Reality sinking in... bringing me along with it.

It hit me this Shabbat that if I go through with this surgery, my family will suffer. It hit me strong because Friday was a particularly hard day here around our house. Robert is under extraordinary pressure with his work.
I slept until 11:30am on Friday (which also meant another day of not picking up Ya'akov's fixed glasses), because of the long day I had the day before (Thursday) in Tel Aviv with the consult. It all hit me hard about what it means for me to undergo another painful and difficult surgery.

Robert was short on patience, there is so much pressure. For the next two weeks he is working as close to 24/6 as possible. I know that is temporary sounding, and indeed the pressure is mostly off afterward. (but then there is the trip to North Carolina with his brothers to clean out my father-in-law's house and get it on the market) But it hit me hard. It hit me that this man has been under extraordinary amounts of pressure to guide the children, keep track of a thousand details, cooking, laundry when things get out of hand, and the myriad of details involved in running a household when the mother spends *a lot* of time in bed. Now granted, I did get a lot of stuff done, even though I was sick with a chest cold type of thing (cough, tired, run-down). I made the challot, changed all the beds, fresh sheets all around. 4 loads of laundry, rooms cleaned up.

Robert was doing the cooking for Shabbat. He felt all the pressure of his work waiting for him, but he was cooking instead. The kids were "abba!, abba!-ing" him right and left, and the steam was compressing. He was feeling frustrated (with me, also, naturally. He needs a partner who can completely take over whenever necessary.) The children were acutely aware of the tension, and there were some tears and general negativity.

My point here is that this surgery, if I go through with it, is a big one. The surgeon himself told me the straight truth that I'll have to deal with a lot of pain afterward. This procedure could set me back from taking care of my family & my home for 6 weeks or more. We all know that with each surgery, it takes me more and more time to recover. Everyone suffers along with me, in their own way.

The children need me. It is already hard enough with the smaller problems I have these days; sporadic ailments, sleeping the long hours, the PTSD getting in the way often.

Another surgery. I don't know if the family or if I can sacrifice what it takes to recover.

I feel stuck. How did it get to this. If I don't go through with the surgery, for the time being things would stay the same (pain, discomfort, bulging shape). I run the risk of getting more hernias as time goes on, and canceling out the hope of reconstruction. How am I supposed to do it all, really?

I want to have choices. I didn't have a choice of how I got this way. I want to have a choice how to make it as better as possible for quality of life. But what about the quality of my family life. What about that.

There is so much that goes into creating the family and home we dream of. When mommy spends lots of time very sore and tired, lots of what goes into creating that home & giving the children what we believe in gets pushed to the side for the substitute of how we can figure out the best way to get through this moment...now. On Friday, I missed out on giving my oldest child my mommy skills he needed to be a better person. Instead, he went into Shabbat feeling awful. And so did I. How could I set myself up for another surgery that will set us all back so much. These years COUNT.

I cried all Friday night (the consult was Thursday, and I didn't have much chance to talk with Robert about this all). Didn't eat, felt awful, went to bed while everyone was still sitting at the Shabbat table. Everyone felt bad, and I couldn't explain what was going on with me.

I want to do this surgery; I want to know that I could have the chance to keep my stomach wall muscle in tact, so later in life I am not in a worse position.

But my kids are young and need constant guidance, and I want them to have it from me as well as Robert. He needs the pressure off. *I* need the pressure off. How can I get out of this round & round getting stuck in a holding pattern?

Another test to meet. I am not sure this one will fly.
I want this surgery, I think it is an important step. I am strongly considering the reconstruction. But how can I do any of this when my house & my children will suffer?

I would look at the opportunity, perhaps selfishly, to write my book. But the kids... clean bed sheets, vegetables at each meal, guidance for problem situations in school, being at parent-teacher conferences, presentations and achievements- sitting there in the bleachers smiling back to my kid who is so happy I am there. That is what they need. Not an unavailable mommy in bed and sore and taking pain meds.

How am I supposed to deal with this. Just how.