Not light reading

There are times that I don't feel like I have C-PTSD (complex Post traumatic stress disorder), and can feel pretty normal. Then there are the other times. I am finding myself fighting my demons these days. Depression comes in from I-don't-understand-where, and I am down for the count.

We just had a whirlwind of holidays here in the land of Israel, all of which are good, hard, and challenging in equal portions. I also just got a cast off my hand, which was on for three or four weeks... I lost count. It was for a suspicion of a broken thumb, after I had fallen down at my gym. The floor was wet and there was no "wet floor" sign, and I slipped right there. I think the cast was on too long, but the hospital didn't give me an earlier appointment at the orthopedics clinic. Now I am dealing with pain in that hand as well, yay me. I am supposed to do occupational therapy with it, so we'll see how that goes. As of now the hospital hasn't yet given me an appointment to start the OT, but I am back at my job with the jewelry making, and that uses fine motor skills, so that should help.

The holidays we heavy, and good and hard all at once. We hosted many people for big meals over the three weeks, we were also guests by friends, and we also got to visit many friends. Best of all was the visit from my son Dov and his lovely wife and delicious baby! It was all very social. Close to the end of all the holidays, when the title of the holiday has the word "happy" in it (Simchat Torah), I got really down, and whether or not it is related, I got some sort of virus which dragged me down as well (I'm still dealing with that virus or whatever it is).

I got down about the stuff I am used to getting down about, and I couldn't stop it in it's tracks. That "stuff" is that I feel aimless, without motivation, without drive, and I mourn my losses again. Those being the losses of my music career and my doula career, both which were booming when I got NF, when it all came to a halting stop. I admit that I have not touched my horn in over two years, and I am also not advertising for my doula work. I don't feel I can commit to a couple to support them throughout their birth. I don't have it to give these days.

The pain persists. It makes me not want to do anything. I think that is the biggest downer and the reason I have no drive, no motivation. I haven't yet heard from my surgeon in NY about his opinion about the MRI's. It's now officially been a long time. I finally wrote to him today to check on the progress of that. I hope to hear from him soon. But I also know that timing and such things are in Hashem's hands. I'll get his opinion when I am supposed to get it. I am not rushing to do any surgeries any time soon, even though I am in pain. I am just blocked about going ahead with another surgery. I can't do it. I think I need my other hip replaced (three orthopedists have confirmed that), but as I don't have my doctor in NY's opinion yet, I am not going ahead with anything. It is more than that though, I think that even if I had his opinion, I would be blocked about going forth with another surgery. I just don't want to do it. I have had enough. I am at an impasse with myself. More surgery seems insurmountable at this juncture in my life. I have had 14 major surgeries, some of them quite intense, was in an induced coma, and have limped on one side or the other for many years. My body is screwed up. My soul feels screwed up too. I haven't been in any sort of therapy for well over a year, and that's OK with me. I think I've just had it. If it comes to me needing surgery and the choice is no longer a real choice, I will probably need more therapy to wrap my head around it. I have just been through too much. And I miss my life from before NF. It comes down to that, I think. I miss being driven and successful in my careers, and I miss the "me" I used to be before all the medicalization of my life.

I have been having nightmares again also. I don't know what causes them, but they are nasty. Messes up my whole night, and sometimes the day as well. I wake up yelling, and get totally freaked out, and need time awake to decompress. For a week, the week of Succot, my husband was sleeping in our "upstairs sleeping succah" (to be differentiated with our "downstairs eating succah"), and I wasn't, so I was alone in bed. I had a major nightmare while he was outside and had to process it alone. I'm glad the holiday is over and he's back in our bed. The nightmares are from the PTSD of course, the content of them makes that abundantly clear for me. They get me when I'm down. The Cannabis used to be good for deterring them completely (like magic, I am telling you), but I unfortunately got sensitive to it, got headaches every morning, and had to stop taking it.

I hope this new year on the Hebrew calendar will bring me peace of mind and body, although that feels too far to grasp right now. I pray that the pain will chill out without surgery, and that I return to at least one of my previous hobbies/ careers. I'm only 54, it's too early for me to give up. But I can tell you that giving up is my constant shadow.