Meeting myself in transition

The trip to the US was so difficult emotionally. But physically I did it all-- I went by myself, rented a car, got around to lots of different places myself, returned the car to Newark airport and found my terminal to get my return flight. I didn't think I could do it all, I was very nervous about everything, but I did it. But wow, now I know what it's like when someone is inconsolable. My dear aunt who had to bury her daughter. It was awful.

So now I'm jet lagged again. I'm not sleeping well at nights. My medicines changed also, so that is contributing to the sleeping problems. I'm going off some medicines, which is good, but I have to learn how to sleep without them.

You know, when you are defined by something for a long time, it becomes very hard when that definition no longer works. First I was a working musician and a birth doula, then that got stolen from me when I got sick 12 years ago. Then, for 12 years I was sick. I went through hell. I even wrote a book about it. Now, after this past surgery (three months ago), I am not in pain, I am not defined by my illness anymore. Don't get me wrong, I know this is a good thing, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I just could not have imagined that I'd get my health back, and not be in constant pain, and not constantly running to doctors. It's a miracle, I know that.

I am left without a definition now though. That is the hard part. I have dreams that I may be able to fulfill, but today, these days, I feel empty and pointless. If I do the mechina program (pre-returning to university for a nursing degree) it starts in November. I am in transition, and I'm not sure where it's leading. I picked up my horn yesterday for the first time in about 5 months, and I am really really out of shape playing-wise. Can't jump into that fast, it's going to take time (I had some work done on my teeth and that is effecting the pressure in my mouth when I play). I'm not even sure if I can really go back to that. Like I said, I'm without a definition, and it's a tough place to be. I cry about it, it's that tough of a place to be. My days aren't defined by anything. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd be in this position. I was always on the go, doing things constantly. I am just meeting this other Sarah and I don't know what to make of her. I hope this makes sense to you. It's such a strange place to be in my life, after everything I've done and been through. I'm healthy, and bored, and don't understand myslef. Strange!

Today is Azriel's 14th birthday, going out to get him some balloons to come home to.
I am still a mother. :)