exactly three weeks after surgery

Getting through pain is a whole science. I think it has a lot to do with what sort of pain, and what is it from, or where is it leading you.

We know that the only pain that we experience that tells us our bodies are working well is labor pain. All the other pains we experience in life are usually there to tell us something is askew.

Lots of friends, doula friends, mostly, have been encouraging me to use my skill with helping women go through labor on myself during these hard times recovering. I certainly have tried. I have tried to relax into the pain, I have done slow breathing, blowing the pain out with a strong exhale, walking with the pain, finding positions while upright, warm water showers for relief, and so far, no success. Honestly, no success. I even have built whole scenarios about the healing that is happening in my gapey-wounded zone, sort of guided imagery, that the pain is melting into the mesh protective shield in there and encouraging more strength.

Nothing like that has worked. It is a mental thing. Having a baby is good pain. This pain is useless feeling, and I have to get through it, and it makes me gasp sometimes when it shoots into me.

Having never had an epidural personally, I'd love to try one right about now. I am not treasuring this pain as a Godly process. It's not-- it's a repair for the damage done by an evil bacteria, plain & simple. There is a foreign thing inserted in my belly that disrupted the natural order of anatomy, and it hurts. Yes, of course I know it is for the greater good of my health. Hey, *I* signed up for this.

But it isn't about using my doula skills on myself. Childbirth is a special set of circumstances that allows those skills to thrive.

I wish I could tolerate the morphine. Meanwhile, since I can't, I just try to get through every hour as best as I can. But, again, unlike childbirth pain, I don't feel like I would be missing out on a spiritual experience for growth if I found a good pain killer for this.

Having said all that, today was better than yesterday, thank Gd. I used a few Voltarin's at a few different intervals throughout the day, and they were helpful. Now I am going to sleep, my pill has kicked in. One-day-at-a-time. That's how it is over here.