Musings from a scared patient

We are on vacation from school now because of the holidays. They (the kids and Robert) have been off since Oct. 7th. They go back this coming Sunday, the 23rd.

I came home on Friday from five days in the hospital.

Saturday (Shabbat) we had guests. I chose to clean up way more than I should have. After 5 days of being in the hospital, it was hard for me just to ignore the wear-and-tear of a household. The kitchen, the floors. Yeah, I did that stuff. Pain and all.

Sunday I spent time in bed, and today (Monday) I got out a bit (together with the family) to a friend's succah, which was nice. I started feeling sick, and I came back home. The children and Robert went to a fair here in Be'er Sheva, and I opted out. I wanted to go and have fun with them, and I felt sad for missing out on more family time.

I don't do recovery well. I think we remember that from many times in the past. I always need to try to get up and go too soon, then I wind up back in bed, and it is a vicious cycle.
This time is no different, but I do hope that I am just a teeny bit wiser.

The problem here is, *am* I recovering? I mean, anyone who spends a week in hospital, especially Soroka, knows that it takes time to recover once you get out.
But I got out because I signed myself out. No diagnosis had been found, and although the pain was less acute, it was (and is) certainly still there. So here I am spending time in bed, and I don't know if I'm sick or what.

Is this ambiguity that I can look forward to for the rest of my life?
I spend time in bed when I'm sick, I spend time in bed when I'm recovering. The days between these two states of being are so few, that I wind up not having enough energy to run around for a normal day's "stuff". In actuality, I have had many many days that I had the energy to run around and be available for the day. I just always have this fear, when I have to take to my bed, that that is what defines me... the Sarah who feels sick a lot, or who is permanently recovering.

[note to self: get back to pool as soon as possible. You'll feel healthier for it. But not if it is too soon................]

I already am barely working. I literally can't. That is why I am on disability. The Israeli government doesn't throw 100% disability at someone who they believe can be working. Being a mommy to my four kids is my full-time job, and I can't always do that, either.

My body hurts. I *DID* have a few pain-free days (week?) before this last hospitalization. The patch is working. But now my body hurts again. Interestingly enough, it's not my bum leg. *That* is fine. But the narcotics in these patches I wear aren't strong enough to wipe out the side/back pain. And then there is the occasional nausea and occasional low-grade fever.

I am so scared that this is just me now. Like "new prototype of Sarah, plans changed... this one is weaker and in bed lots...". I have a really hard time not being so absolute with these things. I've always been that way.

I need some fervent prayers that I will be healthy and strong at Dov's Bar Mitzvah starting on Nov 4th. I really need that from you.