Update from the hospital to heal the soul

Today is my 13th day here in the psych hospital.

I am envious of all the people who can just lie down at a normal time of the evening, and maybe read a page or two of something, and drift off to sleep. Sleep is an integral part of life... without it, we get unraveled.

I got unraveled.

During the waking hours, I felt I could deal with the PTSD relapse. But the less sleep I got, the less hold I had on day-to-day life. From up-close, though, I didn't really notice. I only noticed that here's yet another night I can't sleep. Or if I did sleep, I would wake up in a screaming nightmare. Then after that, I'd be up for the rest of the night.

I got here after taking too many medicines, in desperation to sleep. "Accidental overdose". If I look back on texts I had with our counselor, I can see the pattern happening. But in the day-to-day, I didn't take too much notice of how things were getting out of control.

This PTSD is very complicated... it's been diagnosed as complex PTSD (CPTSD). It comes from more than one factor in my life's history. I won't get into details. but this "trigger" that happened about two months ago reaches far back into my childhood, it's not about the adult stuff, not the hospital/NF stuff.

My sleeping now, 13 days after intake, is still not balanced. I'm in a withdrawal process, and because of that I'm dealing more with my restless leg syndrome, also. It always appears strongly during a drug withdrawal. It's very hard to withdraw from the family of Benzodiazepines- the sleeping medicine I was taking for 11 years, as well as the Clonex which I'd been very liberally taking in the recent months. It's in the Valium family, and has hooks in a part of the brain that does not let go very easily. I've been under the impression that it's nearly impossible to withdraw from those medicines. But, here I am, doing it. No choice. There are still bumps along the road. On Shabbat I had a **super delicious** afternoon nap, not induced by any medication. That was phenomenal, in my opinion. But it came unfortunately at the expense of night time sleeping Saturday night. I took what the nurses let me have, but I felt I really needed a Clonex to get to sleep. No Clonex, I'm weaning from that. So, I was up all night. I listened to some Torah lessons, and then most of the night was my audio book. Thank G-d for audio books when it comes to insomnia.

My father (Z"L) used to say the best part about insomnia is the next night... you are so exhausted from being awake two days straight that you sleep well the next night. Well, until now that has been true for me. But not now. Last night, Sunday night, was supposed to be the one where I sleep well. Nope. Again, up most of the night. It's the PTSD, it's the weaning, it's the whole picture. At about 2am, the nurse felt so bad for me (I was crying) that she gave me something (that was OK'd by the doctor on call) that wasn't part of my usual regimen. That got me to sleep. But it can't be regular. So, we are still figuring this out. I am again tired tonight, but that has no bearing on whether or not I'll sleep.

What I hope for when I get out of here is a predictable, reliable sleeping schedule, and therapists to help me slog through the CPTSD. And the courage to do it. I closed that carton a long time ago, never really dealt with it. This relapse blew the top off the carton, and now I have to deal with it. I am praying this place will set me up with the right practitioners for me to work through it, so I will no longer be carrying that carton around with me anymore.

Today I also started dealing with some other medical issues I have to deal with. I can make one or two phone calls a day for other things.

My two youngest kids came to visit me today, it was so, so welcome and good for my heart. Also three friends came to visit today, indeed a blessed day.

Signing off from the hospital which heals the soul.

Sarah Rachel Bat Tova