The soul's time to heal

Well, the dust has settled after the wedding. The young couple is settling in to their new apartment in Bet She'an, and Dov is back in the army during the week. They have Shabbats together, sometimes by themselves, sometimes by her family, and sometimes here with us.

I still have some lumps and swollen places from my fall down the stairs, those are going to take time. I got really lucky with that- it was 11 hard marble stairs, and I went tumbling down all of them, couldn't catch myself. I'm totally OK, thank Gd.

Life these days remains confusing.
One large surgery healed my body... what can heal my soul now? Things are so different than they were before I got sick. I know that is the understatement of the century (for those of you who knew me before I got sick, you know what I mean).

I am playing horn, practicing almost every day, and playing in the Gadera orchestra once a week.
I am also swimming at the pool a few times a week. Problem is that I am not enjoying these things (and I keep getting swimmer's ear). I do them because I have a make-believe checklist in my head of things I have to get done. Also making dinner for the kids; I used to enjoy that. It seems like the enjoyment is out of these things I do. I keep doing them, but it is hard to motivate myself when I don't really get enjoyment out of them. This is part of depression.

I am doing the jewelry making four times a week, mornings until 12:30. I like that, it gets me out of bed and doing something. I need a reason to get out of bed or else I don't get out of bed. (truly- it's not good). I've made three rings so far and am in the middle of making a small round silver box (these things are not for selling, I am still learning. Soon I will make things to sell there). I like the skills I'm learning. Especially soldering.

My health is good. Baruch Hashem. I have a few things to tend to, but nothing too serious. I've never been in this position- that my health is good, and I'm not working at my careers. I'd have to practice a lot more if the orchestra I used to play with is going to hire me as an extra sometimes. They haven't told me that, I just know. And as far as birthing work, I have no motivation. Like I said, nothing in life feels motivating. I have a child who also has nothing going on all day, and I see us as mirrors for each other. He went downhill when I did a few years ago when my abdominal pain got really bad. Now he is stuck in quite a terrible rut, and I don't know how to get him out of it. He just turned 20, but....it's complicated. I don't want to talk about him too much in the blog. It's not fair to him. But it is a source of *a lot* of heartache for me.

I am still getting used to life healthy. It was twelve years of health troubles, then one big surgery last summer, and now about seven months of being healthy. I still get twinges of pain in my abdomen, especially when I play horn, but it's nothing like what it used to be. And my hips still hurt me from time to time, but I'm taking this stuff for them is really helping. It's a supplement called CetylPure, for joint health. It is really working, my hips hurt less when I take this stuff twice a day. It works on the collagen in the joints. I highly recommend this stuff for anyone with hurting joints, especially from surgeries and arthritis. I am postponing my hip replacement because of it. This supplement is buying me time.

In a few weeks I start the two week evaluation from Bituach Leumi (National health care). I have no idea what to expect. I'll miss two weeks of the jewelry making. It is supposed to be an evaluation to see what career options are best suited to me. Should be interesting learning the results. What are they going to do for two weeks? Must be some thorough evaluation.

To sum it all up, I am still suffering from depression, and complex-PTSD, and I don't know where to turn anymore. I have a decent therapist, and I take my medication. I sleep most nights with the help from the Cannabis. I'd hate to think this is my lot for the rest of my life. I think I need to be busier doing productive things. Isn't that what every human needs, to feel they are a contributing member of society and not just a body taking up space? I feel awful. I gotta stop writing, it's making it worse. I think that is why I am not writing my blog much anymore, it no longer helps me to feel better. This stuff is too deep to write about and feel better afterward. Some things don't have "feel better" solutions. Taking care of my soul (and my children's) is much harder than focusing on my body's [medical] problems that I used to have.