Pros & Cons; thinking at the keyboard at 2am

2am... sleeping problems.
Headache, nausea, general abdominal discomfort. Hard to sleep.
Waiting for heavier medication to take effect so I can sleep out the headache.

Funny thing is, I didn't miss a single note tonight. I played strong, well, and sweet. Even *with* the headache and nausea.

I find myself thinking about the larger picture...
If I didn't have to work tonight, I'd have stayed in bed throughout the evening. I knew I needed that, and I knew I needed lots of sleep. Instead I am all whacked out, up at 2am after a concert.

But I played well.
And I did three births last month... all in one week.
There is another concert tomorrow night, out-of-town, which means I'll get home later still.

I find myself constantly returning to the impossible truths:

-I would feel better overall if I slept more.
-My body just needs that now, so much has happened in the past three years, that's the truth of my situation.
- I have two careers to choose from; both demanding, and both successful, thank Gd.
- Working gives me the feeling that I am using the tools that Gd gave me to reach others, and through them, reach myself.
- Working messes me up for at least a week afterward, and that is a big price to pay.
- I am dealing with serious decisions and medical problems simultaneously, and have very limited time for taking care of myself, and taking care of my kids.
- my kids feel it, beg me for more time for them. In order to leave on time, I literally have to close the door with them in the doorway wanting m o r e. Yes, the babysitter is there, but it's not me. School work isn't getting done.
- I haven't followed up for Shifra's medical issues yet.
- I haven't even switched two children's closets over to summer shirts; they are wearing long sleeves in scorching hot weather. (but two children's clothes I did get done).
- On any given day, I may have to be in bed. I can fulfill responsibilities to work if I push myself, almost no matter what. It is really remarkable, don't you think?
- I don't want it all on my plate.

I want to take care of my family, and of myself.
On Wednesday I am headed to Jerusalem for an important medical consult following the recommendation of a medical Rav (not Rav Firer, but of the same caliber, and easier to access and talk to).

On the one hand I don't want to spend my life with medical problems, but I do have to give time to my reality. *Medical problems take a lot of time*.

And raise my family. Give them as much of me as I can.

The days may seem to go slowly,

but the years go fast.
I do love being a doula and an orchestra musician.
But the pressure of working gets me a bit too strung out.