Revelations on a good day

Doing better. Recovery is definitely up and down.

I may not make the six week "get-up-and-go" date, but I will make it when the recovery time is finished.

I keep thinking about the transitions coming up... Robert going back to work, getting the children organized to go back to school. One of the bigger transitions is for me to get back to being mommy around here. Back to being a complete presence, reliable, steady and effective. Everything in it's own time. I can do this, but not all at once.

The kids all came upstairs this evening and were taking turns being close to me. It was beautiful. There is something very special about me recovering up in the bedroom and having time for everyone. When I am in charge, there is no time. When school starts, there is no time.

I don't think I'm going to go back to work, though. There is one birth I feel is very special for me and have accepted to do in October. But other than that, I don't want to work.

I want to be with my kids. Work spreads me too thin, and my kids need me. There have been three important years now that I have either been sick, recovering, dealing with debilitating pain, and working... a fair amount when you think about what I've been through. I'm going to take work out of the equation. That, I believe I can handle. I'm going to change the contact page on my website to "taking a hiatus". That feels right.

I want to be with my kids, and be available for my husband. We have all been through so much, and there is so much good to build. And, it is hard enough to *be* that full-time mom. I will still need babysitting help on the evenings Robert will be out of town working, but I plan, as often as I can, to be present. Consistently. If not physically, then emotionally; like the way it is now. Being a doula is just too much pressure on me. When realizations come so clearly, it instantly feels like wisdom.

There is good in every trial.