Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The story, the *whole* story.

After I help a woman have her baby, we usually have a sit-together (often with baby) and talk about how the birth went. She hears it from my side; I fill in the story for her, and she fills in the story for me. I look forward to this meeting. It is so important to re-hash the story with the other participant. It's like a debriefing of sorts. That goes for any story that was highly emotionally charged. People need to talk about it, to share it, go over it, to be together with it.

Putting that notion aside for the moment, I want to say that the surgeon, the one from the NF, had been such a huge character in my story. For the whole four years, pretty much, he remained in that effected part of my emotions (yes, that word was done purposely unevenly to reflect how it is with me).

When I was hospitalized this past October (here), I saw him around a few times on the ward. Then the next week when I had to go back for the endoscopic procedure, I spoke with him a bit. Nothing deep, just about kids and sneakers. Chit-chat.

I thought that the "casual thing" from that hospitalization helped make him small in my mind. I was sure it did. I was even relieved. "It's done", I told myself, he's back to being just an acquaintance.

A long, long time ago, we even *did* have a sort of hashing out meeting of sorts. (I will now take the time to find that blog entry.... here! It was Sept 16th, 2008.), That meeting was more me getting it out to him about how I perceived he messed up my life. That meeting came a week or so after writing The Letter... which I wrote Sept. 7, 2008. (the very important writing out what NF has done to me & my family).

But you know what? Am I crazy here? I feel, at the same time that I considered him no longer to be a big character for me, that I need another meeting. I never heard what the story was like from his side. I want the completion of my story; I want the other side, like I do with my after-birth mothers. What was all this for him? I especially want to know what went through his mind during the CT, when he saw the massive damage that was happening, still uncontrolled. During the surgery, when I was dying? Was he scared? Were there other surgeons there, too, or was he operating alone? What was being said at the time, if he remembers?
[I remember lots and lots of voices, and loud noises, constantly. Every time I heard the talking, I was terrified that what I was hearing were the voices of people *during my surgery*, which would mean that my anesthesia was not heavy enough-- a terrifying thought. In fact, I was in the induced coma, hearing what was going on around me in the ICU. But not knowing I was safe, paralyzed but hearing people talking, it was a constant state of terror.
I don't know... why am I writing about this now? Why is this relevant?
I am working through it all. Getting ready to organize my book and write... my story.]

This may seem a bit odd for some of you with no background on the story before NF. You may be thinking "what's the deal here with the surgeon/patient contact?" Well, our two families were friends before this story. His family used to be in our neighborhood, and we got to know each other and be friends. We even got together for a day trip to go up Masada. It was a lovely day. That is where this comes from. He told me that he learned to never operate on friends again. It's a bit like selling your car to a friend; if something went seriously wrong after he trusted you, it'd weigh on your conscience heavily, right?

I'd like to know; *is* it weighing on his conscience, or is it behind him?
I want to move forward with my book, but I can't. I have no outline, no order to the book.
I want the WHOLE story.
I wrote a prologue, and part of chapter one. I can't figure out what is chapter two? How do I proceed? Today I wrote a letter to a literary mentor who I met at the writer's convention I went to last year. I want to meet with her, to get help.
The publisher who offered me the contract is still interested; they are waiting for my work, whenever I am ready.

I am getting ready. With the help of Gd.


  1. If this happened in the US you would never get that story; too much of a chance of mal-practice. Not sure how it would be in Israel.

  2. The law suit never got off the ground. I am interested because if my need to know everything that happened to me those fateful days. I have no reason to use any information for anything else. I know that in the states it is all about law suits. This isn't even in that league. It has nothing to do with the US versus Israeli politics. It is me asking my doctor- who is/was also a personal friend, what happened on those days.
    Maybe it'll help me put it to bed at night.

  3. Have you forgiven him? How does his perspective change anything for you? Do you feel better if he suffers daily with regret? Will you get angry if he has long ago attributed your situation to God's will and feels that he had little to do with it? I worry that part of you may want to know that he suffers too. But that to me would mean that you don't forgive him. Forgiving him and letting his part in your life go is a gift to yourself. It doesn't mean that his part in this was OK and that he acted properly then and has acted properly since. It means that you are letting go of his part in your life so that you can go on. You would have to have faith that he will or has suffered the consequences, but his journey through life no longer intersects yours. Your story is your story, your experience is your experience. How he experienced it is his story and maybe you won't ever have access to that. Which doesn't diminish or change your experience at all.

    I hope I haven't offended you or overstepped any bounds, but this post of yours has been on my mind since I read it. If I am off base, I apologize - I don't want to upset you, but just to share with you my perspective on your writing. Hugs and prayers, always!!