The tears of one generation get passed to the next

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I am not able to be an adequate mother to my children because I am always so DAMN tired, I have nothing to give.

One of my children has some special needs and he is suffering the most these days from this. He is falling between the cracks of life and all I can do is cry with him... because I also feel I am falling between the cracks of life. That's what we did yesterday... cry together. His heaving sobs were for being overwhelmed by his schoolwork, and feeling "different" than the other kids, and mine were for pretty much the same thing. Overwhelmed with my duties, dealing with my own special needs, and not being able to GIVE what I want to give him. I didn't voice my frustration; I didn't tell him why I was crying, too. He probably knew, though. That's the kind of kid he is.

Having said that, I *am* taking some steps to help him. I should have a long time ago, though. These past three years... these past three years. Here I am crying again.

I don't even think I can put words to my frustration.

If the doctors only knew what price is paid when mistakes happen... I don't have an end to that sentence. So what if they knew?

Well, their lessons are for them to learn, and mine are mine.
But the passed few days have been a bit of that anger surfacing; anger about my situation, anger at the doctor who I feel put me into this situation. I am trying to kick out of my brain the starter "what if...".

And just like my son feels that he is the only one with his problems and his difficulties, and nobody could understand him, I share that feeling of isolation.

I am terrified about being labeled with "chronic fatigue". There are four kids and a husband who rely on me here. I don't have family here to back me up. The permanence of such a diagnosis simply. can't. happen.

I have a blood count and test for Mono to do, and I've been putting off doing it. Why? Maybe I just don't want any more "answers". Maybe I just want this all to go away.