What I am going to write about here is that I'm giving up.
I can not live this way, in constant pain with no hope of it ever going away.
No, I'm not killing myself, I wouldn't want to traumatize my children. I wouldn't do that to them. But really, what is left of me is next to nothing.
What I wrote in the last blog about the fighter? It's lost. I have no more fight.
I'm in very bad shape.
I returned to Dr. F for a few more treatments, and as usual they were painful and rigorous, and I just can't do it anymore. I can't go there, leave dazed but in fairly good spirits, wake up the next day in more pain than I had the day before, lick my wounds for a week (from extreme acupuncture and extreme body treatments to ostensibly break up scar tissue), then go back a few days later and do it again. I just can't without seeing real results that last more than a few hours (if that) after treatments. It's more than a thousand shekels a week, and I don't have that kind of money. I have four kids to raise, and an unknown future medically. I have no pension (or a tiny one from the 12 years I was in the orchestra), and have no reason to believe that I won't need tremendous medical care as I age (I'd rather not age, honestly. I sometimes hope that G-d will just take me by the morning so I won't have to suffer anymore. But then I wake up, and have to cope.). I am extremely worried about finances, and I can't throw money into treatments that are questionable if there will be any lasting effect. I have yet to see it.
So without any hope of ever getting out of pain, that kind of leaves "hope" out in the cold.
Any surgery would leave me also in tremendous pain, and possibly not help. I've had enough insanely intense abdominal surgeries to know that there is no magic there, either.
There is no way out of pain except for more pain piled on top of it.
I am no longer able to tolerate that.
Someone who I trusted yesterday said to me (in a text) "you used to be brave, but I'm not sure about now". That hurt went deep, deep into me. Thank you for that. You know who you are.
So what does giving up look like?
I don't know because G-d keeps making me wake up.
I'm nearly off all my medications. Remaining to go is 1/2 of an anti-depressant, and the 1/2 is not a therapeutic dose. Then last to go will be the sleeping pills. Maybe.
Is this wise? I don't know. I wanted to go off them, nobody forced me to do it (but I certainly was lead to believe that I'll be better off without them). But I'm not convinced that I can live life without them. Witnessed in the deterioration of my emotional and spiritual life. I pretty much know that if I'm going to live, I might have to go back on an anti-depressant. The Chinese medicine doctor may know a lot about Chinese medicine, but he probably should stay out of psychiatry.
But I'm in no-man's-land right now. I'm pushing away all those who love me most; I'm really good at that.
I want to die but I can't.
I'm supposed to travel to the states in August, I don't know if I'm going to make it. I have appointments with the Mayo clinic after my father's gravestone unveiling, I don't know how I'm supposed to do any of it. And what is the Mayo clinic going to come up with besides possibly more surgery? There *IS* no solution. Who am I kidding?
I'm supposed to travel with Azreil, rent cars where I go, get to three different states in as many weeks, and I don't see it happening.
The way things are going, I'm not going anywhere. Not physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
I've never been so stuck in my life.
I'm in trouble.
Oh Sarah. The first thing I would say is don't go off your meds without consulting with a psychiatrist. Yes in general it is better to reduce the amount of medication but sometimes you simply NEED them. Either for a short time, or forever. There is no shame in that. You wear glasses, a support you always need to reach your full potential, and some or all of your medications serve the same purpose. Don't be ashamed or scared of them if they are used wisely and consciously.
ReplyDeleteDon't wipe out the Mayo Clinic before you go - dismissing something before you explore it is a pessimism that I completely understand but you can't afford to do.
As for the person who told you you used to be brave, I don't know the context of the conversation, but I see it as a comment filled with sympathy. I am not surprised if you are not brave. I am not surprised you are scared and sad and distressed. To be exhausted is not a shame, it's simply what happens after a long struggle. Even the fittest or best trained person needs a rest after a marathon.
Please give yourself some credit. You have fought so hard, it's okay to feel stuck. And please think about at least increasing the antidepressant dose again if it helps you better cope with everything else. Love and hugs.
I totally agree with Rachel! Big hugs. It is rosh chodesh with blessings for new beginning to produce successful results.
ReplyDeleteDon't go off the meds right now. The withdrawal may actually be contributing to how you're feeling emotionally and physically. You are the personification of bravery and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. One type of bravery is coming to terms with the fact that this is the situation and it's horrible. Acceptance is bravery. I continue to pray that there is a solution right around the corner. As for the summer, maybe it's best just to go to the unveiling and the Mayo clinic. Just you, according to your own schedule, according to your own pace. Take your son to the states or another destination at a different time.
ReplyDeleteWhat a heartrending post. I agree with all of the above. Give yourself a break - recognize that you are suffering and that the medication ( as much as you hate it) may be necessary, at least for the time being, to help you cope. Science is always coming up with new and better solutions, and if you can hang on ( with whatever medical crutches you need) maybe someone will reveal a real remedy in a few weeks or months. Just hang in there - that in itself is true bravery. And re the trip - just committ to the important parts ( unveiling and Mayo) and leave the rest to how you feel each day.
ReplyDeleteSending so much love. You are brave and strong - and tired and also giving up and I really understand that. But please don’t give up, and I really hope you keep the appointment at the Mayo Clinic. They may see something that really helps spur on a different course of treatment - so please go. I agree that the goal of the trip should be just the unveiling and Mayo Clinic. I’m sending you huge hugs and love and blessings to you - a beautiful wise brave woman who is truly a warrior. XxooAriella
ReplyDeleteYour articulate friends above said it best. Medicine can serve a positive purpose, physically, physiologically, psychologically. Wrong time to make it a goal to go off all anti-depressants, especially when there are so many challenges and so much pain and sadness that you are dealing with now!
ReplyDeletePlease call me as you are making your plans to come to the US.
Love you lots, and sending you and the family hugs.
Devorah :)
B"H I am so very saddened at the terrible mental and physical pain that you are in, Sarah. I wish that I could help. I always feel that you are a deep, spiritual and caring person. A beautiful person inside and out.
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