Cutting down the Voltaren

There have been some setbacks, but I am trying really hard to make the changes I need to make and still feel optimistic about all this stuff.

The pain from the recent surgery seems to be at a stand-still of sorts. It got better, steadily, but for a few weeks now it has been about the same. So because it has been still painful, I am still using the Voltaren a few times a day. However, yesterday I saw my regular physician. I needed her to print a letter for me that it is OK for me to use a health club facility with an exercise room and pool (thanks M & D!!). We talked a bit about my post-surgery life, and she told me that I am using too much Voltaren. It is not good for the kidneys, and it has been two months now of almost every day use. I use it in two different forms, internally & externally. So I said that I can't function very well without it. She said that if that is the case, then I am doing too much, and I need to rest more. She gave me the approval for the health club, but recommended that I do only swimming for a while, and save strength training for later. I desperately need the strength training, but I will follow her advice until things improve a bit more. I hope to go to the pool tomorrow. (it is such a nice place!!! It is brand new, ~clean~, and un-crowded. And no children under 16 are allowed. I love that rule! I'll get a personal trainer there, too, when I am ready to start strength training. It's part of my membership. Yeah!)

I gotta say that it is a let down that things still hurt in my belly quite a bit. And on top of that, the appointment I made to go see Dr. Szold next week was postponed until the following week. So I am a bit unsupported, not knowing if everything is normal or not. I decided to go see if there is any garment or support device that would help my pain. Usually the pain manifests itself like the hernia area has to be held in. I actually automatically do it with my left hand; just hold it there, and put pressure, and it helps a bit. So I thought if I could buy something like that it may help in the interim. I went today to the store that sells medical supplies and the like, and tried on a hernia belt. It is wildly uncomfortable; it presses on my nerve damage, and cuts into the outside of my upper thigh where things are tender. I wore it around for five minutes, and couldn't do it any more. Furthermore, it didn't really relieve the pain I am having.

I just have to bear with it, and hope healing continues. In the meantime, I also have to try to do less during the day so I can cut down on the Voltaren. Easier said than done.

This school year, since I have decided not to start working again, I want to be with my children as much as a normal day requires. That is a lot, actually. At the moment, we don't have regular babysitting, but I have been fairly successful on a day-to-day basis if I need someone. Now that my mind set is that I am quite possibly overdoing things, and I have to cut down on pain relief meds, I need more help, regularly. I still grapple with that, especially since I have consciously decided not to work. I want to be a regular family, with a Really Useful Engine for a mommy (that phrase comes from Thomas the Tank Engine, for those of you who don't know the reference).

I am tired- no, weary- of pain. I am tired of the added person in my house all the time when the children are home. It has been three years of that, and I want to be a regular person again.

But I am t i r e d. At age 42, I feel just so tired.
Please Gd, in this coming new year, please grant this weary servant strength.
Oh, and health. Yeah, health. For all Am Yisrael.