Medical therapist

This Thursday is the last of the MRI's, this one of my hip/thigh. The last ones were of my lower belly and pelvis. This is the series that my doctor in NY asked to see. I finally got it all approved by the health fund, and it is almost finished. Then, I send them all to the NY doctor, and he'll give me his opinion about what might be going on inside me to cause the pain I have. 

It is the opinion of the orthopedist that all my pain is orthopedic, ie: I need a hip replacement, and that would solve all my pain problems. As I think that is true, I think I do need a left hip replacement, I am not sure if there is a plastic surgery element involved as well, ie: the NY doctor's realm. That is what I am waiting to hear. It'll be at least another month before I get his opinion. I have to send the MRI's by express mail, and then wait for him to go over them and get back to me. Thank Gd there is no emergency here, and I can wait. I can't make a decision without the other opinion anyway.

What has been going on in my head recently is that I am not emotionally ready to do another surgery. My last surgery was my right hip replacement, in 2020. It was a very painful surgery and recovery. VERY painful. Now, it's mostly fine. I do have some issues with it when I walk longer distances, but overall it's good. I just can't wrap my head around yet another surgery. This would make #15 if I get my left hip replaced. I am just fed up with surgeries and recovery, fed up with pain in general. I know that now I am in pain anyway, that I most likely need another surgery to get out of this pain; the physical therapy didn't solve my issues. I am doing it all anyway still, all the physical therapy, and going to the gym three times a week (in a normal week). But I am still in pain.

I *hate* that I am going to have to go through another surgery. HATE IT. I am not at all emotionally ready or willing at this point. I have just been through too much. My social worker thinks I should see a therapist to work through this, because I am going to need surgery soon, and I have to incorporate it into my well-being. There are specific therapists here that deal with medical circumstances. I saw one for a while a long time ago, (hi Shuli!) and she helped me tremendously by using EMDR. I might go back to seeing her, although she is in Jerusalem. I'd like to see someone here in Be'er Sheva, and I have a few recommendations from my psychiatrist who I highly respect and feel good with, but again, I just don't want to DEAL. I wish I had no medical issues at all. But, I do, like it or not. One never gets used to pain. It always sucks.

Last week Robert and I got away on a mini-vacation together to Jerusalem in a fancy hotel. It was SO nice. We did Jerusalem things, like a museum, botanical garden, art and craft fair, and a 3-D historical film with moving chairs ("minheret hazman" for those who know...), Mamilla, etc. It was nice just to get away without any kids and enjoy Jerusalem and each other. I was in pain for not an insignificant time through it all, and that was a drag. I just can't walk distances anymore, it hurts too much. I know I need the hip replacement, and that in the end it will help my quality of life, but in the immediate future, I am not ready to deal with another operation and all the pain that that entails. Also we have to find out from the NY doctor if he thinks there is a plastics element to the pain as well (nerve entrapment, or adhesions or something that I don't yet know is happening...). There is still part of the mesh in my belly, and I don't think anything can be done about that; it is incorporated into the tissue too much to remove. If that is causing the pain, (although the pain does seem to be over my hip), I have to just live with it. Or do a procedure that burns the nerve endings that lead to that pain. It's too much to deal with. But I have to deal with it. But I don't want to. But I have to. But I don't want to.

I feel like a 6 year old kid saying "don't wanna!!" I am just so DONE with difficult surgeries. I am also done with being in pain. Ugh. Up against that proverbial wall. I may go and see that medical therapist to help me deal with all this. I don't think I can do another elective procedure without that.