OK, on Shabbat I got to shul and back, that was great.
But then I slept the *entire* day afterward. We all know that is not unusual for me.
But just because it's not unusual, it doesn't stop it from feeling awful, every time.
So this next part I have to talk about is going to be very hard. It is not an easy thing to talk about, but I have to because there are particular side effects of taking opiates that are changing the very core of my life. So much so that I am considering going off *all of them* and suffering with pain instead. Yes, it is **that** bad.
There are so many side effects of these medicines I take, you wouldn't believe it.
A good day means I feel normal and myself, despite- or because of- the medicines.
Here is a small list of the most prominent side effects I live with:
* tremors in my hands. I was cutting Shifra's nails last night and she asked me why my hands are shaking. I told her it was because of the medicines I take. My hands shake so much sometimes that I wonder if my dinner fork is going to make it to my mouth.
And yes, I asked Dr. Z about it, he said it was indeed from the meds, not early Parkinson's, Gd forbid. Apparently there is a difference between a tremor when you aren't actively doing something, and another type that happens only when your hands are doing something. Interesting. I have the second one, and it is from the meds.
* those swollen glands I wrote about a week ago or so? Well, they are a side effect of the nerve pain medicine. Added to that, when one has swollen glands for a long period of time, the upper range of the voice is just not there anymore. I am not talking about my singing voice, rather my speaking voice.
* and here's the one that knocked my off my feet for all of today (so far, one day and counting?)- the inability for the intestines to work the muscles they need in order to use the bathroom. It is a sort of constipation that comes with opiate usage. It isn't classic constipation- I take Peglax regularly, eat lots of fiber, and keep decent conditions in my intestines, but they aren't working. I don't get the urge- almost ever. The peristalsis action gets paralyzed.
I decided I needed to do something about this problem last night- it was so bad.
I did what we, as doulas (and midwives), suggest to our ladies who need a kick-start for their labors: I drank castor oil. I was that desperate.
OH. MY. G*D.
Starting from about 2:30 am, I started to get knife-like stomach cramps which woke me out of deep sleep. It went on from there until about 5am. Yes, almost three hours of violent, body-wracking, insanely painful diarrhea. I was shivering from shock. I still am in shock, actually.
This morning, as the luck would have it, it was my morning to get the kids up and driven to school. Monday's are the only mornings of the week that Robert isn't home all night. Yes, I *know*, in retrospect, that I could have waited for another, more opportune time to do this treatment, but I never, in my wildest dreams, thought that this horrible thing would happen. Also, I was *that* desperate. I am used to seeing that it puts women in labor, and I literally didn't think what it would do to a body *not* in labor. Too bad I don't have a baby to show for it. My body feels like it did, though.
I am still running to the bathroom even now... almost twelve hours later. I have been in bed all day. After I drove the children this morning (I was worried I wouldn't be up to the job, but I got the strength from G*d to do it), I came home, walked Emma, then went straight back to bed.
This is awful. I think you probably deduced that by now, yeah?
Worst part of it is...
The gut wrenching (no pun intended) crying that has gone along with this event. I am so so sad. I have been crying on and off, heavy, full-bodied tears, all day.
This disease I've had... it follows me wherever I go, like a shadow which has it's own life.
PS- I am writing now at 16 hours since it started, and I am still having the runs, very painful, and my whole abdomen is so sore. When will it stop? I find it hard to daven (pray) to ask Hashem to make it stop, because in the big scene, that isn't my goal. But, OMG, this is nuts.