Tuesday, November 19, 2013

battling demons, letting go.

I am trying to just let this happen the way Hashem wants it to happen.
Turned out that they moved my CT to tomorrow (which is technically today because it is 2am here). So, this morning without the CT to go to, I had time to reflect a bit and calm down from the stress of this all.

The report from today is that the pain has significantly lessened. I even did housework and errands today. I felt the abdominal pang, less strong, maybe three or four times today.

So, I am now wrestling with a very important question here.
The question goes like this: If I were to not do the CT tomorrow (after two doctor's brouhaha of getting me in for the CT ASAP, based on my urgency, not theirs necessarily), who's decision would it be if I travel next week or not? Mine.
If I do the CT tomorrow, then who's decision is it? The doctor's? The anonymous radiology guy?

Is it in my hands or theirs? Yes, it is all in Hashem's hands, we know that. But, we are the ones who make decisions based on the small voice in our hearts that (I believe) is divine. My small voice is saying "the pain is waning, the trip is in a week, most likely it is something that came and went". Oh, I also feel that my appetite is returning. These things point to me deciding to cancel the CT tomorrow and listen to my inner voice and make my own decision. I do feel that things in my innards are calming down, whatever it is/was. The trip is only for two and a half weeks, not like months of hiking in the Andes or something (but to be fair, doing this sort of overseas trip with the whole family *is* kinda like hiking the Andes- for *me*).

Other voice: (the voice of not a few of you, I think) Do the CT. Even though the symptoms are subsiding, you need to get it checked out. If the doctor tells you it's nothing to worry about, or nothing at all, than you haven't lost anything.

My answer to that: Yes, I have lost something here. Our bodies are all we have, till death do we part. CT scans are a tremendous amount of radiation, with the contrast dye, it is bad for the system, especially kidneys. In my life, I have head so many CT's I lost count years ago. I would venture a guess at 3 a year for the past 6 years, for different issues that seem to pop up fairly frequently since I got NF. I need to protect my body as best as possible and be safe. I feel that this CT may be unnecessary if things are quieting down with me.

It all comes down to, for me, is *who* guides my decisions, my doctor or God? Or my doctor through God, or God through my doctor?

Get it?
No, Sarah doesn't take things easily. When these inner conversations go on, always concerning God, I need to go deeper to hear the answer. Or, sometimes I physically feel the answer. My body talks a lot; tells me stuff by showing me how it hurts, and possibly what in my life is/was causing that hurt. I work on these issues with my spiritual guide- it's about listening to our bodies and what they need to tell us. Everyone's body speaks differently to them. My body speaks very loudly. I don't hear so well, so it has to really scream something almost incomprehensible until I get it.

This abdominal thing, whatever it is, seems to be fading away.
I am confused about whether to do the CT tomorrow or not. I do feel that the test will turn out fine, but there is that small, niggling voice saying to me 'what if it doesn't turn out fine?'

OK, well, writing this out hasn't made me closer to my answer. Thanks a lot, guys. :)
I was hoping I could 'write' the answer out of myself.

OK, I just palpitated my own abdomen where it has been tender and sore (behind gapey), and it is still tender and sore to press on. Less so, but not gone.

I think I will do the CT tomorrow and then, based on the findings, I will decide. I am almost positive it won't be something that will "ground" me from traveling next week.

My other doctor, who I haven't officially switched from yet, always tried to avoid sending me for CT's, because of my history. Maybe she is right?

You see how I am waffling here? It's awful. I need an answer from The Boss up there. Now that I wrote that, I am sure it will come. The minute that I forget that the decision comes from Him, I get all confused and unclear.

OK, no more blog writing, ever. I'll just give The Boss His power. Everything's going to be alright.
(I'll update you tomorrow, of course. I was just kidding. <grin> )


  1. I know it's not an easy decision, but you said it: "I think I will do the CT tomorrow and then, based on the findings, I will decide." You went to a new doctor, looking for help, a new approach. One of the things he suggested doing is this CT. Doing it seems to me to be a commitment to his approach. I know you'll decide what is best for you.

  2. Good luck, hope you feel better.

  3. BUT think about how you'll feel if you pass up the CT and then G-d forbid the pain comes back with a vengeance???

  4. It seems to me that you did write your way to a decision.

    It also seemed to me that in addition the doctors can advise you not to travel but they can't prevent you from doing so. And if you agreed with you their advice (if...) you would be pleased that you had gone that route - with all the issues of CTs and not travelling. Hope that that is not the way it turns out though. Hoping to hear better news soon

  5. Thanks everyone. I am going to go.. in an hour. Wish someone was around to take me and be with me. Not like I never did one before and I'm scared or anything like that, but because I need a calm person. This one is stressing me out. Did y'all know that?

  6. Hazak ve-ematz Sarah Kashin Klein, wishing you much hatzlaha and bsorot tovot always.

    (If I lived closer I would offer to escort you, always good to have another person with you, certainly know that feeling.)

  7. I was gonna say, don't you say no more blog writing! How will I know what's up and what to pray for? I figure at this point in my day, you have already had or not had your CT. May it all have been the way it was supposed to be. :-)

  8. Sarah, I'm reading the blog, and thinking how grateful I am for you that the pain seems to be resolving. Baruch HaShem! However, I'm concerned that you're using that improvement as a reason to cancel the CT scan. Can we play a little game here? I call it "What If".

    What if: you cancel the CT scan tomorrow and the pain returns tomorrow night?
    What if: you tell the docs you're canceling and they decide you're not serious about getting to the bottom of the problem?
    What if: you're on the plan, over the ocean and you get another severe attack?
    What if: you're in New York when that attack hits and your mom has to take care of you?

    And on the other hand,
    What if: you get the CT scan, they learn what's causing the problem and can fix it?
    What if: they tell you that all's clear and you can go on the tri with an easy heart and mind?

    I'm sure you can come up with some more "what-if's", and they'll be more to the point than mine.

    Yes, it's in HaShem's hands, but remember, you're His partner in this and the decisions you make are either helping Him or not. The decisions are certainly yours to make; after all, this is your body we're talking about. And no one has the right to make those decisions except you. You'll make the decisions based on the questions you ask of yourself and of G-d. The first of those question is, are you asking Him the appropriate questions, the ones that will elicit the answers He wants you to hear, or are you asking questions that will elicit the answers you want to hear. No one but you can clarify that.

    Love, and prayers for refuah sheleimah--once again,

    1. Everything here is logical, for sure.
      I guess I was just writing about the philosophy of making decisions, and who is actually doing it, and who do we trust to be Hashem's messengers? Also, part of thinking about canceling the CT is that I started, with this "thing", to trust my body and think that it is able to heal itself of a problem.
      Anyway, I went to it today and did the CT. For better or for worse.

    2. I just wanted this time to be different. To change the picture, so to speak.
      And yes, I know that the new doc may not take me seriously, but I couldn't make my decision about what he'll think.
      CT scans, you have to believe me, are *really* bad for the body. I thought of "this time, i'm going to think of taking care of my body, if it is giving me signs of recovery". Does that make sense?

  9. Sarah, regarding your concerns with the CT scan, I'm interested in how your doctor weighs the pros and cons. I'm sure he is as aware of the dangers of CT radiation and contrast dye as you are. Why does he think the benefits outweigh the risks?

    1. Well, Michael, this is a new doctor, too. He isn't filled in on my whole history, and how many CT's I've gone through. I don't think any new doctor combs through a new patient's chart to that degree. The start where they can, read the cart for the big picture, and go on from there.
      Having said that, if a doctor thinks there may be something serious going on, he needs a diagnostic tool. In this case, CT is the best tool. In other cases MRI is better (like for my hip problems). MRI is100% safe.
      Anyway, he sees his job at this juncture is to diagnose with a CT. without it, I can't really know what is going on. So, to diagnose or to guess. To doctors, they see "to diagnose" as their jog, and indeed, it is what I need from him. So, yes, they see that outweighing the risk of teh CT. I think I see the risks more because I know how many I've had, and i am just scared of long term effects. So, if I need a diagnosis, I have to do it. So,, I did. Benefit outweighing risk. Neither is a great choice though, right?

  10. Glad you're on the other side of this day!