Things got really sad and dark for me today. I spent much of the day crying; I think it is as much emotional pain as physical. I am dealing with a really serious health crisis, and it has been happening for two whole years already. My life is transformed, and I am in pain. Recently, it sunk in at a deeper level than before. I think it is a combination of the fact that my disease (the PVNS) is getting worse, and I am losing independence because of it. That is a big blow. It is also the: "what is happening here!? How did my life get to this? When are my doctors going to get it together and treat me for this disease?"
This evening I decided to see how I can treat myself for the disease of the soul I feel. There is a Rebbetzin (wife of a Rabbi, often a spiritual guide for the women around her) who I used to go to a lot, for many years, with a class of about 40 women, once a week, here in Be'er Sheva. One time, at a class (after my NF), she said something to me that made me pull away, turned me away from returning to the class. My friends, however, kept going, and I would get morsels of wisdom from them, from the week's class, every so often.
A few weeks ago I decided to go to the class with my friends. It just seemed time for me. I went last night, as well (Sunday night). I didn't get what I was hoping to get from the class, and I felt even more isolated and depressed, and that's when I wrote the last entry. I decided to call the Rebbetzen tonight. She remembered me from the years that I came, and of course she also saw me last night.
I decided I was going to seek her out for spiritual guidance. We set up a time to talk, and I called at that time, and we spoke for 45 minutes. It felt so good to get out all the pieces of the puzzle, all out on the table, in shorthand, the hard and dark stuff, too. She listened beautifully, and then imparted her insights.
The most important one for me is this:
She said that she sees The Big Hand from the Heavens at work in my life so clearly. This hand reached out and saved my life when I had NF. But, it also protected me through so much before that. Many times in my life the Big Hand guided me away from bad things that were going to happen, and also it brought Robert to me, against all odds.
I told her that I very clearly see that Big Hand, also. Nothing goes by me without me realizing the miracle in it, and knowing very clearly where that miracle came from. I am very aware of the protection and guidance I have had in my life, and am humbled by it.
Then she said something that changed my whole picture of this Big Hand. She told me it's time for me to reach out my own hand and join it together with the heavenly one. It no longer agrees to do it's work without me as a partner. I am no longer a bystander. I know I've said this here on the blog a good few times about being a partner with Gd, but for some reason, it sunk in today... the "asimon nafal" (An Israeli expression kind of like the dime falling into the payphone signifying the conversation is almost over).
I told her that I have no idea how to do that. How to be a partner with Gd? It is just words to me, I mean really, how are we supposed to be a partner with Gd?
[And this after all I've written about partnership with Gd, the whole Eve's sin thing, all of it; and I am still left blank...]
She said a few things that were like homework, she suggested some concepts and actions. It is doable for me, and she was very insightful and spot-on with her insights.
Then I asked her what she thinks about the fact that I've gotten two very rare, very hard to treat diseases. She said that it is because I am very rare, and very precious. My body mirrors my soul. Yesterday that soul-mirror showed me the horribly scarred body, the diseased body.
Tonight, that mirror shows a precious, small, rare gem.
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