building bridges

There have been a lot of holidays happening around here, it's that season. We've had lots of guests and have also been hosted. It's been mostly good, thank G-d. It's been a lot of shopping for food, cooking, setting up, cleaning up, repeat. (...and it's not over yet.)

I've also been practicing horn, and also put an ad out for my birth preparation course. I am realizing I can't just pick up where I left off, there are bridges to build. I put ads all over Facebook, and haven't yet gotten any responses. I'm going to have to work harder on advertising. And as far as my horn practicing... oy. There are problems in paradise.

I always dreamed for the time and ability and health to return to my horn. Well, I have those things now, and am returning to my horn, but I sound *awful* most of the time, and don't enjoy myself playing because I don't have the control of the instrument I used to have. I don't have the range I used to have, or finesse. I know that will come with time, but like I said, I have bridges to build. It's not going to come easily.

Also, unfortunately it seems that strengthening my stomach muscles (for playing horn) after my big surgery isn't going to go as smoothly as desired, either. My lower left belly (where Gapey used to be) hurts when I do any strenuous playing-- like working on my high register. I just can't do it, my surgeon doesn't want me doing anything that could cause pain, and this is causing pain. So I take a lot of breaks, but I'm not sure if it's just a matter of time before the pain will stop, or if This Is It, I can only play horn to a certain extent until it hurts, then I have to stop. It's nothing like the pain I had before the surgery, it's just a little sharp twinge-y feeling. But it's pain and it's here to tell me something. Take a break. It could be that with time this will also go away, I don't know. I hope so. I'm not rushing to any orchestra work, I can't, I don't have my level of playing back. But I would like to get to that level again, some day.

It's holiday season so many things have to wait until all the holidays are over. Seeing any of my counselors has to wait, which means the mechina course I am considering taking has to wait, also. That's the pre-nursing school plan course for five months, to hone learning skills again to get ready to go back to school. I don't know if I'm going to do it- nursing school. It seems almost too challenging for me. My kids tell me I can do anything (they are mimicking back to me what I tell to them when they are discouraged), but I'm not so confident. I told them that I say that to them because they are young and just starting out in life. But then my daughter said back to me that if she was 50 and I was 85 wouldn't I tell her the same thing? Yes, I would.... so why am I not listening to myself? I don't have the confidence that I can do this nursing school program. I don't actually have the confidence that I can do anything these days... that's my main problem. That's the main bridge I have to start building- the one that I believe in myself more.

My sleeping is a bit better, but still not what it should be (and has been up until recently). I saw my psychiatrist about the sleeping problems, and she didn't want to change any of my medicines at all, just suggested to use my Cannabis for help sleeping. OK so I've been doing that, and it has helped a bit, but it's not predictable enough. It kicks in at different times (I'm taking the oil at the moment, not smoking it- it makes me cough too much), and isn't a reliable source of a good night's sleep. I have to keep experimenting with it. I also need to ask my neurologist to renew my licence, it's expiring soon. Anyway, that's what I have at my disposal for the while. I guess it's good not to add new pills, and side effects, but the cannabis isn't so reliable either.

My restless leg syndrome (RLS) is acting up something fierce. It reacts with changes in my medicines, or as a side effect to one of my medicines. Robert and I discovered that RLS can definitely be a side effect from a specific medicine I take, so I decided to cut it in half and see if it makes a difference. It'll take three or four weeks before I know if that's helping.

All-n-all, I'm struggling with self-confidence that I can start up anything these days. That's just the stage I'm at I guess. It's frustrating. I got so sick at such a young age, and stayed sick for so long, that starting up anything now seems too hard, but I'm still young. My days are quite unstructured and aside from taking care of the kids my days are pretty empty. I need to build bridges from where I left off my working days, to twelve years later. Not simple at all. Day by day, I'll get better at this, I hope.