My heart is trying to write, but I think my head is winning.

Now that (our lovely) Shabbat is over, I feel my tension rising with only one week until my hospitalization next Sunday. There are many things I have to do, and want to do, in order to feel organized (read: in control) and ready to be out of commission for a while.

My soul is very disquieted; I need to know my family will be OK. My definition of OK, that is. I may be away for Rosh Hashana (Jewish new year), and that is a big deal. I am really unsettled with the uncertainty. It all depends on how things go post-op. No way to know. Out of my hands (but still nerve-wracking. That is the part I am working on- not to be nerve-wracked)

Tomorrow morning after I get all four kids out, solo (Robert is sleeping in the dorm at his school), I have to go to the medical clinic for: a pre-op blood test, EKG, paperwork for the MRI, and paperwork for the surgery. [mind you, this is all the second time around; first time was for the previously planned surgery]. There is paperwork for Nat'l health insurance (I have to go there), paperwork for Shifra's afternoon program (I can fax that, after I get it all together), and getting Azriel an immunization we are way behind with. Tomorrow evening I am going to Jerusalem (driving myself with "Kermit", my little green car), and staying with friends overnight. Early in the morning I have to get to the hospital (7AM) and do the MRI. After that I have to go to another Jerusalem hospital to pick up a copy of my January MRI (no, they won't send it anywhere. You have to pick it up yourself). Then come home (an hour & a half drive). Later that same evening (Tuesday) after I get home, I will take Azriel to his post-op tonsillectomy check up with the ENT (Robert will still not be home yet from work). The rest of the week is less busy, but I will be *spent*. I do have to get to Soroka to Dr. Raht to let him read the new MRI. And there is more, but it is making my blood pressure soar to just write it out. Probably yours, too.

Babysitters, house keys, coordination, carpooling, homework, and oh yeah, I still have to get some more school supplies.
But, I did buy the sneakers today... including more shlepping to three stores before finding the styles and sales which were acceptable to all of us.

My wrist aches from walking with the crutch. I have an automatic car which I am very comfortable driving, so I can get around, but it is so hard just to go about errands. In the car, out of the car, a dozen times a day. Did you know that when you step out of the drivers' side seat of the car, you step down and push off with your left leg?

Well, at least I have a left leg to step off with. You know, I was going to write about how I am feeling about the upcoming surgery. There is so much weighing in my heart that I want to write about. But I am so overwhelmed with this week. Trying to tie up as many loose ends as possible, to control my environment as best as I can. I still haven't internalized the whole thing of letting go of control, and letting Hashem take care of me and my family. I am a lot better than I used to be (those who knew me then know *exactly* what I mean), but this much pressure throws me off.

Now I will read my Oprah magazine and drift off to sleep. Big day tomorrow.

One thing I can say about this surgery coming up... I don't feel an intuitive need to say goodbye to my children like I did last time.

I just am feeling a bit on overdrive, getting ready to come to a grinding stop.

Grinding stops scare me. Giving up the control scares me. But I so deeply need that lesson.