Hip replacement

As we know, my belly pain problems, although prominent over these past few years, are not the only issues in this war-torn body. My hips are another source of problems.

In this case, we are talking about the left hip, the one that had the PVNS in the joint the same year I had NF. I think I am the only person in the history of the world who had NF and then the rare and destructive tumor disease in the same year. The orthopedist said they are not related. I don't know about that. The PVNS was not part of the lawsuit, that much we know, so the doctors from our lawyer must have also thought it was unrelated.

Be that as it may, that joint where the disease was is not doing well. I am looking at a total hip replacement, sooner rather than later. (But not before the wedding in January!)

I just saw my orthopedic oncologist on Sunday. He looked at my x-rays, and told me the joint is very badly damaged, and that is what is causing me the pain. Last time I saw him he gave me a steroid shot that helped for months with the pain. This time he said it's a different story, it's not the bursitis, it's the joint worn down. There is no cartilage in that joint, I'm walking basically bone-on-bone. Yes, that would hurt, and it does. He ordered an MRI to see if the tumor disease (PVNS) is back in the joint- it has a 50% recurrence rate. He said, either way, even if the disease is back, he'd recommend a THR (total hip replacement). I can no longer go with arthroscopically removing the tumors because the joint wouldn't heal well.

How do I feel about all this?
Terrible.
I don't want more surgery, like ever. I have been through enough to cover my entire community ever needing surgeries. I hate surgery, and recovery. But I also hate being in pain, don't we all. I feel it's not fair, I've been through so much. Maybe I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself, but it's just too much. I just had a massive body and mind-altering surgery only four and a half months ago, I was just beginning to feel free from more surgeries, than this came up. One day a few weeks ago I did Tai Chi (which I do frequently), then with my hip already hurting I took Shifra shopping in the mall, and that was it- I was in so much pain I could barely walk. I started sleeping with a heating pad on my whole hip, but it didn't really help. Nothing helped, and I won't take pain pills, or patches, or anything like that. But maybe I should just take something to get through the wedding, I don't know. It's all so confusing for me, all my feelings about medicating pain, surgeries, pain in general. I have had such a long history with pain of all kinds, from mild to the most horrendous pain I could ever imagine (when I had NF). I am DONE with it. I just want to live my life with no surgeries looming over me. I have been thinking about my future for the first time in a long time, and now I feel like that needs to again go on hold. What is the message here? Why do I have these things come up all the time? What am I doing wrong? I am just beside myself with dismay at needing another [serious] surgery.

Everyone has stories about their parent or relative or friend who has had a hip replacement and it was the best thing that ever happened to them. I have heard many stories. My father had a hip replacement when he was about 80, but his was not done correctly and he continued to walk with a limp for the rest of his life. He had scoliosis, and because of the curvature of his spine, they made the hip the wrong size. Instead of going in for a revision, he left it that way. He wore one shoe built up higher than the other, but it didn't work to stop his limp. I know that I won't have that particular complication, I don't have scoliosis thank G-d. But there can be other complications, we don't have to name them all. I've already been through one of the worst that can happen (NF), and that can happen again. There is no immunity against that once you've had it. But a million other complications can also happen.

I've already been through three hip surgeries- two on the left (the one which hurts now), and one on the right. I know what it is like to recover from them.

And even if the complications don't happen (I didn't have any complications with this passed surgery, although it was huge), I don't want more surgery! I feel depressed about it, but with my hip in pain, there is not much choice. I wish I could see the divine roster that G-d holds about what is in store for each person. I just don't understand why I keep having all these trials. I can't seem to move on from this medicalized life. I can't do nursing school in this condition, although I haven't been so sure about nursing school anyway. I haven't been sure about anything these days.

I did two trial days at the jewelry making place, and I am interested in continuing. Since it is through the rehab "umbrella" in the national health insurance, I have to wait three weeks to a month before the approval (and insurance) to do this job. That is a bummer, just to sit at home and wait, but that is how it works there. That is a job with much less responsibility than going back to university to learn. I can take as many days off as I need, and it is only four days a week in the mornings until 12:30. That is a job I can do while I need another surgery, it's also mostly sitting. I'll start there as soon as the approval comes in.

So I'll keep you posted about what is going on with my hip replacement saga. For me it's as much emotional as physical. I just can't believe that I am looking down the barrel of another surgery. Even though I know it will ultimately be for the good (no more painful hip), I wish there was no pain or other surgeries to worry about at all. I enjoyed that while it lasted.

I hope I don't sound too complain-y. I don't want to complain. I am just a bit forlorn at this prospect, on the heels of what I just went through not even five months ago.

Everything at the right time, I always say. I guess I have to be consistent, and maybe this is at the right time. Maybe Hashem wants me to be free of problems after this successful hip surgery takes place. We can hope. We can pray.