Thoughts while we approach Shavuot 5770 (2010)

I am so relieved that the last of the concerts I committed to are over. Tonight- Monday night- I just got back from the last concert; it was in Tel Aviv. I am exhausted and over-busied. My post-traumatic stress system needs a more steady, calm life, mainly staying in my home. It's good for me at home. It's good for me with my kids. Today I saw Wazi only for about five minutes. He saw me wearing my black concert-wear, and asked why do I have to go. When I told him I'm going to play a concert, and it's the last one I'm doing (for the time being), he put up his arms, fists straight up in the air and said "yay!". I felt the same way.

Committing to a work schedule just isn't practical for me these days. Aside from leaving my kids too often, it is just to much for me. Too much for my nervous system, as well as my body. After I play I am sore from my thigh, bursitis, and hernia pain from all the pressure from playing. Nine out of ten times I have sleeping disturbances, and there have been a few migraines associated with the odd hours. OK, I found out I can still get back into that world. Now I will back out of it, and know that what I need will be available to me at the right time.

I will stay with doing birthing; taking clients at different intervals, or not at all for other intervals. Being my own boss is the most practical and freeing decision for the time being. I am collecting permanent 100% disability. There is a good reason for that. Things are unstable, and I need flex time. And I need face time with my kids. They are very thirsty for me, and make that known in ways that only I can clearly see. As it is, without me working outside of the home, I am not 100% available. We often have our steady babysitter here with us, even when I am home. I need whatever percentage I can give to be focused on the household. That awareness is the biggest gift I received from my illnesses.
I will return to my semi-retirement. (Except this one started at age 39.)

Oh, appropriate to this blog entry- *this* is the day three years ago that I was returned home to my family after the NF ordeal.

As my dear friend Miriam wrote in a poem regarding
the NF time-line:

...Lag B'omer, we say T'hillim and soon you are out of ICU.
Yom Yerushalayim, we daven Hallel
and you endure your skin graft operation.
Shavuot you are home.

You came back to us slowly, painfully, counting God's miracles
like the counting of the Omer"...

Chag Shavuot Sameach to everyone!

(and for the people who are with me here who don't celebrate Shavuot, you can send grateful and joyous vibes to us about receiving our Torah
from Moses, on Mount Sinai)