What's the Deal, G-d????

OK, I am writing from the height of frustration at this point, so please excuse me for not using niceties. I'm really, really upset.

Remember I wrote about it being challenging to play horn because of pains and tingling from my neck down my arm? And that I am thinking it's what Dr. John Sarno calls "TMS"? Well, it is getting so bad that I may have to stop playing horn. I can't play for more than one minute without tremendous pain, tingling and numbness. Also, during all day and night, no matter what now, my first two finger tips are numb completely.

Yes, this is serious. I have been trying to downplay it. Because I need to. I can't DEAL with another &^%$# problem!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A friend of mine just asked me to play at her art gallery opening, and I accepted. I will probably call her tomorrow and tell her it's off. And I'm probably going to skip the orchestra rehearsals for a while, I can barely play, and the time in the car is too difficult.

This is SO UNFAIR. Haven't I put in enough time being injured? How did this happen?

I have a neck CT scan... it was done a few weeks ago, to analyze my throat actually, for the "click" swallow problem. There are bone spurs, herniated disks, osteoarthritis in my whole spine, and one strange thing- the only thing written in English on the paper- a "bleb"- some sort of watery pustule or something. WHATEVER. The CT says my left side is worse than my right. I didn't need a test to tell anyone that.

Tomorrow I am going to see a natural practitioner who works with pressure points, massage, and Feldenkreis method. Thursday I have a "medical massage" lined up with a new person as well. I hope these things help. I also have to get appointments for physical therapy which got approved from the insurance. I will overcome this, but as of now, I can barely practice horn at all.

Also my medicines are all screwed up. The psychiatrist of two weeks ago started me on something that is helping me sleep, but making me feel not-so-great during the day. I am also very shaky. I think the shaking is from my migraine medicine (Depilept). I went down half the dose, and I might have to go off of it completely. (I've been on it before and had the same effect with the accumulation in my body) I cannot deal with the shaking. But will the  %$##@  migraines return?!?!!?!?

All my medical problems since NF have been from the belly down (except the migraines)... now I'm being attacked in my upper body. I don't know why, but also my voice has no range, even just in speaking. My inflections are gone, and I feel shaky in my voice... what the heck is going on?!?!?!? I can't even sing to Azriel at night anymore; I mean, I do, but air comes out for much of the song. He sings to me sometimes.

Are you crying with me? I need to cry because this all SUCKS.
I just want to play horn again. And LIVE. What is the deal, G-D?!?!!?!?!??!?