Saturday, December 11, 2010

happienss is...?

I am starting to feel that hopeless feeling again. Hopeless that I'll ever get out of this cycle of pain and general sick feeling I have had for a while now.

I keep thinking that I just have to try harder to be happy with my lot. Everyone has issues that can potentially keep them from feeling satisfied with life. But health, I don't know; health problems present a certain feeling that this challenge that can potentially be overcome, if only the right doctor could be found for the magic diagnosis and cure. It entices us to keep searching for a way out, and be dissatisfied with the present.

Being dissatisfied with the present is a problem in and of itself. Most people are guilty of it, I think. Financial problems ("if only... the right break at work, the right job change, a better family budget", etc.), relationship problems (when the other person does this, things will improve), health problems; they keep us wanting better. I mean, wanting better is a good condition in some ways; it makes us strive. But it is also important to accept the reality that is. Gd gave us this reality, and accepting it means accepting Gd.

All that waxing platitude is my way of trying to explain my struggle.
I feel LOUSY, often.
I dream of a brilliant diagnostician to see my problem and help it all to go away.
I try to keep moving forward with my acceptance of my lot. The part of that lot that is in the forefront is that I have pain, malaise, and fatigue. Then I try to overlook that part by saying how amazing it is that I have the gift four beautiful healthy children (b'li eyen hara), a wonderful husband, lots of loving friends, the honor of living in Israel, more material possessions than one person needs, and a strong faith.

But gosh, the reality is that I *do* need a brilliant diagnostician. At least, that is what I have convinced myself of, anyway.

I still have this low-grade fever coming and going, and my lymph nodes are sore. Symptoms rise and fall like the low-grade fever.

I push myself out of bed in the [late] mornings. I do it because I am scared of resigning myself to bed too often.

I re-read what I wrote... who *IS* this!?? What happened to Sarah??!!!!!

I pray for answers. This week has in it Prof Meller on Tuesday, and then the new pain doctor consult on Wednesday. And I am also taking care of my son's psychological/learning evaluation starting this week.

I think I want to pray that I can appreciate being alive, that I can appreciate my kids, and that I can see the good in everything.

I want to be a happy person, even if I don't have the healthy feeling I yearn for.

1 comment :

  1. What a touch balancing act, and one we all share. How to be grateful for all the good in our lives while at the same time acknowledging that some things are really, really hard, even unbearable. I think having the two together is human.