It all comes out at home, doesn't it.
I mean, in public, I'm fine. The pillar of health and strength. Looking so regular and normal, backing up that look with the persona that people expect.
I think that vacations are so challenging... so much togetherness, travel, holding it together.
Today it definitely was *not* held together. We went visiting two different families, both close friends, two different cities. The top came off my pot in the morning, though, at home, before we were supposed to leave. Well, of course, it is never just one person's "fault", but nobody is excused from losing control and letting it out on children, or a spouse. In other words, I yelled at everyone today. I was rip-roaring angry, and had it out with the kids and Robert.
I know we all have bad days. And yes, we did go visiting anyway. And I was genuinely happy to be with our friends. There was one unexpected turn today, running into a person from my complicated medical past, from the NF time. My mood may be influenced somewhat by that, but, as I said, I did start out my day feeling off balance to the tipping point. I still acted nomal with this surprise interaction, although what was actually going on inside was anything but normal feeling. Who am I trying to protect from my insides?
But, you see, we are supposed to be all one... inside and out. I separated us, treated my insides as if they betrayed me three years ago, and ever since. By allowing themselves to be eaten from within, by allowing disease to take root and slowly, insidiously destroy my hip joint. By permitting higher and higher levels of painful surgeries. Forcing me to expand my pain threshhold by becoming intolerant to medicinal relief.
My insides are incongruous with the "stage presence". They must be reacting to the other persona, the one that covers up. It has to come out somewhere, doesn't it.
I look fine. Very well, I'm told. But my feelings don't match. My words don't match my feelings. My actions don't match my feelings. Incongruity breeds dissonance. I feel dissonant.
Today I am seeing the dark in myself; and it is dissonant with being a partner with Gd. I don't even want to write more about the dark I have today. I don't want to be a disappointment.
And I pray with all that I have that I can come to a synchronicity of my outsides an my insides. I don't think I can take much more of this sort of communication from my body.
When I read what you write, I see a great deal of dissonance. My first inclination was to say "Sarah, give yourself a break." I know you have been through a lot. I know you are sooooo tired of feeling like you have to compensate for your health, like it's always the excuse for something and you're tired of that excuse. Just remember, you are also grieving. Grief has many many stages. None of them are right or wrong. They just are.
ReplyDeleteAlso, since I was just at a presentation on forgiveness, don't forget to forgive yourself and your body for all that you've been through and for all those ways that you haven't measured up to what you wish you could do/be.
hi Sare,
ReplyDeletewith your last thought, comes this thought... do you feel you have a strong spiritual mentor whom you can rely on and speak with consistently? Who is a good role model for you? Therapy can take a person far, but a therapist doesn't always have that hashkafic outlook and guidance that we often need when we need our mind and body to harmonize with each other.
XXXXOOOO
Dev
btw, we all have our bad days of yelling, even when we're not in your situation. B"H, it doesn't happen more often. Lack of energy can lead to frustration and impatience with our families!