Silent tears, loving silences

I feel like a tee shirt that was fished out of a pool and wrung out. I guess it's normal that I would feel this way after the shiva visit today in Jerusalem (another three hour trip for the 4th time in two weeks). I am just experiencing such deep sadness. Such loss.

(Rav Ahron and Ayelet are originally from Toronto, and are in their late 70's, early 80's, many grandchildren and great-grandchildren, Baruch Hashem)

I wanted to talk to Ayelet, to share with her the tremendous way her husband influenced my life. In the crowded house of mourning I swooped in on a chance empty seat next to her. I held her hand and spoke to her. To my surprise, as soon as I held her hand, I started crying. The *impact* of the life cycles that Rav Ahron has nursed us through hit me strong. Three huge life-shaping events were with him, and blessed by Gd, in his merit. Wow, it hit me strong. Just like it is right now, that hot-face feeling before the tears come...

Our return trip was timed so that I would make it to my appointment with my lovely therapist, Lily. Again, to my surprise, a full hour was passed with the kind of crying that is slow, deep and mournful. I spoke about my experience of the second loss in as many weeks, and about Rav Ahron. I spoke about the third person in my life who is struggling with very serious health complications due to chemotherapy.

It feels kind of like those three-dientional movies where you sit stationary in a seat and things whizz past you, and your reactions are not filtered by your brain; it all goes straight to the sensory realm.

In the end, I realized that for me, this period is bringing me closer to Robert in a very peaceful, knowing kind of way. The travel time we spent together these past two weeks is the most "quality time" we've had in *ages*. The silences were as loving as the talks. I feel a new calm edging it's way into my heart. Thankfully, it doesn't have to work to hard to get in there. These days my heart seems to be open like the heavens on Yom Kippur.