Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Old habits die hard

(this is my second post for today. Scroll down, or go here to see the earlier one. Prolific day, isn't it)

I just had my weekly meeting with Lily.

She said, as I fell apart for an hour, that it looks like I am returning to old ways of life before I got sick. Working two jobs and trying to care for my kids at the same time. But this time, I have myself to look after as well.

I did last time, too, but not so bluntly. When I was doing all this stuff before I got NF (almost 3 years ago), I didn't think I had any health stuff to deal with.
But then my body broke. And with it my soul.

We came back, my body & my soul. My soul is better than it ever had been before NF (but needs medication to maintain things). My body needs attention; more than before NF.

I may not take on new clients. I can't find a balance. I am really breaking apart since the weekend births. They take everything out of me. I told Lily about something that happened at the birth, and I broke down while I was telling her; I hadn't realized how hard it effected me... At one point in the pushing stage with Sunday's birth, the midwife suggested that the birthing mother put her foot in my side and I can press it toward her chest for counterpressure. Another midwife was at her other side doing the same thing. As soon as it was suggested and I began to say that I have to change sides and I can't do it on my left side, a contraction came. The birthing mother pushed against both of us with her feet, and I was on the wrong side for me. She pushed right into gapey, and pushed *hard*. I was near tears with pain, but I had to hold it together. I knew that if I let her leg go to save my pain, she'd possibly fall off the table. I had to stay with it until her contraction ended. I was holding back tears. When that contraction ended, I switched sides with the midwife, without her knowing what I had just been through.

Something has to go. I am so bad at saying no to pregnant women. It is in my whole heart to help them. But I see that I can't handle it. Of course, this was back-to-back births, and maybe it'd be different otherwise, but Gd gave me *this* scenario. This one was tailored for me, for whatever reason.

I think I have to stop taking births, and even prenatal course teaching for a while. I have so much to give, but too many people need me, and I am not creating the quiet life I dream of.

I will play with the orchestra in May, though. I don't see that as having an emotional price tag with it. At least I hope not. I never know until it happens; that is the problem with jumping in.

Then I want a break. Then schedule surgery. Doesn't sound like much of a break, does it.
Please Gd, keep guiding me. I'm listening.

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