Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The "I Don't Know" ramblings

Well, I haven't written in a while because... well... since the day at the picnic with the bike rental was so good, I didn't want to write about the aftermath.

I needed to prove to myself that *I am not sick*. But it seems that as well as that is true, I am also not as amazing as I was trying to be with that spurt of manic energy.

I had lots of leg pain the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, and so on. Worse, though, has been the onslaught of migraines that I am plagued with these days.

I had the one a few days before Pesach, and that was awful. It featured throwing up as it's peak. Every time I have a migraine (which one is budding right now as I write) it knocks me down for about 30 hours or more. It goes away only with a drug induced sleep, if I get lucky and succeed in doing that. Then the whole next day I can't get out of bed. I have 4 kids here-- what would I do if I were single!? That is such a frightening thought. So, with that migraine, Robert had to do the whole kitchen switch over for Passover.

Then, I had another **killer** migraine a few days ago- Saturday night. It started on Shabbat, and I couldn't stop it. It came on first like a rolling stone, then a Boulder. I got myself to sleep with meds, but in four hours, when they wore off, I woke with searing pain going through my skull. I took a few things-- Percocet, Xanax, and another 1 1/2 sleeping pills (please don't judge me here unless you know what a real migraine is like). Well, my throat swelled, and my blood pressure got really low. I got up to use the bathroom, and I fainted. Luckily Robert was up watching the Duke basketball game and saw it happen, and helped me back to bed when I came to. I didn't want an ambulance, or house call doctor, just to be back to bed. I somehow got back to sleep with another sleeping pill.

This is bad. I know. I have told my doctor about it each time it is a bad one, and she suggested I should see a neurologist. I'm quite sure there is nothing that can be done for me, though. I am sensitive to many medications, and the migraines come with stress or lack of proper sleep. Mind you- proper sleep can mean way more than you think-- it is not often realistic for me in my life now.

My life now. I am not 'a patient' any more. But I am not as resilient, medically, as I used to be, either. I took on work, but pray that the women go into labor when I am rested. Doula work does not have that luxury. (None of the women I am waiting for have given birth yet).
I am sad a lot. I don't know who I am anymore. I mean, I am not the do-it-all person with a short fuse that I used to be. I am not deathly ill like I have been, and I am still testing the waters with work. I said to a friend today that I completely believe I will never be full time in the work force again. I don't want to, and I am not cut out for that anymore. But when I take work, I get nervous and stressed out, and have physical backlash to that stress.

Geez- I am so sad these days. I spent the hour with Lily today crying. That is rare. I usually talk, and hear her wisdom, and walk out feeling stronger. But today-- after the exchange of pleasantries about the holiday--I just broke down. I am feeling things I never felt before. I am not running constantly like I used to. I am not angry anymore. I am also not a regular hospital patient anymore, and not sick. Those seem to be the only ways I did life until now.

I keep ending conversations with friends with "I don't know". I found myself saying that a lot when spending time with my friends (whom I love) who spent the past few days with us. I don't know. I don't know what will be. I don't know what my future plans will be regarding my dream of a home birthing suite with a midwife in my house. (we have an apartment with a separate entrance that can be converted for this purpose). I cannot make any plans past today. Even from morning to afternoon I don't know what will be. Today we had the plan to take the children on an outing on the last day of their vacation. Until the minute they left, I wasn't sure if I am going with them. Then after my appointment with Lily, I felt the headache getting stronger, and I opted out. It made me sad. The children & Robert went there, and I'm sure are having a good time. And I am in bed with a headache.

The "I don't know" goes everywhere with me. I guess it's just my place in life now. I don't know if I will go ahead with the hernia fix & recommended gyn surgery. It's my choice, not an emergency. I don't know *at all* if I'll do reconstruction of gapey. The thought is too mammoth these days to think of it. So I try not to.

I think I just need to be in the "I don't know". I've never really been there. Even when Robert and I were seeing each other-- I always knew, no doubt that I wanted to marry him.

This thing- this lack of ability for foresight- this lack of control of my day- this "I don't know"... it makes me sad. I've never been that person who is indecisive.

I have to try to rest more now- my head is in the line of fire, and I am worried it'll blow up more. And the house is so quiet.


  1. Sarah, no one is in control all the time. Remind yourself, over and over again, that Hashem is in control and let the weight lift from your shoulders. Go to a neurologist to see whether, just maybe, there is something you can do to prevent or lessen some of the migraines. If he/she can't help, perhaps meditation or acupuncture or biofeedback might help. Go on list-serves to see how other migraine sufferers find relief. Also ask the pain specialist you're seeing for your thigh about the migraines. Best of luck.

  2. I hear you

    I often feel the same way

    It is so hard 2 cope when U don't feel well