The wake of insomnia in 5780

Some of you look for updates, and I think they are getting fewer and farther between. I think that is overall a good thing, that I don't have huge medical issues to write about, or lots of hard feelings to get out. Truth be told, I feel so much like an empty slate these days that I'm not sure what feelings I have, and whether or not I have to get them out. It's so un-me-like.

One thing I can tell you is that since I went off my sleeping medicine (two weeks ago when I returned from New York) I've had two weeks of insomnia. True, up-all-night-listening-to-podcasts-and-audio-books insomnia. I also did a lot of rummaging through my medicine drawer to find cocktails that would put me to sleep. That is a path I've been down before, and it doesn't lead to anywhere good. Last time I let the insomnia go on for two months (when I had the PTSD relapse last year) and wound up in the psych hospital. I was seeing the writing on the walls here, and was wise enough to talk to my doctors about it. My family doctor was even generous enough to get onto messenger with me at 1am last week and "talk" me through what was going on. (Thank you, E!!)

It really was up to my shrink, though, because she is the one who directed me to go off my sleeping medicine. She felt it was too heavy for me (she replaced it with something that didn't work for me). That's why I went off it and stayed off it, even though I wasn't sleeping.

Damn I wish my body could sleep without medicines. It just seems to not be able to, no matter what I try. But two straight weeks of insomnia (and a small traffic accident in there which gave my PTSD a party for a few days) is nothing to play around with. When I spoke to my shrink finally (not on Messenger at 1am), she said to of course go back onto my sleep medicine, and come in to see her so we can discuss options. Oh, OK, so it wasn't written in stone. That night I took a half pill, and slept fitfully, but slept nonetheless. A full pill makes me too foggy the next day. It may not be the best medicine for me, but I'll discuss that more with my shrink when I see her. But why can't my body sleep without medicine? I've been in this scenario before, it just won't sleep. Not since I had NF and started with the sleeping pills because of the PTSD. Twelve years of sleeping pills, and no memory at all of being able to sleep without medicine. It is what it is. I hope to get the sleeping back on track soon.

Well, with the first Shabbat of the Jewish year behind us and Yom Kippur ahead, I'd like to wish everyone a *healthy* and loving new year! I want to thank each of you for your support here on the blog and off. It's the support that I feel from you guys, the readers, that keeps me going during the hardest times. May we only know true light. The cracks in our souls (our imperfections) is where the light can seep in and heal us. So yeah, may we all know true light and give it freely. Onward to year 5780!