Let Go and Let God- the Mediterranean ocean today

So much nice life has happened since I had the opportunity not to have surgery last week. We had a beautiful holiday together (Shavuot), and I even walked late at night to go to Torah classes. I also got to shul the next morning... all by foot. Baruch Hashem. Everything can be turned around as a blessing in disguise. I truly believe that... everything.
Today we spent some awesome time at the beach! We (just me with Shifra and Azriel) went to meet up with friends who were already there. See?

From Left to right: 3-year-old Sar'El Quinn, Azriel, 8-year-old Adiyah Quinn, and Shifra (strike a pose).

playing ball on the beach

selfie. :)

The secretary of the orthopedic department called me today, offering me an earlier surgery date because someone cancelled. 

I thought about it for a few seconds, then took it. I still want earlier rather than later, taking into account that I want to be healed fairly well to do family outings in August. Together with that, the date of the 17th (did I tell you that is the new date?) happens to be Ya'akov's graduation from junior high ceremony. Not good timing. He'd be very sad if one of us wasn't there. So, I took the 10th. A few seconds after that, Robert reminded me about Shifra's dance recital. That is the 12th. She has been talking about it non-stop, and would quite likely crumble into a heap of dust of I told her I won't be there (the hospital said it's a two night stay, not one.) Graduation or dance recital? Sarah's choice. Well, it wasn't actually a hard choice (yes, it is, Sarah)... Shifra really really wants me at the recital, and the graduation isn't so important to Ya'akov... except that I know it is. I did wind up calling the secretary back to restore the later date of the 17th. I am not at peace with it, but neither one is a great choice. So, as I already said that all disappointments are a blessing in disguise, I have to have faith that I am doing the right thing. Ya'akov's graduation is exactly *on* the 17th, the day of surgery. I can't imagine waking up from surgery and not having Robert there, even if a close friend took his place. I need him there. Well, "need"... I know I'd get by without him as long as a close friend was there, but he's my husband. You know what I mean, right? But I feel awful about keeping him from Ya'akov's graduation. So what, nobody will be with Ya'akov? Or a stand-in will be with him? Neither scenario works well. Hmmmmm, now I am thinking of taking the date of the 10th again (if it is still available). Shifra's recital is one day after I'd get home from surgery. That is insane for me to go out of the house, wheelchair or not. I don't want to risk infection. I know that in the scheme of life, each kid would get over their disappointments, and build character through it, but I don't want to disappoint them for either of these things. There are enough character building experiences in life. I want to build them up, and I have to disappoint them time and time again because of my health, since I got NF.

Mothering the kids through all this makes them different. They know what their mother has been through, and it's not easy for them to accept my limitations. Each kid has their own way of dealing with it, but it has been a very rough road for them. My book will go into detail about this, of course.I mean, this is not, by far, the first time they would be let down because I am sick, or recovering from surgery. There is a long line of disappointments. I know every kid (and every person, for that matter) has to deal with disappointments, but that knowledge doesn't make me feel any better. It happens very often for them. I also know that I do so much great stuff for and with them, and I am not discounting that. (For example, refer to above pictures. I am presently in heavy pain for being at the beach.... but I did it for them, and for me. I *need* the beach sometimes. It's where I "let go and let God". I spent a lot of time in the water today, which was awesome, but the strong Mediterranean undertow and high waves made my hips and whole body work hard while I was thrashed around, playing with the kids. It hurts so. much. now. 

Entire thigh joint and pelvis, both sides equally, that is how bad it is. It is actually getting worse as the evening continues. Tonight, I'll only be able to sleep after taking a sleeping pill. Too much pain to fall asleep naturally.)I keep going back and forth with this decision (which there may not even be, if the earlier date was given away already). I just gotta use my faith here to guide me.If the surgery *was* on the 10th, and Shif's recital is on the 12th, Robert could go to the recital. *But*, if the surgery is on the 17th, there is [almost] no way for Robert to be at Ya'akov's school graduation. So, are we going for the 10th now?I'll sleep on it. If I can sleep, that is. I hurt so much, each tiny movement in bed catches my breath because of the searing pain. Next time I go to the beach, I should stay at the shallow place where the ocean starts. But that is so hard for me, I LOVE going out to the waves! Maybe after this surgery, I will again be able to have a day at the beach and not be in agony afterward. And so we pray.

Please God the pain and inflammation will be better tomorrow, and we'll have a nice Shabbat together. I hope to make it out to go to friend's for Shabbat lunch.

Shabbat Shalom!